Off Topic - That's a cracker!

[Richard]

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?...................................A: A walkie talkie

Q: What do you get if you cross a toy bear with a pig?...........................................A: A teddy boar

Q: What's a toy bear's favourite pasta?.......................................................................A: Tagliateddy

Q: What's a bear's favourite drink?...............................................................................A: Coca-Koala

Q: Why don't you get long grass on an igloo?...........................................................A: Because Eski mows it

Q: What kind of money do Eskimos use?.....................................................................A: Ice lolly

Q: What do you call a crazy blackbird?.........................................................................A: A raven lunatic

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?..............................................................................................A: Because if they dropped them they'd break

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?.....................................................................................A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: What language do birds speak?.................................................................................A: Pidgeon English

Q: What flies through the jungle singing comic opera?..............................................A: The parrots of Penzance

Q: What's yellow and steals the soap from your bath?...............................................A: A robber duck

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?................................................A: Winnie the Pooh

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?..........................................A: Frostbite

[Phantom]

What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?

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they have the same middle name!


Phantom

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[Mike Nomic]

Maybe not quite down to Christmas cracker level (although some may disagree), but here goes ...

Q:What's the difference between conversation and copulation?

A: You don't know? Lie down, I want a word with you.



Q: What's the difference between elephants and gooseberries?

A: Elephants are grey, gooseberries are green.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw the elephants coming?

A: Here come the elephants.

Q: What did Hannibal's wife say when she saw the elephants coming?

A: Here come the gooseberries. She was colour-blind.



Two hippopotami were wallowing in a steaming mud hole in darkest Africa, when one turned to the other and said 'Do you know, I keep thinking it's Thursday today'.

[Phantom]

Hey Mike

I reckon you can tell a lot about a person by the jokes they tell. Would you agree?

Phantom

[Mike Nomic]

Hi Phantom,

That's something to which I've never given any thought. Wouldn't the perception of the joke-teller vary with the sense of humour of the hearer of the joke? Humour, like normality, is subjective.

Mike.

[Phantom]

What do greedy fish eat?

Every fin.


What goes 'oh oh oh'?

Santa walking backwards.


What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wassabee!

[wamram]

What do you get if you cross a Sheep with a Kangeroo?






A wooly jumper

[easy_as_]

Hey Mike

I reckon you can tell a lot about a person by the jokes they tell. Would you agree?

Phantom

Sounds about right, mind you it might require a bit of lateral thought . . . I mean I tell really stupid jokes and think they are funny ! Which reminds me . . .

Q. )How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat ?

Q.) What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming over the hill ?

Q.) How do you know if you have elephants ?


FIRST MAN : What is that you are holding ?

SECOND MAN : It's a wombat, I play wom with it . . . . . !

A.) One is weasily recognisable but the other is stoatally different.

A.) Swim for it !

A.) You find great big hole in the skirting board .


That should keep you going for a while over the next couple of days !

easy_as_:D


p.s. - I don't get the hippo joke about Thuirsday ? . . . . I think I am missing out !

.

[DungeonMasterOne]

Q: What's yellow and extremely dangerous to bathe in?


A: Pirhana-infested custard!

[Hayley]

Q: What's yellow and extremely dangerous to bathe in?


A: Pirhana-infested custard!

Have they eaten all the sharks then?

(see earlier joke)

Well, it shows I'm paying attention.

Hayley

[Phantom]

Why is cum white and piss yellow?

So you can tell if you're coming or going?


What's the difference between a tank and a wank?

You can hear a tank coming.


ok - so they're not from crackers, but I like them. Easy - thanks for the weasle/stoat gag ... I'll use that one down the pub tonight.

Phantom

[DungeonMasterOne]

Q: What's yellow and extremely dangerous to bathe in?

A: Pirhana-infested custard!

Have they eaten all the sharks then?
(see earlier joke)

The sharks moved out to try and muscle in on the business of sending everyone's money to Nigeria. And the Pirhana spotted a gap in the market. And ate it.

Well, it shows I'm paying attention.

LOL!!!

[Mike Nomic]

p.s. - I don't get the hippo joke about Thuirsday ? . . . . I think I am missing out !

.

You and probably over 99% of people. Never mind, try this.

Two racehorses were stood in their stable, and one was bemoaning their lot. "I'm sick of this, I really have had enough. We stand around for ages in these cold, draughty stalls; the straw bedding is cold, damp, itchy, and not changed often enough; the blankets too are cold, damp and itchy; the food - well, that's just crap; the drinking water is freezing cold, and always seem to have the dead bodies of God knows what floating on the surface; that snot-nosed kid comes in here and scrapes hell out of our hides with that rough old brush; they take us out at some ungodly hour of the morning and thrash the living daylights out of us across the downs; and then on top of that they expect us to win races."
A dog had been walking through the stable yard and had listened to this outburst, and said "If you'll excuse me, the simple solution is to win a couple of races." The two horses looked at each other bemused, and the dog continued. "If you win a couple of races you'll get lovely warm stalls in a sheltered corner of the yard; the best of bedding, and changed daily; wonderful cashmere blankets; absolutely top-notch food - with supplements; water at room temperature, without the 'livestock' in it; some dolly bird will do the grooming with lovely brushes; granted you'll still have to put up with the early morning thrash across the downs - but that aside, life will improve beyond recognition."
The two horses looked at each other again in absolute amazement, until one managed to speak ..... "Bloody hell, a talking dog!"


Now back to the hippopotamus joke ...

1. Hippopotami don't talk.

2. How would hippopotami know which day of the week it was? and

3. Given their lifestyle, would it matter?

If it still doesn't do it for you, sorry - you're not alone.

Mike.