The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapsticklady

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The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapsticklady

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:26

Hello again all,

Please see below – for your reading pleasure – an epic brand new story ‘The Job Interview’. This is a first for me as it is a collaboration with a favourite sparring partner of mine – Slapstick Lady. The idea was simple; we agreed a very rough storyline, I wrote a section then e-mailed what I’d written over to her and she did the same until we’d written about 26,000 words. We tell the story from both our perspectives and I think/hope that creates an interesting contrast. It was great fun to write and I hope that comes across. Anyway, let us know what you think and if we get enough good feedback, I might even persuade Slapstick Lady to put metaphorical pen to paper and write a sequel. It’s pretty much a novella and requires a bit of patience to read, but hopefully that patience will be repaid. Enjoy……………………


The interview was at 10am so I rose early, polished my shoes, ironed my best white shirt and ensured my favourite suit looked immaculate. I took a long, refreshing shower and had a light breakfast. Then I got dressed for my interview, putting on my lucky red silk boxer shorts before changing into my suit. I styled my hair with lightly applied gel.

I looked at the letter again, written on fine parchment paper from Sploshingham Hall. “Dear Matthew, thank you for applying for the position as Lady Tara’s Personal Assistant. I’d like to offer you an interview on Monday 3rd September at 10am at Sploshingham Hall, where Lady Tara herself will conduct a thorough examination of your talents and decide if you are the right person for her organisation. We look forward to seeing you then. Yours Sincerely Kate Richmond, Lady Tara’s Diary Manager”

I looked in the mirror and adjusted my tie. ‘Not bad at all’ I thought as I looked at my reflection. I noticed an admiring look from one of my neighbours as I slid casually into my sports car for the short journey to Sploshingham Hall. Before long I was driving up the picturesque private road to the famous old Hall.

“I would love to work at a place like this” I thought to myself as I caught my first glimpse of Sploshingham. It was even more impressive up close I thought as I adjusted my tie once more and stepped out of the car. It was five to ten, so I slowly walked up to the front door and rang a very grand door bell.

“Enter” a female voice rang out, so I slowly pushed open the huge front doors and stood in awe in the reception hall. I heard footsteps on the landing and looked up and that’s when I saw Lady Tara. She looked amazing. Her shoulder length black hair framed a beautiful face and she walked with such poise. She was wearing a strapless, sexy, figure hugging red dress that was overlaid with black lace in panels. It had under wired bra cups that revealed plenty of cleavage and a zip at the back. She wore matching red gloves and knee high red stiletto boots. Above the boots I could see black stockings and I had to stop myself imagining what was above the stockings. She walked slowly down the stairs. When I’d picked my jaw up from the floor, I smiled my most winning smile.

“You’re late” she snapped

“I’m sorry” I replied “I thought the letter said 10am”

“It did” she replied, with no hint of a smile “but when I say 10am, I expect you to be at least 15 minutes earlier than that, so you’re ready when I need you”

“Yes, Lady Tara” I replied

“You can call me ‘your Ladyship’” she corrected me. “So” she continued “you think you’ve got what it takes to be my Personal Assistant do you?”

“Yes your Ladyship” I said eagerly

“Well, we’ll see” she said “drop and give me 10 push ups”. I was wary of doing anything to damage my suit, but I really wanted this job, so I fell to the floor and did 10 push ups”

“Now” Lady Tara looked at me “when I tell you to do 10 push ups, you better do 20. You always need to make sure you exceed my expectations, do you understand?”

“Yes your Ladyship” I replied and did another 15 push ups. I could feel her eyes on me, watching me intently as I worked my body up and down.

“OK, that was acceptable, I suppose” she said disdainfully “now let me tell you about the interview today. You’re going to be performing a number of tasks for me and woe betide you if you mess any of them up, there are no second chances here. Your first task is to wash my pride and joy. My new sports car”

“You want me to wash your car?” I confirmed

“Yes, is that a problem” Lady Tara replied

“Not really, it’s just that I’m not exactly dressed for washing a car. You don’t have a change of clothes do you?”


"A change of clothes" I snapped "Does this look like a charity shop? Do you think I’m going to give you one of my dresses? I’m not, even though that would be quite amusing!!"

I smiled slyly, at least this one is at least good looking I thought to myself. I may decide to give him a chance; he at least is making an effort at the moment. Let me see how long it'll take before he snaps. I reached down and pulled my gloves slowly and firmly up each arm, stretching my arms out in front of me and flexing my fingers in the silky red material.

"I shall go and bring my car round to the front” I start to say but am interrupted before I can finish.

"I'll get that for you your ladyship" said Matthew helpfully. Slowly I placed my hands on my hips, fixing Matthew with a glare,

"I do NOT think so! You may wash my car but you certainly will NOT drive it! Now I will have the car out in the courtyard in 2 minutes. I suggest you decide if you are going to wash it in your suit or in your birthday suit!" and with that I span on my heels and tottered off down the long hallway chuckling to myself as I went. I walked out to the garage, picking up a pair of sunglasses on my way and my black riding crop.

I strode purposefully through the immaculate garage among the cars and motorbikes, my heels clicking on the polished floor as I went until I reached the far end of the garage. There sat, in the far corner amongst all the other gleaming cars, the filthiest, dirtiest looking car imaginable. It is almost impossible to tell what colour the car actually is. Daintily I used an old rag to carefully open the door so as not to get any dirt on my immaculate outfit. I slid elegantly onto the leather seats, a hint of red lacy stocking top being revealed as my dress rode up slightly. The engine roared into life and I pushed my stiletto boot down on the accelerator, roaring out of the garage onto the tarmac. In a matter of moments I eased the car into the courtyard and applied the brakes. Slowly I lifted my sunglasses.

"I don’t believe it!” I stared; partly in shock, partly in surprise but also in glee as stood in front of me waiting patiently in the sunshine was Matthew, his suit jacket, shirt and trousers were slung over his arm. I opened the car door and smiled widely, before climbing out of the car and picking up my riding crop.

"Nice shorts” I grinned, eyeing up Matthew’s silky red boxers. “I'm glad to see you have co-ordinated with me, perhaps that will get you a bonus point!" Sensing he was about to smile, my smile turned to a scowl. “But not quite. Let me take your suit for you; I'll look after it" I snatched the garments from your arm.

"Now as you can see my car needs a good clean, I want to see it sparkling! Get on your hands and knees" I ordered. I watched smiling as Matthew sank to his knees in front of me. "Can you see your face in my boots? Get closer Matthew and look!" Matthew's face was now inches from my red patent boots

"Yes....yes....your ladyship" Matthew stammered "I can see"

"Good, now get up and get to work. And no dawdling I have much more for you to do! Oh and I don't have a hosepipe so you will find buckets, soap and everything else you may need in the shed on the far side of the courtyard, I shall observe you from over there"

I watched him walk off to the shed, stealing an admiring glance of his bum in the sexy silky boxer shorts as he walked.

"Mmmmmm" I murmured to myself as I walked across the courtyard to a luxurious swing seat. I looked down disdainfully at the suit I was carrying "uurrghh manual labour!" I exclaimed and tossed the suit over the fence at the back of the courtyard into the paddock. It landed with a gooey muddy splat. I carefully sat down on the seat and slowly crossed my legs, relaxing back into the seat; getting ready to enjoy the show.


I walked up to the ramshackle old shed in just my boxers and a pair of shoes, looking for some buckets and soap to wash possibly the dirtiest car I’d ever seen in my life. I couldn’t believe someone as immaculately dressed and made-up as her ladyship could own a car in such a state. I was beginning to think that, even in the current employment market, she’d been looking for an assistant for quite some time; based on my experience so far that didn’t entirely surprise me. I, however, was built of sterner stuff and I wanted this job.

I didn’t strip off to catch Lady Tara’s attention or to impress her with my dedication to duty. It was simply that I was wearing a damn good suit and I didn’t want it to get ruined doing manual labour. If I’d realised the interview was going to contain this kind of task I’d have brought my overalls – I made a mental note to offer this feedback at the end of the interview.

When her ladyship first saw me in just my underwear I thought I’d seen a naughty little glint in her eye. I decided the best thing to do was to be professional and concentrate on washing her car as quickly and thoroughly as possible. I’d act as though I were fully dressed and try to ignore the humiliation of washing cars for my sexy potential new boss in my underwear.

I found everything I needed in the shed, as Lady Tara said I would and filled up the buckets with cold soapy water. I figured I’d need to refill the buckets several times judging by the state of that car. I walked from the shed, a large bucket of soapy water in each hand and a dry sponge tucked down the front of my shorts. As I walked across the courtyard towards the lump of dirt that apparently harboured a car, I felt Lady Tara’s eyes on me. I wasn’t sure if she was ogling me – half naked as I was – or if she was keeping a close eye on her car; which, as I began removing layers of dirt looked very impressive and very expensive.

I carefully washed, rinsed and polished what turned out to be her Ladyship’s Porsche 911. When I had my back turned to her I made sure I bent right over. If she was staring at my bum, I figured she’d get a good view but if she was checking the car, she’d be sure to see I was reaching over ensuring I was eradicating all the dirt and mud. When I was done polishing the car, it almost sparkled. I stood back admiring my handiwork.

Lady Tara got up from her luxurious looking seat and strode purposefully across the courtyard. She no longer appeared to be carrying my suit. She must have folded it away somewhere clean and dry for safekeeping, I concluded; thinking it was very nice of her. She did not say a word to me; her face betrayed no trace of emotion. Lady Tara examined the car with what could only be described as military precision, carefully inspecting every inch of the vehicle. I looked on in a state of mild amusement and disbelief – after all it was clear I’d done an excellent job. Lady Tara stopped her inspection suddenly; she looked down at one of the back wheels and scowled.

“Look at that” she snapped, pointing to a small smudge on the hubcap, It couldn’t have measured more than about a centimetre and a half. I’d missed the slightest bit of polish. “I can’t remember the last time I saw such shoddy workmanship”

Thinking she must be cracking a joke, I laughed; Lady Tara span round to face me, her face like thunder.

“I’m glad you find doing such a pathetic and substandard job so amusing” she growled “that’s the perfect attitude for a life back in the dole queue”.

“I…..I….I….didn’t mean…” I stammered, feeling my career disappearing before my eyes.

“Let’s see if you’re still a laughing boy after this” she seethed and turned around again, bending over and picking up one of the buckets. I watched her firm, sexy bum wiggle slightly as she reached for the large plastic receptacle. It was three quarters full but not of fresh soapy water. The water was brown and sloppy, from where the filthy sponge had been squeezed out. Lady Tara turned to face me and lifted the bucket up. She then tipped the entire contents of the bucket over my head.

I gasped as the dirty, brown water sloshed all over me, soaking my hair and running down my face and upper torso. I spluttered as Lady Tara almost cracked a smile.

“Pull open the front of your shorts” she ordered

“Excuse me?” I asked, water still dripping down the length of my body.

“Can’t you understand English?” she barked “pull open the front of your shorts; right now!” I reluctantly did as I was told, pulling the band of my silky boxers away from my waist. Her Ladyship bent over again and picked up the second bucket. It was as dirty and sloppy as the first, if not more so. She walked right up to me and peered down my open shorts right at my waiting cock. I thought I heard her giggle ever so slightly as she tipped the second bucket right down the front of my shorts.

I took a sharp intake of breath as the cold water sloshed over my naked crotch and soaked through my shorts. When she’d emptied the last drop of water from the bucket, Lady Tara indicated I could let go of my shorts. They were sodden and stuck to my sopping bits.

“I’m going to give you one last chance” she warned, taking a sneaky peek at my clearly visible tackle through my shorts, “now follow me”.


"Come along this way!" I called out as I tottered across the courtyard, my bum wiggling sexily with each step. "I'm sure you will do much better at the next task, you won’t want to let me down again!"

I walked purposefully through an archway at the far end of the courtyard, as I walked I afforded myself a small chuckle and a smile.

This one certainly has the right attributes, he’s willing and hasn't given up yet; certainly body and style are going in his favour. I carried on walking along a wooden decked pathway leading out across a paddock, to the left there was a fenced arena of sorts with an array of show jumping apparatus. I carried on heading towards the stable block at the top of the path, before slowly turning round, hands on hips.

"Keep up" I taunted, looking back down the path as Matthew squelched up the path. I noticed in the corner by the fence, my horse was nibbling on some muddy rag. "What's that he's eating; oh yes" I suddenly realised, "Oops" I giggled to myself.

"I don't have all day to stand around here waiting for you! I am a busy lady don't you know!" I put my finger to Matthews mouth just as he was about to utter some forlorn whimpering. "Don't start giving me excuses; you know where the gate is!

"Yes...yes of course your Ladyship.....so what is the next task?"

"Well we've had some heavy rain up at Sploshingham hall and I was out the other day practising my show jumping but I seem to have knocked down lots of the jumps. Now it is far too muddy for me to go walking around in the arena, and anyway I don't want to break a nail lifting those horrid fences so I need someone to go pick all those knocked down fences up". I watched as Matthew looked around across the arena at the numerous knocked down fences, he then asked me if he has to pick them all up!

"Of course you have to pick them all up. Now get in there and get to work! Show me what you can do!" I think the poor boy took that as an invitation to show off as he put his hands on the fence surrounding the arena and athletically vaulted over, "very impressive!" I thought to myself; though this quickly changed to sniggering because as he landed, his feet went in opposite directions and he ended up doing slow splits which culminated in a soft SPLAT as he fell and sat in the soft mud!

"That will teach you for showing off, now get on with it. I shall be round to inspect shortly!" With that I turned my back and tottered off into the stables leaving Matthew slip sliding in the mud as he battled to fix the first fence. I stood watching through the stables window, giggling at the sight as Matthew struggled to lift the poles of the fence, getting splattered with mud each time it fell into the soft ground. He continued battling and with a final effort he managed to lodge the fence pole into its place, unfortunately as the pole locked into place he lost his footing and pitched forwards off balance. Unable to help himself he landed face down into another soft patch of gooey sloppy mud.

“Oh dear " I giggled to myself, "its going to take him ages to do this, I think he needs some encouragement!" I picked up my riding crop and tottered into the stables. I headed over to the 1st stable and opened the gate. I walked inside. Jet - my big black horse - was standing proudly, saddled and ready to ride. I walked over to him and looking round I hitched my dress firmly half way up my thighs, placing my boot in the stirrup. I expertly swung myself up into the saddle. Once settled into position, I tugged my dress down as far as I could, covering most of my stocking tops. Composing myself I took my crop in my hand, lowered my sunglasses and gently cantered out into the arena to find Matthew attending the water jump. He had his back to me, bum in the air and was trying to dislodge the fence pole which was caught on something next to the water. He didn't seem to notice me as I rode closer and closer until I was within touching distance. I drew back my arm and THWACK!! My riding crop cracked against the soggy silky red boxers, the force and shock caused Matthew to wobble forwards. He lost his footing and plunged head first into the cold water jump.
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Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:32

I landed with an almighty splash in the cold water. I was fully submerged at first, but then pulled myself up, spluttering and gasping in shock. Water dripped off me as I eventually and gingerly got to my feet. The back of my once pristine red silk boxers had slipped down, revealing my soaked bare bottom. I hurriedly pulled them up, hoping no one had noticed.

Lady Tara was at the other side of the arena. She looked beautiful and seemed to glide round effortlessly on her steed, even in that dress which had to be the most unsuitable horse riding apparel imaginable. The tops of her stockings were just visible and her pert breasts jiggled slightly as she rode carefully round the course. My admiration for her was more than a little tainted though by the throbbing of my bum where her crop had whacked me and by the water dripping off my nearly naked body.

This had to be the craziest and most humiliating Job Interview I’d ever been to, but after all this I was even more determined to secure the job. This particular task was ridiculous but if that was her ladyship’s game, I would have to put the rest of the fences up quickly and carefully.

I adjusted my sopping boxer shorts and, without warning, sprinted across the arena to the next fence. Before her Ladyship could get anywhere near me I’d managed to fix the first fence and although I’d slipped and slid for England, I’d been able to stay upright and took shelter beside one of the posts on the fence I’d just fixed as Lady Tara swooped by brandishing her crop again. She was a very talented horse rider much to my dismay, but that simply meant I’d need to work harder.

So I did. I dashed and slipped across the arena in all kinds of crazy patterns fixing fences, ducking, jumping out of the way and managing to avoid Lady Tara’s increasingly frustrated attempts to whack me on the bottom. Adrenaline had kicked in and I was impressed at how quickly the fences were going up. I thought I saw Lady Tara smile as she saw me dashing between the fences slowing down and speeding up to throw her off her pursuit, but I could have been wrong.

Sooner than expected there was only one fence left to mend. By now my confidence levels were rising and I’d even teased her Ladyship a little with a cheeky wiggle of the bum as I’d avoided her the last time. This last fence looked particularly tricky though. It was by far the muddiest of all the fences and was low, so it was going to involve some serious bending over. As it was the last fence, there was no doubt as to my next move. I caught a glimpse of Lady Tara and bent over to pick up the fence. I could hear her coming towards me, so I suddenly jumped the fence and started the operation from the opposite side. Lady Tara would need to completely change direction and that would give me the time I needed.

I was feeling tired though and the fence was extremely heavy. Lady Tara was still a way off though, so I took my time. My bum was high in the air, which made me very nervous but she must still have been some way off so I didn’t panic as I began to lift part of the fence. I could hear her horse getting closer as piece of fence was jammed at the side of a pole but I was reluctant to give up and start again. A couple more seconds will be enough I said to myself before my thoughts were interrupted with a loud and hard thwack! I didn’t so much fall forwards, as fly forwards. I could see myself heading for the sloppiest pool of mud I’d ever seen in my life but could do nothing to stop myself falling. There was a large splat and my entire body was submerged in thick, sticky, cold mud.

I lay spread-eagled in the sloppy brown goo in a state of shock, unable to move. Eventually, I slowly prized myself out of the slop only for my arms to slip and there I fell face first again. I lay squirming in the mud before eventually getting on my knees and slowly standing up. I was covered head to toe in mud, dripping everywhere from the top of my head to my feet. With what little dignity left for me to muster, I picked up the fence and finished the job. Lady Tara rode back into the stable and I squelched uncomfortably behind her. When I got to the stable door, she had disembarked and was waiting for me, arms folded.

“You’re going to have to speed up, if you want this job” she said, without a hint of a smile “Now open up the front of your shorts again”. I looked at her, hoping for a hint of mercy, but there was none. I slowly pulled the waistband of my shorts open again. Beside Lady Tara was a bucket of really sloppy mud. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was coming next and sure enough she took a peek down my shorts.

“Hmmm, it’s true what they say about cold water” she giggled, before tipping the entire contents of the bucket down my shorts. The cold sloppy mud splattered over my bare bits causing me to yelp slightly. When the bucket was empty, Lady Tara threw it to the floor and glared at me.

“I don’t know why I bother giving the Unemployed of this country a helping hand, they’re bloody useless”. She placed a hand over my crotch and rubbed the mud in through my shorts with a malevolent half grin, before looking me coldly in the eye.

“We’re going into the house now” she announced “so let’s hope, for your sake, you’re not as useless inside as you are outside”. She strode off, back towards Sploshingham Hall; I followed her, watching that tight little bum wiggle in front of me.

“I do hope you’re not looking at my bottom Matthew” she proclaimed “or you’ll be off my land so quickly you’ll make Usain Bolt look like a lame tortoise”.

I averted my eyes so I didn’t see Lady Tara make her wiggle even more pronounced and missed the cheeky smile that had spread across her pretty face. We eventually reached Sploshingham Hall. She opened the door and I began to follow her inside.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing, you imbecile. You can’t come inside in that state!” I looked down at my muddy body and she had a point.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” I asked.


I looked at Matthew; is he really asking what he should do now? I pondered. I was thinking I should just put the poor boy out of his misery and tell him that he was clearly not up to my high standards! But then again he was very trying, and that body was quite cute before it got covered in that horrid mud.

"Well you should get cleaned up! Didn't you have a suit? Now you have 10 minutes to sort yourself out and present yourself to me in the house!" and with that I slammed the door firmly in Matthew’s face. I stood behind the huge oak door, listening to the sound of his squelching footsteps as he made his way off to get cleaned up. I let out a loud giggle.

"Oh this is brilliant fun" I grinned, turning to the huge mirror in the hallway and checking my hair and make-up before adjusting my dress. "Right I wonder how he's going to get cleaned up", and with that I tottered upstairs into my vast bedroom. Striding across the room I flung open the French doors and walked out onto my balcony terrace which over looks the court yard. Down below I saw Matthew. I leant on the railings and watched.

Matthew trudged across the courtyard grumbling and cursing. He’d obviously decided the only way to get cleaned up was to make use of the car washing buckets from earlier, so he refilled them and - using a clean sponge - Matthew began to wash himself down in the warm morning sunshine. It isn't long before most of the mud was washed away. The red silk boxers were still a soaked muddy mess and clung hopefully to his waist and legs.

“Very nice” I smiled from my vantage point. “If only id set up my camera I giggled. Oooh what's he doing now” I watched closely as he walked over to the luxurious lounger I was laid on earlier, looking for his suit. Matthew raised his hands to his head then shook his head with disbelief as he hurried over to the fence. He climbed carefully onto the fence and reached over, trying to grab his suit. "MMmmm" I grinned watching as his soggy boxers slid slowly down his thighs, the further he reached over the fence.

"OOOoohhh Cute!! " I called out, ogling his exposed bum.

Matthew clearly had no idea I was watching and the surprise caught him unaware. He lost his balance and toppled forwards. His boxers, now round his ankles, caught on the top of the fence, suspending Matthew upside down. His face was perilously close to the muddy puddle on the other side, his feet twitched, trying to make sure the boxers don't slide off completely sending him face planting into the thick mud.

“Oh brilliant" I giggled, clapping my hands. "This is the most entertainment I've had for ages”.

The poor soaked material of his boxers had now had enough. They’d suffered numerous soakings and splatterings in mud and with a slow RRIIIPPPP noise they split clean in two. There was a momentary pause as the realisation hit Matthew of what was about to happen and then SPLUT!! He fell face first into the thick mud, lying in a crumpled heap, naked except for a pair of shoes and socks. Trying to suppress my laughter I called out

"5 minutes and you need to be inside looking respectable!" and with that I turned on my heels and tottered back into my bedroom, laying out on a chaise lounge. I laid back and closed my eyes. I chuckled loudly to myself going over the events of the morning so far.

"Hhhmm maybe I'll score him 2 out of 10 at this stage, he definitely needs to improve his outdoor work". My thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sound of footsteps heading up the stairs

"You had better be clean in my house!" I snapped

"Yes, your ladyship" I heard Matthew call out

"Well then come here, let me inspect you. If there is one spot of dirt ANYWHERE in my house you will be very, very, sorry!" The footsteps continued as Matthew made his way across the landing, eventually appearing in the doorway.

"Oh my GOD!" I sat staring "now that is quite the sight. Well, at least you are clean"

I chuckled looking at Matthew, he was still in his smart shoes and socks, but now he was squeezed into an old pair of my jodhpurs, which he must have found in the stables. They were far, far too small and barely covered his knees. They were tight; so tight, I could clearly see he was not wearing any underwear. On top he is wearing his suit jacket which looks relatively clean with a few damp patches where he had tried to remove the mud.

"Looking good; very smart” I giggled "now shall we move onto the next stage of the interview?"


At least this next part of the interview had to be warmer and drier I said, consoling myself. I realised I looked ridiculous and the jodhpurs were dangerously tight, which did not make bending over very easy. I looked down at my crotch and could see why Lady Tara’s eyes had lingered there. To say my outfit left little to the imagination was something of an understatement. I tried to pull my suit jacket farther down, but it would only go so far.

Lady Tara showed me around her bedroom. It was huge and elegant; a king sized four poster bed was the centre piece, but there was a tasteful 2 seat sofa on the far wall and expensive looking art. There were several full length mirrors and an antique dressing table so large it came with two chairs. There were two doors on the side wall and her Ladyship showed me to the door furthest away.

“This is my private bathroom” she said opening the door to a room bigger than most of the flats I’d rented when I was younger. The far side of the bathroom was a wet area. There were two showers and a Jacuzzi bath. Then there was a sink and an antique toilet with a luxurious padded seat. The area of the bathroom leading into the bedroom had a thick rug in the centre, more mirrors and a number of antique cabinets.

“I have cleaners for the other bathrooms in the Hall, but very few people are allowed up here. The only reason you’re getting to see it is because my assistant needs to be able to meet my standards of cleanliness. You’re on very thin ice, but if you do a good job of cleaning my bathroom, you might just – with a hell of a lot of luck – be in with the slightest outside chance of getting this job. Now get to work”

I did as I was told and began to scrub, mop and cleanse Lady Tara’s bathroom. It wasn’t exactly dirty before I started, but I was determined to get it gleaming. Lady Tara watched me intently, occasionally calling over at me to hurry up, or use more elbow grease; but I worked hard and soon the bathroom sparkled. I invited her Ladyship to inspect the finished product. She walked into the wet area and inspected the shiny, clean tiles. I followed her flushed with pride at what I’d hoped was a perfect job. When she got to the corner of the wet area she bent over to see the tiles on the very bottom row. Her tight dress rose up the further she bent over and I couldn’t help but see the tops of her stockings; she then bent over even further and I was sure I caught the slightest glimpse of her lower buttocks. I couldn’t take my eyes off her sexy form, so much so that I was still gawping when she turned round to face me.

“Are you enjoying yourself” Lady Tara snapped furiously, her eyes moving from my red face to my crotch.

“Yes, errr…..I mean n…no” I stuttered

“You need a cold shower” she declared and pressed a button on the wall. Whoosh, a jet of cold water came down all over me soaking my suit jacket and the jodhpurs. I gasped for air as the chilly water splashed down; so much for being warm and dry. I eventually managed to locate the off switch, but by then I was dripping head to toe in cold water. Lady Tara, meanwhile, was totally ignoring my plight and continued her inspection as if it were the most normal thing in the world to drench one’s staff.

I wiped my eyes and watched my prospective new boss go through each cabinet in forensic detail, looking for the slightest mistake. I could tell by the slightly frustrated way she approached the last cabinet she was struggling to find fault. Then, on the final shelf, something caught her attention.

“Unbelievable” she scowled “what kind of an idiot are you?” Lady Tara walked over to me clutching a large tin of shaving cream.

“Your Ladyship?” I replied, puzzled by her outburst. She shoved the tin a few inches from my dripping face.

“Look!” she exclaimed and without further warning squeezed the top of the tin, spraying the foam straight into my face.

“Mmmpphhhh” I spluttered as the foam splattered over me. Lady Tara kept squeezing until my head was completely covered in the messy shaving cream.

“I can’t believe you think it’s acceptable to leave the top off the shaving cream” she said, scolding me.

I slowly wiped my eyes, my face and hair covered in the creamy white goo. Then I felt the nozzle on the small of my back. She wouldn’t, surely. Ffffttttttt, I felt the shaving cream squirting into the back of the jodhpurs; it slopped all over my bum and down my thighs, I could feel the jodhpurs fill up with shaving cream and the slimy contents of the tins squeezed into every nook and cranny. Lady Tara only relented when the tin ran empty.

“Eeeeewww” I groaned feeling decidedly slimy below the waist.

“I will not tolerate sloppiness in this house” Lady Tara proclaimed “but I suppose apart from the shaving foam lid you did do an acceptable job on my bathroom, lets see how you do on the next task"


"This way and don't drip any of that shaving foam through my house!" I ordered, spinning on my heels and pushing past Matthew. I caught his head turn, following the scent of my perfume as I walked past. I walked out of bedroom chambers and strode down the impressive landing. I could hear Matthew shuffling and squelching along behind me.

"Don’t make a mess!!" I shouted back without turning round. I continued to walk down to the far end of the corridor until I reached a door at the far end. I slowly pushed it open to reveal a large room. The far wall was covered by a mirror and there was what appears to be gym equipment under a number of sheets. Dotted round the room were a number of paint pots, pasting troughs and other decorating equipment.

"I've just had my gym redecorated but the useless decorators left all their equipment lying around so I need you to tidy up my gym by taking all this stuff outside and then set up all the equipment and test it so it is working properly. Then I can resume my workouts and maintain this figure" at which point I posed seductively. I watched as Matthew was immediately transfixed. Looking me up and down.

"Enough!" I said, snapping my fingers, "now get to it". I walked round the room pulling the sheets off of all the expensive gym equipment.

"Ooh I have an idea" I grinned mischievously "you do look quite fit, so why don’t you test my treadmill". I ushered the reluctant looking Matthew onto the treadmill and pushed my gloved finger to his lips. "Shussh, no ifs or buts.....you must test this for me!"

I pushed the buttons on the control panel and started the treadmill on an easy speed, watching as Matthew began to jog awkwardly, the tight shaving cream filled jodhpurs causing him to grimace with each step.

"HHmmm, very good, lets see how fast you can go"

"Uh oh your ladyship that's not a good idea...." Matthew stammered

I pushed my finger down, accelerating the treadmill, faster and faster, Matthew tried valiantly to keep pace with the treadmill but not even Usain Bolt could run that fast and inevitably disaster happened. Matthew stumbled, losing his balance and crashed down onto the treadmill. The speed of the treadmill catapulted him backwards off the back of the treadmill and straight into a trough of gooey wallpaper paste. I stood hands on hips, shaking my head, looking at Matthew as he lay stunned sprawled in the trough.

"You are supposed to run on a treadmill otherwise that happens. You really are spending far too much time lying down on this interview, I think you best get on with tidying up my gym!"

Matthew slowly hauled himself up with a loud slurp from the trough, paste dripped all down his back and legs. He shuffled awkwardly over to large tin of paint and slowly bent down to pick it up.....SPLIT!

"Oh my!" I giggled watching as the tight jodhpurs finally gave up and split down the seat. White shaving foam oozed out and mixed with the paste. Matthew looked furious; but with a renewed determination he picked up the large bucket in 2 hands. He staggered forwards the bucket obscuring his view.

"Erm...watch where you are going......" I call out, but it was too late. Unable to see, Matthew stumbled straight into my Pilates ball and slumped over it, the bucket of pink paint was planted on the floor as he fell over the ball and his head was plunged straight into the bucket. I stood watching tutting, looking at Matthew slumped over the ball, head in the bucket, exposed bum wiggling in the air.

"This really will not do, it really won’t” I said. “Tidy up and test the equipment. Stop messing around and finish this task, after all this exercise I’m going to go freshen up!” With that I strode out of the door, grabbing the handle and slamming it shut. The force of the slam sent a tin of paint on the shelf directly above Matthew toppling over, cold green paint dripped slowly onto his exposed bum.
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Slapstickman
 
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Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:36

“Oh no” I groaned as I felt something splash down on my bare bottom “this is unbelievable”. I slowly lifted my head from the bucket of pink paint, plastered from the top of my chest upwards in sloppy goo. I wiped my eyes and then wiped my hands on the lower inside front of my jacket – the only clean part left, then ran my hands over my exposed bum. I could feel the paint over my buttocks.

“How humiliating” I moaned. I tried to look on the bright side; at least having ripped, the jodhpurs were less tight and there was now a possibility I may be able to father children sometime in the future. At least they ripped at the back rather than the front, so I was only walking around with my bottom hanging out. Admittedly there were still many things that could be improved, but at least I was still in the running for the job and maybe her Ladyship was warming to me a little?

Freshly energised I took off my suit jacket and wiped my face and hair as well as I could and then mopped up what green goo I could from my bum. I sadly tossed the suit jacket into the trough of wallpaper paste finally accepting it was ruined. I began to move the paint and paste to the door of the gym, moving the sheets to the far corner. The room was starting to look like a proper gym again; but then I noticed the back wheel of the exercise bike stuck in a trough of yellow paint.

“Typical” I groaned and tried to lift the bike out of the yellow slop. Somehow though the trough had got wedged under the wheel and it was going nowhere. I bent over, trying to work out how I could move the bike. It seemed to be attached to the floor. As I pondered, trying to think of how to solve this problem, Lady Tara opened the gym door and got an instant view of my green bum stuck in the air.

“What the hell are you doing?” she yelled. The unexpected shout made me jump forwards. I accidentally fell on the start up control for the exercise bike, setting it to automatic mode. I stood up, just behind the bike and just in time to see the back wheel start spinning.

“Oh no!” I whined the wheel span through the trough of yellow paint and splashed it backwards. I was helpless and could do nothing but stand and be sprayed from head to toe in thick yellow paint. I spluttered and gasped as the paint splashed down my face, over my upper torso and down the jodhpurs. When, eventually, the trough was empty I was dripping yellow slop. I turned to face Lady Tara.

“You are a walking disaster!” she exclaimed “come here”. I gingerly stepped over to her, leaving a trail of yellow paint. This had to be the moment she fired me.

“You have 5 minutes to clear this mess up” she hissed “Now get to it!” Lady Tara turned around and left the gym.

Luckily(?) most of the yellow paint had been sloshed over my body, so the mess wasn’t that great on the floor. I used the decorating sheets to wipe myself down again and then mopped the floor clean. Hurriedly, I ran with the leftover paint up and down the stairs, leaving it in a small courtyard at the side of the hall. By some miracle when Lady Tara appeared 5 minutes later, the gym looked as good as new.

“Hmmmmm” she pondered, surveying the scene before her “I didn’t think you’d do it”. I smiled, was I winning her round.

“Not because it was difficult” she snapped, realising she might have inadvertently given me a compliment “but because you’re a complete imbecile with the brains of a mentally impaired snail”

“Thank you” I beamed, before realising what she’d said. Lady Tara just shook her head and sighed.

“Why can’t I ever get anyone competent in for an interview?” she bemoaned out loud.

“You haven’t seen the best of me yet, your Ladyship” I replied, trying to salvage the situation.

“I don’t know about that” Lady Tara returned with a cheeky glint in her eye. I was almost sure I caught her stealing a glimpse of my paint covered crotch, the wet yellow slop, making the jodhpurs almost transparent. I blushed slightly, but he Ladyship had already moved on.

“Hang on a minute, what did you do with all the left over paint and paste?”

“It’s all down in that side courtyard” I smiled, pleased with myself.

“You can’t keep it there” she snapped, storming out of the door and down the stairs. She flung open the door and surveyed the paint.

“What am I supposed to do with it then?” I asked.


"Oh you are a fool!! This is not good; you can’t leave it here. Shift it all, right now! I want it all moving!"

"But where to?" Matthew asked

"Load it all up and take it to those outbuildings up by the stables" I commanded

Matthew slowly bent down and picked up the pasting troughs first. He was about to turn and head off towards the outbuildings.

"Erm where do you think you are going!"

"The outbuildings, as commanded by your Ladyship" he replied

"Don't get smart with me. You can carry more than that! Now stand there while I pass everything to you" I ordered.

I carefully and daintily began bending over and picking up the buckets of paint; taking enormous care not to get a tiny speck of paint on my gloves or dress. I carried them carefully over to Matthew and began balancing them and piling them up on his outstretched arms, paste troughs, tins of paint, brushes, boxes. Before long all that could be seen was a pair of legs protruding from the heaped mass pile of decorating paraphernalia.

"Right, ok, off you go then!" I said as I tottered round behind him.

"But...but.....but your Ladyship I can’t see where I’m going!"

"Oh, stop being such a whiner! It's straight ahead. One foot in front of the other, I'm sure even you can manage that" and with that I lifted my right boot and deliberately placed the spike heel behind his bare exposed bum.

"Now MOVE IT!!" I planted my boot into his bum eliciting a loud Yelp from Matthew as he staggered awkwardly forwards.

I stood watching, hands on hips, shaking my head, as he trudged awkwardly and slowly towards the outbuildings.

“I just want one decent employee” I murmured

I raised my gloved hand to my mouth and began to snigger. With each staggered step; the ruined, ripped yellow paint soaked jodhpurs began to make a slow descent. Each step he took they slid another inch or two. Slowly Matthews bum was more and more exposed and his steps became more awkward as he tried to maintain his balance and dignity. His awkward steps became harder and harder as the jodhpurs wrapped round his knees. Unsure what to do, he decided to quicken his steps but this only resulted in the slide being hastened until the jodhpurs were round his ankles. He slowly turned to face me!

"Oh my god" I gasped and giggled, unable to control myself as I got an eyeful of Matthew’s exposed cock. "Carry on you're nearly there. Ooh wait you forgot this small tin of wood stain and I've just seen somewhere to hang it!" Giggling, I tottered over holding the tin. “Hmm it doesn't have a handle - I know”. I cheekily upturned the small tin and pushed it over Matthew’s cock. Wood stain oozed over the head of his penis as I managed to balance the tin on his member. "Perfect, now off you go”

Matthew trudged off heading for the outbuildings. He took his time over the last few steps, navigating the doorway into the dimly lit building.

"MMEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW" CRASH SPLAT CLANG SPLAT

"Oh, my Cat!" I squealed, hurrying towards the outbuilding. As I reached the door way, I peered inside. I stared into the gloom unable to believe the sight before me, Matthew was sat on his bare bum, legs apart, propped up against a wooden chest. He was stark naked, covered in paste and brightly coloured paint. Tins of paint and paste troughs lay splattered everywhere.

"You look like a dulux colour chart! What did you do to my cat? "

"Meeow"

I looked up.

"Oh Jools! There you are; are you ok? Did the naughty man stand on you?" I glared down at Matthew as I tottered carefully towards Jools who was stood on a large barrel on the crate behind Matthew. I edged slowly closer, my legs spread as I avoided the goo on the floor, standing directly in front of Matthew. I leant forwards to grab Jools

"Uunngghhh" Matthew groaned, dazed. He slowly opened his eyes and stared. I picked up Jools and looked down.

"Stop staring at my legs!" I snapped seeing Matthews gaze fixed on my thighs. “Uurrghh you men are all the same". I stepped back tugging the hem of my dress down, then I reached out and flicked the tap on the barrel to ‘ON’.

GLUG GLUG GLUG

I retreated from the outbuilding as thick gooey molasses slowly oozed from the barrel and began to cover Matthew as he sat helplessly below.


Oh Shit!” I gasped, as thick molasses began to cover my naked body, sat - as I was - in just my shoes “this is not good”. I could do nothing but sit there and take it, the thick messy slop oozing over me. I could feel the weight of the dark, heavy syrup cover me completely, until eventually the barrel was empty.
I slowly got up from the crate.

“Ok, this is pretty much the most humiliating experience I’ve ever had” I said to myself, but the interview was surely almost over and things could only improve from this point. I wiped my eyes several times before I was able to see and noticed this outbuilding had a power washer, hung from the wall “No hosepipe indeed” I muttered.

I carefully balanced the power washer a few feet away from me and when I was sure it was fixed securely I turned it on. Whhhooossshhhh, the jet knocked me to my feet at first, such was the power. It must have been a comical sight to see a naked man covered in molasses blasting himself with cold water so hard that he fell over; but I stood up again and kept my balance this time. Soon the Molasses was being blasted from my hair and skin and in a few minutes the cold water had got rid of every last gloopy drop from my body. I was freezing cold, stark naked and battered, but I was clean and that was the main thing.

There were some lockers against the wall; the keys were still in the locks so I carefully opened the first one up. “Bingo” I yelled as inside the locker was a fresh, clean pair of white overalls, a pair of trainers and a towel. I quickly dried myself and then slipped on the overalls and trainers. There was no underwear unfortunately, but I was dry and clean and could resume my duties immediately. This interview was far from over.

I walked to the door of Sploshingham Hall and rang the bell. After quite a wait, the door was pulled open and an incredulous Lady Tara stood before me.

“I’m reporting back for duty your Ladyship” I smiled. Her ladyship gave me the once over, clearly unable to believe the naked man she’d covered in molasses just a few minutes ago was now clean, clothed and ready to go again. I thought I spotted a grudging smile of admiration for a second, but it was soon gone.

“What took you so long?” she snapped “then again don’t explain, I simply don’t have the patience. Now follow me”. I did as I was told and followed her ladyship back upstairs to her bedroom. She opened the door along the wall from her en-suite bathroom and showed me in. It was a huge dressing room, the biggest I’d ever seen in my life. Filled with so many clothes, Lady Tara could have opened her own Department store. There were scores of boots and shoes and evening wear, gloves, designer dresses, night wear, riding gear, business suits and expensive looking lingerie. I stood open mouthed amazed at what I was seeing. There was an air conditioning unit by the side wall.

“All my clothes are stored at exactly the right temperature to keep them in perfect condition” she explained. By the far wall, there were two huge metal clothes racks absolutely crammed with all manner of clothing. “Now if you want to work for me, you’re going to have to make sure my clothes are always clean and available whenever I need them and that includes putting them away. You’ve got ten minutes to put all the clothes on these racks away in the right place. If you fail to do it, then I’m afraid you’ll be back on the dole with all the other work-shy wasters”.

Lady Tara left the room and I was left with what looked like an impossible task. I was, however, re-energised by my extreme shower and I worked like a demon to put the clothes back quickly and neatly. By the time her Ladyship re-appeared, I was just putting the final dress back in the wardrobe. I could tell Lady Tara was a little impressed by my work-rate although she tried her best to hide it.

“See, that was such an easy task even you could complete it” she sneered. She did a check of the wardrobes, everything was where it should be, much to her annoyance. Then I noticed the white thong, lying on the middle of the floor. I wasn’t sure whether it was I who’d dropped it or if it had been there all along, but I knew if her Ladyship saw it, then that would be curtains for me. Whilst Lady Tara wasn’t looking, I quickly bent over and picked it up. She turned round quickly.

“What are you doing?” she asked

“Just stretching” I lied “keeping in top physical condition”. I held the thong nervously in my hands behind my back.

“What are you holding?” she asked.

“Nothing” I replied

“Let’s see your hands then” she demanded. I had no choice but to throw the thong behind me as far away as possible from her sight line and then show my hands. Lady Tara was watching me intently though, so I couldn’t look as though I was throwing something away. I flicked my hands casually and the thong flew gently backwards. I showed her Ladyship my hands.

“Good; now stop messing about. You’ve finally done one task half competently – shall we break out the Champagne?” she drawled sarcastically. “Come on, time for another task”. Her Ladyship strode purposefully out of the room “follow me”

I looked frantically around for the thong, but I couldn’t see it. There wasn’t time for a full search, I had to follow her. At least it’s out of view, I thought to myself. What I didn’t know at this stage was that the thong had fallen into the air conditioning unit. We’d shut the door before the unit started to smoke an unhealthy black smoke.

I followed Lady Tara down to Sploshingham Hall’s vast kitchen; it was bigger than the kitchen for most restaurants, I thought, but there were no staff working.

“If you’d properly researched this job, you’d know I have a small bespoke factory that produces organic cakes and desserts; my brand is known as……”

“Fine Foods” I finished.

“Oh, you have done your homework” she said sarcastically “I didn’t know you could read. I don’t make the food of course; I have a team of grunts to do that for me. If you get this job you may be required to do some work in my factory. I have some new devices to aid the production process that need to be tested I sacked the inventor for being late to work. He said he was 5 minutes late because he had to take his daughter to the hospital because she had some life threatening disease or other, but that’s not my problem so he had to go. Before I let him leave though, I made him finish all his inventions and deliver them here – on threat of legal action. Today, as the final part of your interview, we’re going to test those tools. I want to see you handling your tools”

“Now, you need to bring the contents of the pantry (she indicated where the pantry was) over here. And be snappy!” she continued.

I walked into the pantry and it was crammed with every conceivable ingredient needed to make desserts as well as what looked like torture equipment. I quickly, but carefully, transferred everything from the pantry to the kitchen as ordered.

“Come On, hurry up” Lady Tara snapped impatiently “open up those sponge bases” I started to rip open the packaging on the bases “and open that custard” she said, pointing to the half dozen cartons of value custard stacked on the kitchen side.

“I thought all your desserts were produced organically using only the best fresh ingredients from your own dairy?” I asked, puzzled. Lady Tara laughed.

“Do you believe in the Easter bunny and Father Christmas as well? I just say that so I can charge exorbitant prices and increase my margins. You are naïve. Now stop wasting my time with stupid questions and get the custard poured into those bases” I did what I was told and poured the sloppy custard into the cheap sponge bases.

“There’s some cream in the fridge, the pies need to be topped with that” she said “you can be quite generous with the topping it’s very cheap”.

I located the cream and brought it over to the table. Under the watchful eye of her ladyship, I topped each of the 8 custard pies I’d made with cream. Lady Tara handed me a large, thick metal rod with a metal box and a small shovel at the end.

“Now this implement is supposed to be useful for scooping up any stray pies and wrapping them in plastic” she explained “you scoop up the pie with the shovel device, it goes into the little metal box and you press the red button at the top of the rod. The pie is then wrapped and is gently pushed out of the box ready to sell. So even if a pie falls on the floor it should be salvageable, which will save me a fortune”

“Isn’t it unhygienic to pick up pies from the floor and wrap them up to sell?” I asked, but Lady Tara shot me a look that suggested I drop the matter immediately.

“Come on then, you buffoon, even you should be able to manage this. Scoop a pie up from the table and press the red button. Hurry up, I haven’t got all day”. I did as I was told and found it remarkably easy to scoop a pie up into the box. It slipped effortlessly into the metal box, so I pressed the red button.

“Come on, come on” Lady Tara said impatiently “let me have it”

Instead of wrapping up the pie and easing it gently to the top of the box area, the little metal doors on the box flung open and the pie was launched into the air. I could only watch with horror as the messy dessert flew towards my sexy prospective new boss. There was a huge splatting sound as the messy dessert hit Lady Tara straight in the face.
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Slapstickman
 
Posts: 71 [ View ]
Joined: 26 May 2006, 21:16
Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:39

I stared wide eyed in shock, my eyes were fixed on the object getting bigger and bigger as it neared me.

"Oh no...." I managed to squeal before the thick gooey pie splatted firmly into my face. I stood motionless in total and utter shock, my entire face covered in thick pie. Slowly and deliberately I raised my gloved hands to the side of my face, gripping the pie tin. I slowly prised the tin away from my face. As I pulled the tin away a dollop of pie dripped slowly from my chin, splodging down onto my chest....."OOohH!" I gasped shuddering as the cold goo slowly slides into my cleavage.

I forced my eyes open through the thick pie and blinked, the pie feeling so heavy on my face. I could, however, make Matthew out at the other side of the kitchen sniggering.

"PPLFFGGGHHHH" I spluttered as I opened my mouth to say something. "EEUURRGHHH. Oh oh oh.....bring me a towel" I gasped......"I need a towel NOW!" I stared in disbelief as Matthew stood motionless.

"Why aren't you moving!!?” I scream "I've got pie.....p....p....p.....PIE all over my face! Wait until I get my hands on that inventor...there is going to be a lawsuit for this. Give that towel to me now"

"Here you go your Ladyship....Catch!" Matthew called.

"Huh!" I looked up and saw the tea towel come sailing through the air. It hit me in the face and fell to the floor. I glared at Matthew, furious. I held my stare with him for a few seconds before I slowly and carefully bent down and picked up the towel. Then I began to slowly dab and wipe my face managing to remove most of the cream. A few remnants remained round the edges of my face and splattered in my hair. I carefully reached for a small tissue and then, taking it in my hand, I reached down into the top of my dress and removed the piece of pie.

"Urrghhh!" I groaned, pulling out my compact. I checked my face and my make-up. "HHuummpphh! That invention needs to be put in the bin it is hazardous!" I snapped matter of factly.

"And ....AND.....seeing as you were operating it!" I calmly walked over to the work top where the remaining pies were sat by the machine. Without saying another word, I picked up one of the pies and slowly pushed it into Matthew’s face. I followed it with a second pie and then a third. I took the fourth and fifth pies and sandwiched his head between them, then slapped the sixth pie on to the top of his head, before finally smearing the seventh pie down his front.

"Huummpphh! I DO NOT like mess!! Do I make myself clear? Now carry on with the testing and make sure all these devices work properly. I do not wish to waste any more time on this!"


With that, Lady Tara flounced out of the kitchen. I slowly wiped my eyes free of pie. Once again I’d been completely humiliated; this time only minutes after I’d cleaned myself up, naked in a barn with freezing cold water. As pie dripped down my body from my face and upper torso I began to think about all the other indignities I’d had to suffer that morning. I’d been soaked, stripped, pushed in the mud, covered in paint and molasses, had my best suit ruined, had my bottom spanked with a riding crop, a pot of wood stain stuck on my cock; it was fair to say it had not exactly been a red letter day.

I was now pretty sure I didn’t want this job anymore and looking around the kitchen I could see I had everything I needed to teach Lady Tara a lesson she’d never forget. I had to work fast, but I’d had to work fast all day and finally this was for my entertainment, not hers. After about 25 minutes, I’d set everything up perfectly.

“Your Ladyship” I called

“What is it now?” Lady Tara yelled. I heard her make her way over to the kitchen. As she got closer, I checked for a final time that everything was in place. Lady Tara pushed open the door and the big bucket of iced water I’d balanced on top of the door upended sending its freezing contents splashing down over her. Lady Tara gasped with shock as the icy deluge hit her; there were plenty of ice cubes still in the water and I could see several had slipped into her cleavage. Her hair, face and dress dripped.

“What the hell is going on?” she screamed and spluttered.

“Oh my god” I gasped, dashing over to her Ladyship clutching a towel “I have no idea what happened…here, dry your face”

Lady Tara snatched the towel from me and delicately wiped her face dry. As she let the towel drop I could see her eyes were flashing with anger and she was about to let me have a tirade of abuse. However, in my other hand, I was holding a large custard pie and before she had chance to open her mouth, I slapped the pie straight in her face. She squealed as the messy dessert made contact with her pretty features. The pie tray eventually slipped away from her face and a thick dollop of creamy custard fell into her cleavage. I could feel her shaking with anger, but there was no going back now. I picked up another pie and this time slapped it hard over her bottom.

The creamy pie exploded over the back of Lady Tara’s dress and down her legs, spraying creamy goo all over. It also had the desired effect of making her Ladyship stumble forwards slightly. Waiting in front of her, was the remnants of a dessert trolley I’d freshly dismantled. All that was left of it was the bottom tray and the wheels, but that was enough as her Ladyship stepped on the tray with both feet and the tray began to move forwards.

“Aaagghhhhooohhhhhh” Lady Tara yelled as the contraption hurtled forwards with her on it. I’d placed a large wooden block a few feet in front of the tray and as the wheels made contact with the block, the trolley came to an abrupt halt, throwing her Ladyship off into the air. In front of her, I’d filled an old bathtub I’d found in a utility room on the side of the kitchen with freshly whipped cream. There was a large splat as Lady Tara landed in the bath tub face first and was submerged in the thick white goo.

“Gllluuuubbbbb” Lady Tara gurgled as she disappeared under a thick pool of slop. It all went quiet for a few seconds until she reappeared every inch of her covered in cream, her face was splattered, her hair plastered, her expensive dress ruined.

“How dare you” she spluttered “how dare you. You’re going to pay for this, you…….” Unfortunately for Lady Tara she didn’t have the opportunity to finish. Above her head tied round the rafters was a large bucket filled with chocolate custard attached to a rope that dangled in front of her. As she stood yelling at me, she’d held onto the rope to hold her steady. As she was losing her temper more and more, she pulled harder and before she could do anything to stop it, the rope had yanked the bucket upside down and the contents splashed down over her, covering her creamy head and shoulders in a thick brown gloop.

“Oh, Oh Ohhhhh” she yelled as the brown slime made contact. Lady Tara looked a sight all covered in thick white and brown goo, her hair was now a total mess and her dress was plastered to her sexy curves. Slowly and gingerly she stepped out of the bath, dripping slop onto the once pristine kitchen floor.

“Never in my life have I ever….” She started. Close to the bath was a chair. Lady Tara was raging but sat down to recover from the deluge. That was another mistake as the chair collapsed as soon as she hit the seat and her Ladyship was left on the floor, legs akimbo, the collapsed seat around her. I could see her stocking tops and her red lacy knickers as she sat inelegantly on the floor. Unfortunately for Lady Tara on the floor, in front of the chair and with its sights firmly targeted on her was another of the inventions. This one was a dessert gun used for squirting warm lemon curd on the top of meringues, with pin point accuracy. It was primed to go up her skirt and with a click of my remote control, that’s exactly what happened.

Lady Tara gasped with surprise as the warm sticky curd was pumped between her legs and slopped over her boots and stockings and up her thighs.

“Ooooooooh, ohhhhhhh” she squealed, the sticky yellow goo covering her stocking tops and beginning to slop over her knickers. She picked herself slowly off the floor, but it was covered in cream and curd and custard and she fell forwards. This time there was a complete dessert trolley waiting for her and I had stocked it with a large ice cream cake. Lady Tara fell face first into the cake, her face and chest submerged in the thick sticky dessert, her bum in the air as the trolley began to move.

“Wwwwaahhhhhhhhhh” she squealed as she careered across the kitchen once more on a dessert trolley; her face in a cold creamy cake, her bottom sticking in the air, her stockings and boots dripping sticky lemon curd. The trolley was heading for the fridge, which was huge, almost industrial in size. I opened the door just in time and Lady Tara crashed off the trolley into the fridge just her boots sticking out. She’d landed in a huge tray of eggs – there must have been about 96 of them - and they’d all cracked on impact.

“Grruuuuhhhhhh” she spluttered dazed, covered as she now was in yolk. She felt the slimy eggs drip down her cleavage. “Get me out of here” she yelled “right now”. I grabbed her boots and began to pull, but there was no movement. If I’d looked carefully, I’d have seen that the bottom of her dress was caught in the wire shelves of the fridge, but I didn’t notice so I pulled harder “get me out” she barked “at once”.

I pulled for dear life and there was a loud, ripping noise. Out of the fridge came Lady Tara, covered in eggs. They dripped from her face, mixed in with the ice cream cake; they were all down her cleavage and over her dress in her hair.

“I’m going to kill you” she raged and I believed her. She bent over and picked up a huge gateau from the fridge; she had to use both hands to lift it. “Come here” she ordered. However, it was at that moment we discovered what the ripping sound was as Lady Tara’s dress fell apart and fell off her body right in front of me, almost cartoon like was it’s disintegration. As her Ladyship was clutching the huge gateau there was nothing she could do but stand there as her dress landed round her ankles on the floor.

But what a sight! Because her dress had bra cups, her Ladyship was not wearing a bra – she stood before me in just her gloves, stockings, boots and a pair of expensive looking red knickers. Her 32C boobs jiggled free right in front of my eyes and I was dumb-struck by my sexy tormentor in a state of undress. In shock and acting instinctively, Lady Tara pulled her hands up to cover her bare breasts from view and slapped the gateaux right over them. She grimaced as the cold cream and chocolate filling made contact with her chest.

“I’m going to ruin you” she screamed at me as the gateau slid down her stomach and over the front of her knickers “you’ll never work again….ever!”

“Now, now my Lady; don’t be like that” I smiled soothingly “take a look at this”. I pulled a sheet away from the tall object standing next to us.

“What the hell is that?” she asked.

“It’s another invention made by your ex-employee, you know the inventor. I had a brief chat with him earlier. He’s a great bloke. He’s not your biggest fan though, is he?”

“The man is an incompetent and a scoundrel” Lady Tara huffed. I flicked a switch on the tall metal contraption that had several nozzles all pointing towards Lady Tara.

“But this is a piece of genius” I grinned “apparently, it’s programmed to spray you from head to toe in strawberry custard if your voice goes above the volume of a normal conversation. It’s got all kinds of smart voice recognition technology and it’s pretty nippy, so I doubt you’ll be able to outrun it. Incidentally if you do try and outrun it, then it will also start to spray you from head to toe in strawberry custard”. Lady Tara looked at the menacing nozzles and then back at me. I grabbed 3 large jugs from the bottom draw of the open fridge before shutting it and walking over to her Ladyship.

“Let’s get to know each other a little better. Do you like Gravy your Ladyship?”
Lady Tara looked as though she was about to scream at me, but looked to her side at the nozzles and thought better of it.

“No” she hissed quietly.

“Not even thick, cold, greasy gravy” I asked with a wide smile. I picked up the first jug and began to pour the contents – cold gravy – down her stiletto boots. Her Ladyship grimaced and cursed me under her breath as I went from boot to boot, filling them with the slimy, greasy goo. When the jug was empty, her boots were so full that gravy dribbled over the sides.

“How about mushy peas?” I asked and picked up the second jug “oh, these are really mushy”. I carefully opened up her right stocking top and slowly poured the sloppy green peas down her expensive stockings. She winced and glared at me as I repeated this for her left stocking top until the slimy green goo oozed down both her thighs.

“What a great pair of jugs” I grinned, looking at her Ladyship’s gateau covered bare breasts as I put the second jug down. “Now where should this 3rd jug go? Oh yes” I grabbed the third jug and pulled open the front of Lady Tara’s knickers. It was full of rice pudding. I glanced down at her Ladyship’s bare crotch then I poured the contents of the jug right down her lovely lacy panties, covering her in thick, creamy rice pudding. When I finished her knickers bulged with the sticky dessert.

“You pathetic little shit” Lady Tara yelled and then realised what she’d done. The onslaught was immediate, all the nozzles on the contraption suddenly started spraying thick pink strawberry custard over the hapless aristocrat. Her entire body was blasted, coating her from head to toe in the slop. Pink goo dripped from her face and hair, down her chest, over her bare breasts and stomach and down her toned thighs, she was thoroughly plastered. Eventually the blasts slowed to a trickle and Lady Tara wiped her eyes. Then she made a furious lunge for me. The floor was so slimy and slippy though she couldn’t stay on her feet for long, she fell onto the floor and flailed around in the mess. It was hilarious to watch.

After a considerable struggle, Lady Tara managed to get onto her hands and knees. I couldn’t resist it. Grabbing a custard pie, I stood behind her and grabbed hold of the back of her knickers. I yanked them down to her knees, exposing Lady Tara’s bare bottom. I slapped the pie with force over her naked bum – she squealed and shrieked and fell face first into the slop on the floor; her exposed pie covered bottom sticking up in the air.

After much further slipping and sliding, Lady Tara got to her feet, her knickers slid down round her ankles; she was naked except for gloves, boots and stockings. I grabbed my final pie.

“What are you going to do with that?” she spluttered “oh no, you’re not…..” I nodded and then grinned as I slid the pie up the top of her thighs over her bare pussy, smearing it in sloppy custard.

“You’re fired” she yelled at me

“I quit” I grinned. I looked at my messy nemesis one last time and then turned to walk out the door, leaving her naked and dripping head to toe in gunge.

“Hell will freeze over before you get another job in this County” Lady Tara spluttered.

As I opened the door there was a ringing sound. It was her Ladyship’s phone.
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Slapstickman
 
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Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:43

"Oh .....oh.......oh......." I gasped stunned and shocked that in the space of a few minutes I’d gone from being immaculately clean to being assaulted with all kinds of mess, catapulted and thrown around the place in an undignified fashion and now...now....I looked down, blinking through the mess caked to my face, I was completely naked except for my gooey gloves and my mess filled boots.

"Urrghhh” I whimpered as I took a tentative squelchy step forwards "my phone!" I scanned the room for my bag spying it on the far wall. I hurriedly reached down and, grimacing, hauled my gooey knickers back up my legs. Gingerly I made my way across the room. I heard the front door slam shut.

"GGrrr..... he will pay for this outrage; I will make sure of it" I gasped. I continued squelching across the mess strewn floor. Suddenly my feet went from under me, slipping on the gooey floor. Planting my hands on the nearest work top, I proceeded to dance like bambi, my legs slipping left to right, backwards and forwards my high heeled boots scrabbling for grip. My phone continued to ring as I edged across the floor, my exposed boobs jiggled with each slippery step. Finally I made it to my bag. I was straddling a bucket of cold cream. I reached over and plunged my messy gloved hand into my bag pulling out my phone.

"RING RING" "RING RING"

Just as I answered the phone, the heel on my left boot snapped, causing me to lose my balance. I let out a squeal of shock as I sat down straight in the bucket of cream with a loud PLOP and sank up to my waist in the creamy goo. Cream splattered up over my exposed chest and into my gooey face. I slowly lifted a gloved hand, flicking back my hair as cream drips from my chin. I brought my phone to my ear.

"Good Afternoon ....Lady Tara speaking" I said in my best telephone voice.

"Your Ladyship, its Kate, we have a problem, you need to get down to the factory right now". It was Kate Richmond my diary manager and general dogsbody.

"Why on earth do I need to do that?" I snapped, slightly irritated.

"Well you know you cancelled everyone's holidays so we can fulfil the order for the Lord Mayors banquet tomorrow. Well the workers have erm...erm. ... how shall I put this....they've erm...."

"Spit it out woman!" I snapped.

"Well they've walked out, they've gone on strike and they are not coming back!"

"WHAT!!! But the order!! “I shrieked.”We must fulfil the order!!! Oh oh oh god those little plebs! Don’t I pay them enough? Those selfish, miserable, good for nothing layabouts. Well they can go on strike and I will make it permanent because you can tell them Kate that they are FIRED!!"

"But your ladyship, what ....what about the order?"

"We'll do it. How hard can it be? Meet me at the factory in 30 minutes!" and with that I slammed the phone down.

"Matthew...where is he? Oh damnit!...I need to get him back"

"Shit!" I tried to pull myself from the bucket and, finally, with an enormous SLURPING sound I managed to pull myself free. I struggled to my feet; squelching and hobbling out of the side door into the courtyard. “I can't believe I'm doing this!" I thought to myself as I hobbled out in my broken, goo filled boots, still dripping in goo I was wearing only my gloves and my gooey knickers that were virtually transparent and stuck uncomfortably to my crotch and bum. I looked round frantically and spied Matthew climbing into his open top sports car.

"STOP!" I screamed, waving my arms as Matthew trundled towards me. He began flashing his lights and beeping his horn.

“Get out of the way!!" he screamed, as he drove closer. I stood stock still, waving my arms.

"STOP!.....STOP!!".....I stared, wide-eyed. "Oh god he isn't going to stop!!" Just as the car reached me I leaped forward, landing splayed on the bonnet my creamy face and bare breasts pressed up against the windscreen. "STOP THE CAR!!" I screamed.

"Get off the car you crazy woman!!" Matthew yelled. "I can't see!"

The car veered sideways off the drive and into a field, bumping and bouncing as it ploughed on.

"Uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh" I gasped holding on tightly, getting a face full of windscreen wash as Matthew tried to dislodge me from the bonnet.

The car continued towards the dairy store barn, crashing through the main doors and drove straight into a large vat of yoghurt. We both looked up at the slowly tilting vat. Matthew planted his foot to reverse the car; the wheels span but nothing, the weight of the vat was holding the car in place. The vat continued to tip and I felt a couple of splodges of yoghurt as they landed on my slimy knicker-clad bum. Then – WHOOOSHHHH - A deluge of yoghurt washed over me as I was laid on the bonnet. The deluge continued, covering Matthew in the car also. As we both screamed and spluttered the emptying of the vat released the pressure on the car and suddenly we burst backwards out of the shed, ploughing straight into a hay stack.

After a few moments of silence and stillness Matthew slowly lifts his head, covered in straw and yoghurt.

"What on earth are you doing?" Slowly I lifted my head spluttering “I need your help" I gasped "I’m desperate....please"


Desperate hmmmm” I considered, a smile slowly formed across my yogurty face, “how desperate?”

Lady Tara reluctantly took the pen and held my hastily completed contract of employment. She shook her head angrily

“£50,000 a year salary!”

I grinned

“8 weeks paid holiday a year!” she continued “and I have to buy all your work clothes, including underwear??”

“Seeing as it’s not yet 2pm and I’ve already gone through 3 changes of clothing today, I think that’s a fairly reasonable demand, don’t you?” I replied, looking down at my yogurt and straw covered overalls.

“This is preposterous! If I sack you in the first year, I have to pay you two years salary severance? There’s no way I’m signing this” she exclaimed.

“That’s fine!” I smiled “I have another job interview tomorrow. Well, it was nice meeting you your Ladyship. It’s been an interesting few hours. Good luck in the factory this afternoon. Sure you’ll get on just fine on your own”

“Ok, Ok” Lady Tara scowled and signed the contract. She handed it back to me.

“Excuse me, your Ladyship. It looks like you’ve accidentally signed the contact ‘Minnie Mouse’”. Lady Tara snatched the pen back and glared at me.

“How foolish of me” she smiled a smile that resembled a grimace much more than a smile and then signed her name on dotted line.

“That’s excellent. Thank you very much your Ladyship. I look forward to working with you”. Lady Tara did not look amused “and now to the second part of our deal”

“Just get on with it” Lady Tara snapped “we haven’t got time for all this messing around”

“But we must make time” I beamed.

Lady Tara was stark naked; not a stitch on. Even her patent leather boots had been removed. She was standing on a conveyor belt in the dairy store barn. Above her was a large tube that was itself attached to a huge metal vat. The vat had ‘Vanilla’ written on it in large letters. Grinning like a lottery winner I looked up at her and pressed a red button at the end of the belt. There was a whirring noise and then a large ssspppllllwwwhhhooosssh. Lady Tara was covered in gooey vanilla ice cream. The deluge was total and instantaneous; covering her bare body from head to toe. At least it provided some modesty.

“Oh…….my…god……it’s f….f…f…freezing” she gasped from under the mound of thick creamy slop.

“That was awesome” I yelled, pressing the button again. Lady Tara found herself moving down the conveyor belt. This time she stopped under a huge vat with ‘Strawberry’ written on it. Spllluuuurrrge! This time the torrent was a bright pink colour, it totally covered my sexy new boss, too.

“Th….Th…..This is ridiculous!” Lady Tara gasped, her bare body beginning to shake and shiver under the cold, creamy slop. I wasn’t finished with her yet though. I pressed the button for a third time and she was moved further down the line under a vat that read ‘Chocolate’. Splooooodggeeee! A torrent of sloppy brown goo was deposited over the naked aristocrat. Once more she was plastered head to toe.

“Oh, that was quality” I laughed “I’ll die a happy man now”. Lady Tara wiped her eyes and glared at me.

“Your death might not be too far away if you don’t help me down from here this minute”

I bowed to her wishes and helped her down. The saying was right, I chuckled to myself; revenge is a dish best served cold. Lady Tara did look very sexy under all that ice cream, her fit body all tensed up, her bare breasts dripping in creamy dessert.

“Right, you’ve had your fun” she scowled “you work for me and it looks like I’m going to be paying you very well, so you do as I say from now on, understand?”

“Yes your Ladyship”

“Good, now follow me”. Lady Tara set off across the courtyard back to Sploshingham Hall, still naked “and Matthew”

“Yes your Ladyship” I replied

“I know I have an extremely fine bottom, but if you don’t stop looking at it this minute, I will kick you in the testicles, do you understand me?”

“Yes your Ladyship”. I quickly and sensibly averted my eyes. There was a shower room just off the courtyard and Lady Tara beckoned me in.

“Come on, we need to shower” she ordered

“Wow!” I gasped to myself. I get to shower with Lady Tara. I practically ripped off my overalls, until I was standing naked in front of her Ladyship. Lady Tara grabbed an old tin bucket from the corner of the shower room and filled it with cold water. I stood patiently waiting as Lady Tara took the bucket and threw it over me.

“ohhhhh” I gasped, covered in the cold water. She filled up the bucket again, but this time handed it to me, along with an old towel.

“Clean yourself off in the yard, whilst I take a shower”. I trudged disappointedly out into the courtyard.

I cleaned myself off and wrapped the towel round my waist as I waited for Lady Tara to appear. Eventually she emerged, after a warm shower, wrapped in a luxury dressing gown.

“I need a change of clothes. I might even have something for you, if you behave!” she said and I followed her upstairs into her bedroom. She threw the door to her dressing room open.

I think her screams could be heard in other continents. Lady Tara’s dressing room was just a mass of charcoal. The sprinkler system had stopped the fire spreading, but all of her clothes were ruined - every last item.

“I don’t believe it” she howled “what happened?”

“I have no idea” I gasped genuinely shocked myself.

“If I ever find out you are responsible for this, I will strangle you with my bare hands” she fumed

“How could it have been my fault? I’ve been with you all the time” I protested.

“All my beautiful clothes” she wailed “I don’t believe it”

“The insurance will cover it” I smiled, trying to offer some comfort.

“Most of that was irreplaceable” she moaned

“Yes, but surely you don’t wear the same outfit twice?” I replied.

“But what am I going to wear to go to the factory?” she exclaimed in a state of panic

“You don’t have anything else you can wear anywhere in the house at all?” I asked, incredulously.

Lady Tara turned a shade of crimson and then bent over, pulling a locked chest from under her bed

“Leave me alone whilst I get changed” she ordered.

I waited in the hallway, not daring to call or enter her Ladyship’s bedroom. Eventually she appeared and my jaw nearly hit the floor.

She was wearing a crimson leather dress that flowed nearly to her ankles at the back, but from the front it was more like a mini dress and rode up to the top of her thighs. The front of the dress was open in a V and laced at the front meaning that part of her breasts were visible (providing plenty of cleavage) and a good deal of her toned stomach before the dress provided more modesty just below her belly button. It hugged her wonderful figure, particularly around her bum. The outfit was topped off with black stiletto boots that came to just above the knee and long black leather gloves that covered most of her arms. She blushed ever so slightly.

“If you ever tell anyone I have a dressing up box under my bed, so help me god….” She hissed threateningly. I could only nod, transfixed by the sexy outfit. “Right come on, let’s go”. I snapped out of my temporary daze.

“What about me?” I asked, pointing to my towel “what do I wear?”……………..


"Hmmm" I looked Matthew up and down. “Let me see what else I have in my dressing up box shall I"

I tottered back over to the chest and, taking care in my dress, squatted down and began rummaging around in the box.

"I'm sure there is something in here that will be suitable for you!" I giggled.

"AHA!! Found it; here you go". I held up a pair of black leather shorts, a pair of red braces, a black fireman's jacket and a yellow fireman's helmet complete with some black boots. I looked at your stunned face.

"Now hurry up, we have to get to the factory, I cannot afford for this order to not be completed! You signed the contract, so you work for me, now get changed and let’s go! I will sort you out some new work clothes as soon as we have got this order out of the way!"

Reluctantly Matthew picked up the clothes, glaring at me. I just stood and shrugged my shoulders.

"Do you really think I want to go out dressed like this? Now get a move on before you find my stiletto boot up your bum! I'm going to get the keys to the garage, meet me outside in 2 minutes!" I span on my heels and tottered off into the hallway, searching for the keys to the garage and my cars.

"Where are you, where are you?" I mumbled as I rummaged through draws and cupboards throwing the contents wildly about as I got more and more desperate for the keys. I sank to my hands and knees trying the bottom cupboard, reaching right inside rummaging about.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my bum. The shock caused me to jar my head upwards - BANG!!

"YYEEOOOWW!!" I yelped, banging my head on the shelf in the cupboard. "Get your hands of my bottom!!" I snapped, backing slowly out of the cupboard “I can't find my keys! This is a disaster I wail"

"Calm down, calm down" Matthew said reassuringly "How far is the factory?"

"It's only at the bottom of the hill!"

"Great! I saw something in the courtyard earlier, it'll be fine for the short journey" I followed Matthew outside.

“You’re looking cute by the way!" I giggled, watching as Matthew turned a shade of bright red. We headed out into the sunshine once more.

"Here we go" he said, pointing to a tandem cycle. I stared in shock.

"Are you insane? In this dress? In these heels? On a push bike? With you??"

RING RING

"Good Afternoon, Lady Tara speaking" I said, picking up my phone

"Is your ladyship on her way yet?" a quite frantic Kate asked.

"Yes, yes, we will be with you shortly we are just arguing about transport!"

"We?" asks Kate

"Yes, I've managed to secure some extra hands, so get ready to roll your sleeves up Kate we have some baking to do, we'll meet you outside!" and with that I hung up the phone.

I marched purposefully across to one of the sheds and came back carrying 2 crash helmets, one is bright pink and clean which I took. I handed Matthew the very grotty dusty looking helmet.

"If I'm getting on a push bike with you I want some proper protection; especially if your car driving is anything to go by!" I pulled the helmet on and, as elegantly as possible, clambered on to the tandem.

Matthew grinned watching me carefully before pulling the helmet onto his head. The grin slowly evaporated from his face and turned into a grimace. I sat watching as through the visor I see gooey egg yolks slowly drip down his face.

"So that’s where my hens have been laying their eggs" I giggled.

Matthew gave me a gooey glare as he clambered grudgingly onto the bike and we - rather wobblingly - set off.

"Oh my god" I gasped as we slowly trundled down the long driveway that lead down the hill and to the factory. "UUNNGGGHHH" I groaned as the bike rattled over the cattle grid. Hastily I removed a hand from the handlebar to ensure I managed to stay within my dress.

"You did that on purpose!" I hissed

We continued on our way, slowly picking up speed as the road meandered downhill; the chimneys and roof of the factory quickly coming into view. Then the rest of the factory, car park, loading bay and stores became visible. Stood outside the stores I could just make out a figure. She waved as we got closer. It was Kate, my long serving Diary Manager. She was dressed in a yellow mini skirt, black silky blouse, yellow suit jacket, black opaque tights and a pair of black stiletto knee boots.

Kate continued to wave, although her smiling face turned to one of surprise as she made out the two odd looking figures on the bike.

"Oh my word!" she gasped.” What on earth!"

"I think you need to start braking!" I shouted as we hurtled closer and closer to the main entrance.

"I'm trying" Matthew shouted back "they don't work!!"

"WWAAIIGGGHHHHHHH!!" I screamed "Kate do something!!!"

Panicking Kate looked at the speeding bike and then at the door of the stores that we were on collision course with. Tottering over she swiftly pulled open the large doors just in time, as the bike with Matthew and me onboard sped past.

CRASH WWUUMMPPHHHH!!

A white cloud plumes up and wafts out of the open door. Kate slowly peered round the corner.

"Oh my!" she gasped looking at the two bottoms wiggling, stuck in the air from the huge mound of flour, the 2 pairs of legs kicking frantically.
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Slapstickman
 
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Joined: 26 May 2006, 21:16
Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:47

Kate dashed over to Lady Tara and pulled her boots. There was another wuummpphhhing sound as her Ladyship was pulled from the mound of flour. Lady Tara was covered from the waist up in thick flour; she coughed and wiped her eyes.

“My god your Ladyship, what are you wearing?” Kate exclaimed as flour dropped off the hapless aristocrat.

“None of your business” Lady Tara snapped “it’s all the rage in Milan”

“Milan whore houses maybe” Kate replied. Lady Tara scowled, she knew Kate well enough to allow for a little banter and she could hardly sack one of her remaining two staff, but she let her know not to push things further and Kate understood. “So, who’s the gay fireman?” she asked.

“He’s my new personal assistant” Lady Tara replied.

“Really?” Kate raised her eyebrows “he’s impressing me already”

“Don’t get too impressed” Tara replied “I suppose we should get him out of there”. My legs were still kicking away.

“Nice legs” Kate giggled “shall we grab one boot each?”

“If I must” Lady Tara sighed; she and Kate grabbed one of my boots each and began to pull. Unfortunately my boots weren’t an exact fit like Lady Tara’s they were somewhat looser. The boots came off and Lady Tara and Kate flew backwards, each clutching the empty footwear.

“Aggghhhhhhhhhh” the two hapless ladies yelled as they careered backwards across the factory. Behind them was a large open vat, filled with olive oil. There was a large gloopy splosh as both of them ended up completely submerged in the gooey oil. Eventually they emerged, their clothes soaked and sticking to their shapely bodies.

“Ewwwww” Kate groaned, her blouse tight against her ample chest, her jacket dripping.

“I don’t believe it” Lady Tara gasped, as her dress stuck even closer to her body. They both slicked back their hair in unison and wiped their eyes.

“Help me” I yelled a muffled yell, still submerged in the flour. Kate and Lady Tara slowly extracted themselves from the thick gloopy oil and gingerly walked back over to me.

This time, they grabbed my ankles but their hands were too slimy from all the olive oil so they couldn’t get a grip, they slipped backwards falling in a heap on top of each other.

“This is ridiculous” Lady Tara spluttered “what do we do now?”

“Grab the top of his shorts?” Kate suggested “you take that side; I’ll take this…if that’s ok with your Ladyship?”

“Well, I imagine there’s a lot of paperwork involved if an employee is suffocated in a mound of flour, so I don’t suppose I have much choice” she frowned. Kate and Lady Tara each grabbed the top of my shorts and began to pull. My body began to move from under the flour….my lower back slowly coming into view and then my shoulder blades, but by this time the olive oil on their hands had begun to seep slightly down the waistband of my shorts; this lubrication, along with the force of Lady Tara and Kate’s strenuous pulling resulted in my shorts giving up the ghost, they quickly and suddenly slipped off, sending the two ladies flying backwards for a second time into the olive oil. Spllluuuuurrrrppppp!

I managed to pull myself out of the flower and stood up dazed before I realised I had lost my shorts. Gasping in shock, I cupped my cock and balls with my hands and walked gingerly over to the vat of olive oil. Kate and Lady Tara emerged from the gloop for a second time, once more covered completely in olive oil. They spluttered and gasped in shock, dripping the gooey oil all over the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked the two plastered ladies, still cupping my bits with both hands. Kate, even though she was still dripping in olive oil, saw the opportunity for mischief.

“Hi, I’m Kate Richmond, pleased to meet you” she held out an olive oil covered hand. I tried to rearrange my hands with mixed success enabling me to cover my bare crotch whilst still shaking her hand as she giggled like a naughty teenager.

“Kate, stop messing about, we have work to do” Lady Tara snapped.

“Where are my shorts?” I asked.

“Oops, I left them in the vat of olive oil” Kate exclaimed.

“You’re joking?” I groaned. But she wasn’t, I could see them floating just below the surface. I bent over the vat of olive oil to pick them out, my exposed bottom in the air.

Kate winked at Lady Tara and just out of my view they lined up behind me. They both raised their hands up at the same time readying to slap me hard on the bare bum.

I just caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye as they moved swiftly towards me. I quickly turned sideways on, causing both women to completely miss my bum. The momentum from the missed slaps caused them to fall forwards and once more they both fell into the huge vat of olive oil, this time face first.

“There was no need for you both to go in and fetch them for me” I grinned as the two of them spluttered and flailed around in the slimy oil. I reached over and grabbed the shorts.


"Uuurrgghhh, oh, oh, oh" I gasped, thrashing around in the vat, my lovely hair matted to my head. "EEuuurrghhh; three times I've been dunked in here!" I fumed.

"You are heading for a world record in the fastest time anyone has been sacked from my employment!" I spluttered as I made my way to the edge of the vat. Kate was half hauling herself out, the shiny oily goo drenching her once pristine yellow suit, her tights and boots glistening.

I grab hold of the back of her jacket and haul her backwards into the oil

"I think you will find I will be getting out first" I snapped as I clambered from the vat dripping in gooey, slippy oil, my thigh boots filled with the horrid slime.

"Yeeuurrckkk!" carefully I bent down and removed my left boot; hobbling over to Matthew I took the gooey oil filled boot and upended it over his head. I then took my right boot off and pulled open the front of his shorts. I tipped the contents inside and cheekily took a glance at his oil covered bits before carefully pulling the boots back on.

By this time Kate had finally hauled herself from the vat and was busy trying to make herself look presentable again.

"Right you two, we have work to do; time is ticking and we have an order to fulfil. This must be done at all costs, so we need to pull out all the stops and ensure there are no more mishaps! Now we need to get these delivery supplies into the factory. I shall take care of this with the fork lift truck over there.

"Erm, why do you get to drive the forklift?" Matthew asked

"It's my factory!" I smiled and with that I tottered over to the forklift "how hard can it be" I murmured as I daintily clambered into the cab and sat down looking at the controls. "Hmmmm, so many levers and buttons" I peered out of the cab window. Balanced on the fork lift was a large tub; written in large letters round the middle of the tub was the words "Cake Mix"

"Matthew" I called out "come and remove the lid from this tub, then I will drive it straight to the cake making machine and load it into position"

Matthew sauntered over, looking a little oily. Expertly he reached up and removed the lid from the tub. The tub was full to the brim with the thick gooey mixture. Matthew headed back to the large factory doors leading into the main workings of the factory and hit the button on the wall. The roll door began to slowly open up and the vastness of the factory and the clunking machinery came into view.

"Right; here I go" I waved triumphantly before jamming my hand down on a lever, the forklift began to go spin round in a circle, “Ooohh, ohh, oh, oh” I gasped, jamming the lever in the opposite position; the truck span in reverse. "AIIggghhh" I wailed. I was becoming dizzy and flustered. I jammed the lever forwards along with another lever and the truck suddenly shot forwards heading straight for Matthew.

"Oh my god!" I yelled "Get out of the way". Matthew stood before me, staring wide eyed in horror.

Not wanting to kill my newest employee, I planted my foot firmly on the brake; the forklift truck lurched to a halt. Matthew continued to stare wide eyed. The lurching of the truck had dislodged the tub of cake mix and with a loud SPLODGE the tub upended itself over Matthew, who found himself buried deep in thick gooey cake mix, all that can be seen are his feet sticking out from below the tub.

I leaned out of the cab with a look of frustration.

"Damnit! wasted stock! Now I'm going to have to go pick another up and start the process again!"

Kate tottered over to Matthew looking a little more concerned

"You've just buried him in cake mix!" she snapped "help me get this tub off him". She bent over and began trying to lift the heavy gooey tub.

"Fine, fine; I suppose I'll have to save the day as usual" I tried a lever on the truck and the forks stretched out. "Aha and lift" I yelled triumphantly raising the forks all without actually looking at where the forks were. Suddenly I heard a loud yelp. I looked up and dangling in front of me, suspended from the raised forks by her skirt, was Kate.

"What are you doing up there!" I shouted "that's not helping at all!" I hit a lever to try and lower the forks but instead, I caused the forklift to spin round again which in turn sent the truck banging into the large tub of cake mix still stuck over Matthew. The tub bounced onto its side and began to roll out of the factory store doors and down the hill.

"Oh No!" I gasped.

"Your Ladyyeeeshipp!! Aaaaiiggghhh " Kate screamed.

"Oh be quiet, I'll get you down in a minute, I just need to catch that tub!" I yanked the levers forward and sped after the rolling tub. Fortunately at the bottom of the hill there’s an old pond which resembled more of a muddy pool following the recent rain. As we get nearer I could see what looked like a person sprawled in the mud, coated in thick gooey cake mix, the tub broken into pieces around him.

"Aha he's fine!" I grinned

"Your Ladyyeeship ....the BRAKES!!" Kate screeched.

"Huh!...." but it was already too late. The forklift ploughed into the mud sending a wave of thick gooey mud over Matthew just at the point that he was lifting his head, he let out a mumble and splattered back down, face first into the mud.

"Hummph that’s annoying; the truck is stuck!" I fumbled with the levers; trying to reverse the truck.

"EEEAAIGGHHHH" SPLAT

I looked up and saw Kate planted face down in the mud.

"Ah...I think I found the down lever" I sniggered. "Oh well, no more lying down on the job you two, I think I'll class this as your tea break. Come on back to work!" and with that I nimbly clambered out of the forklift and onto dry land with not a spot of mud on me. I tottered back up the hill to the factory leaving Matthew and Kate lying in the mud.


Grruuuhhhhhh” I groaned, eventually peeling myself out of the mud. I wiped my eyes and stood up. Mud dripped from every inch of my body. I squelched my way over to Kate, who was lying prostrate in the mud not too far away from me. She slowly lifted her head out of the thick brown gloop and opened her big blue eyes.

“That bloody woman” she spluttered, slowly rising to her feet. Her once yellow suit was now a shade of pale brown and her black blouse was plastered to her large breasts. She slicked back her long, mud splattered hair and sighed.

“How long have you worked for her?” I asked.

“About 4 years” Kate replied flicking mud onto the ground “I should get a long service medal”

“How have you stayed so long?”

“She pays very well. Or rather she does once you find a way to blackmail her, which usually isn’t too difficult thanks to the scrapes she gets herself in and of course my main job is her Diary Manager which sounds grand, but it’s such an easy life, because she doesn’t tend to get invited to too many events”

“Really” I asked “why not?”

“Well, she’s gorgeous and always looks amazing; plus she has a really sardonic sense of humour that I’m sure you’ve encountered, so people always take to her quite quickly. The problem is with repeat invitations. When, as the hostess, you find yourself with your £10,000 designer dress ripped to shreds bent over a table your bare bottom dripping in cream pie and your tits dipped in trifle, your husband’s boxers round his ankles and custard slopping off his exposed cock, you tend not to be too keen to mail off the invitation to the person responsible next time around”

“Fair point” I conceded

“But she’s a real pussy cat when you get to know her well”

“Really?” I gasped incredulously

“No, that was a complete lie” Kate grinned “she’s a total bitch, but who wants to work for Mother Theresa anyway?”

Kate and I walked slowly up the hill back to the factory laughing and joking, leaving a trail of mud in our wake. When we got back to the factory doors, Lady Tara was stood waiting for us, her arms folded.

“This is not singles night at whatever grubby little bars you spend your pitiful free time at, we’re supposed to be working. Do you think this order is going to make itself? Hurry up before you’re chatting each other up on the dole”. Kate and I walked back into the factory.

“What on earth are you doing?” she screamed “you can’t work with food in that state, stand by the door”

Kate and I did as instructed and walked over to the door. Lady Tara picked up a power hose that was hanging from a hook on the factory wall and sprayed it viciously over us. We spluttered and flailed in the harsh cold spray as the mud was blasted from our clothes and bodies. When her Ladyship was satisfied there was no mud left on us, she continued to pummel us for an extra minute or two to teach us a lesson. We were like a pair of drowned rats by the time she had finished with us our clothes sticking to our bodies we dripped water all over.

“That’s quite enough messing around” Lady Tara chastised us “time is running out and we have a lot of desserts to make. Have either of you worked in a cake factory before?”

“No” Kate & I replied in unison.

“Great, so you’ll be as useless at this as you are at everything else” she sighed, exasperated.

“How many people normally work on this production line?” I asked, looking down a very long conveyor belt.

“Quite a few several” Lady Tara answered vaguely.

“18” Kate replied “and there are only 3 of us”

“Well, you’ll just have to work 9 times as hard then won’t you?” her Ladyship returned.

“9 times” I repeated confused

“You’re surely not suggesting I do manual labour” she exclaimed aghast “I see myself as taking more of a managerial role”

“Really?” Kate said

“Yes really, now get to work. Whilst you two were playing in the mud I filled the cake batter vat, so you should be able to start straight away”

“Ok” I sighed “what do we do?”

“Use the thingamajig to fill the things” Lady Tara replied unhelpfully.

“She means” Kate explained “that we stand on the production line and direct those large metal syringe looking instruments that are hanging down over the line to deposit the correct amount of cake batter into the cardboard bases”.

“Ah, ok” I said

“That’s what I meant” Lady Tara snapped “I can’t be expected to explain it in layman’s terms though, I’m Executive Management”

“Let’s get started” Kate said raising her eye brows at her Ladyship’s last comments. “The sooner we start, the sooner we get finished”. She walked over to the production line and pressed a button at the end of the conveyor belt. Plates began to drop into the line and Kate directed the first of the syringe instruments above the plates. Nothing happened. She tried again and still nothing came out. She stopped the conveyor belt as bases were flying past without being filled with batter. The nozzle on the end of the syringe type thing was a couple of inches wide and Kate wiped it clean with a paper towel.

“What are you doing now, you idiots” Lady Tara yelled and stomped over to the line.

“It’s not depositing any batter into the bases” Kate replied. Lady Tara took hold of the instrument and pulled it gently, still nothing happened. She too wiped the nozzle and again there was nothing. Lady Tara was started to get very annoyed and yanked the instrument hard. There was still no response. Frustrated she moved the nozzle to face her and peered up it. Meanwhile, I had noticed a button on the syringe type instrument.

“What does this do?” I asked, pressing the button. We got the answer straightaway, or rather her Ladyship did. The nozzle pumped a huge dollop of thick, sloppy cake batter right into her face.

“WWaaammmppppffff” she spluttered as her face was covered in creamy yellow cake batter mix.

“Oops” Kate giggled quietly as we watched our employer take a face full of batter. I grabbed the offending tool to prevent Lady Tara from getting another splattering, but I didn’t really know how to control it and the nozzle was pointing over her Ladyship’s head when it let out its second splurge. Splat! The batter covered her hair and slopped over her shoulders. She tried to wipe her eyes, her black gloves flicking away the excess goo.

“Do something you brain dead imbeciles” she howled at me and Kate. I grabbed the tool one more time and moved it down, but I only got as far as her Ladyship’s chest by the time it was ready to go again and had to watch helplessly as the third splurge was deposited unceremoniously over her cleavage. She gasped and yelled in shock as her chest was covered in gooey cake batter that dribbled down the exposed front v shape of her dress. Kate eventually managed to get a finger to the button on the syringe, but it was too little too late to save her Ladyship from a thorough sploshing.

“I don’t believe it!” she yelled, her gloves delicately picking large dollops of batter from her chest. “Get here right now”. Kate and I walked slowly over and her Ladyship pulled both the syringe instruments towards her. In a couple of deft movements she pulled open the front of my shorts and stuck one of the nozzles straight down. Moving Kate closer Lady Tara undid the next two buttons on Kate’s blouse and stuck the nozzle from the other instrument down, nestling it in her assistant’s ample cleavage.

She pressed both buttons and smiled an evil smile. But nothing happened.

“This is ridiculous” Lady Tara fumed as my shorts and Kate’s blouse refused to be filled with the sloppy batter. Lady Tara angrily pulled the nozzles out of their temporary homes but, in her annoyance, didn’t notice the nozzles were both now pointing at her. All of a sudden they surged into action and both sprayed the outraged toff in thick yellow batter. She squealed and wailed as she was coated from head to toe. She slipped and slid in the increasingly large pool of batter on the floor as it continued to pump the slop over her, turning round; the back of her head and dress getting an absolute plastering too. Kate and I slowly came to her rescue, but not until Lady was absolutely covered.

“This shouldn’t happen to a lady” she whined, yellow slop dripping off her entire body.
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Slapstickman
 
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Joined: 26 May 2006, 21:16
Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:50

Silence descended on the factory floor. I stood still, arms outstretched the thick gooey cake batter was dripping from every inch of my body. My hair was matted and plastered across my head and face. There was gooey batter oozing down over my dress; I blinked, taking a deep breath and let out an enormous scream, raising my arms in the air in anguish at being covered in the thick goo. The next thing I did wasn't so clever. I stamped my foot in a rage. However as soon as my high heeled boot hit the slippery floor it shot out from under me and suddenly I was staring up at the factory ceiling , flat on my back, flailing helplessly.

Sniggering Kate and Matthew called out in unison.

"Are you ok your Ladyship?"

"What does it look like?" I let out a spluttering screech, trying to push myself up on my arms. They slipped and slid from side to side as I desperately tried to balance before WHHUUMMPPHH I landed face down in the slop on the floor.

More sniggering can be heard.

"Well don't just stand there. Do something! We need to get this order done!!"

"Well your ladyship I don’t think you can work in the factory or "supervise" covered in all that muck" Kate said, sarcastically

"Oh totally; Health and Safety would have a field day " Matthew responded, chuckling

Kate and Matthew looked at each other and smiled, then marching over to me laid on the floor they each grabbed a booted ankle and began to drag me face down backwards through the factory.

"Uh, Oh; what are you imbeciles doing?" I shrieked "Stop, stop this at once!"

"Oh no your ladyship; you said it yourself you can’t work with food covered in goo!"

"NNNooooooo!!" I squealed, desperately clawing at the factory floor as I was dragged backwards by my feet leaving a gooey yellow trail behind me.

"Right on your feet!" Matthew and Kate carefully helped me to stand up.

I looked round a little dazed...."If you 2 dare power wash me there will be tRRROOubbllleaaaaiiiiiiiiiggghhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH!!!" the cold jet blasted into my stomach spraying cold water up and over my body

"PPLLFFGGHH AACCKKKK" I squealed and shrieked flailing my arms desperately to divert the jet but where ever I moved my arms the jet is directed elsewhere.

Before long my dress was recognisable once more as being crimson, albeit very soggy. "Uunnghhh " I gasped and shuddered “I think I'm clean now!"

Mischievously Kate stepped forward with the hose, "Not yet your ladyship; we need to make sure you are thoroughly clean. She jammed the power-hose down the front on my dress.

"OH NO!" I gasped wide-eyed

Matthew flicked the switch and Icy cold water surges through the hose and into my dress before gushing out down my legs as I stood and screamed

"Come on" Kate says to Matthew, "We should get that order finished, I do at least want to get paid. I need a new outfit and a trip to the salon is in order!" she said running her hands through her bedraggled hair.

"What about her ladyship?" Matthew asked

"Oh she'll be fine with the hose, and we'll get more done with her out of the way". They both left me to wrestle with the power-hose as I desperately tried to get to the wall to turn it off, slipping and sliding getting more and more tangled in the hose as I went.

Kate and Matthew returned to the conveyor belt and begin filling pie cases, nice beautiful thick gooey creamy pies were soon rolling along the production line.

After what seemed like an age, I finally managed to turn off the hose. I was soaked through and fuming! I made my way into the factory, the noise of the machinery meant I was soon stood behind my two hapless workers as they were at the finishing stage of the conveyor belt, placing cherries in the centre of the finished pies.

I grabbed the back of their heads, one in each hand. They both let out a gasp of shock.

"Don’t you ever, EVER power-wash me AGAIN" I seethed and on the word again, I pushed them both down face first into the two pies as they rolled along the conveyor belt.

Slowly they both lifted their faces, thick gooey cream covering their features.

"I didn’t say you could lift your faces!"

I grabbed the back of their heads once more and waited for two more fresh pies to roll along then SMUUMMPPPHHH, pushed them face down again. I stood back to admire my work, pleased with myself. I looked at the two of them bent over the belt, face down in the pie. An idea suddenly hit me. In one swift movement I yanked down Matthew’s shorts and Kate's skirt. Taking 2 more pies, I splattered a thick cold creamy pie over Matthew’s exposed bum and smeared a pie over Kate's tights and bum.

"Just remember who you work for!" I snapped.

"Now enough of all this tomfoolery; we only have a couple of hours to get these desserts finished and loaded for delivery, so come along!" and with that I stormed off to the next part of the factory to begin on the next set of desserts.


Yuck” I grimaced as I lifted my face out of the pie and ran my hands down my slop covered bottom. I looked over at Kate; she too had just prized herself out of the pie she’d been pushed into. Her pretty face was dripping filling.

“I don’t believe it” she spluttered, wiping her eyes. She grimaced slightly as she felt the pie soaking through her tights. She slowly removed her boots then peeled her tights carefully down her legs. Kate was wearing a pair of skimpy yellow knickers that matched her skirt and jacket. She had long legs and a pert sexy bum that wiggled as she bent over to pick up her skirt. Kate then pulled her boots back on, binned her messy tights and smiled cheekily at me.

“Oh dear” she giggled “you do seem to lose those shorts on quite a regular basis don’t you? Not that I’m complaining of course, I quite like sticky buns!” I blushed.

“If we’re going to be working together” I replied somewhat pompously on reflection (but I put that down to embarrassment) “I don’t think it’s very professional for you to be staring at my bare bottom”. I bent over and pulled up my leather shorts, pulling them uncomfortably over my pie covered backside.

“You’re right” Kate agreed “it was very unprofessional” she paused. “I’m sorry I think I’ve got pie in my cleavage. She took off her jacket and looked down her blouse; then she started to unbutton it. I thought she was going to stop after the next few buttons, but she carried on until she’d almost completely unbuttoned it. Kate had big, but firm breasts and she was not wearing a bra, so she practically revealed both of them fully to me. There was a slight drop of pie filling on her left boob and she flicked it delicately off with her little finger.

“That’s better” Kate smiled as I faced her, slightly mesmerised; then she scowled at me “where you checking me out?”

“Errrr….n n no way…” I stuttered.

“Good, because it would be very unprofessional to stare at a colleague’s bare breasts” she buttoned her blouse up as though she had been mortally offended. I must have looked guilty and embarrassed as she started laughing “I’m just winding you up, you can be quite pompous and serious for someone wearing a leather mock fireman’s outfit. Come on, we better find out what her Ladyship’s up to before she does any serious damage and we never get out of here”.

We found Lady Tara in a corner of the factory surrounded by 9 large and several smaller tubs.

“Finally” she snapped “come on, I need your help”

“What are you doing?” I asked

“Making trifles” she replied. She’d only actually made one by the time we arrived. “In 3 of these tubs is a mixture of jelly and sponge, in another 3 there’s custard and in the final 3 is fresh whipped cream. You then add a handful of sprinkles from the small blue tub – don’t be too generous with those. I thought I’d better keep you two away from technology for the moment, so we’re doing things old school. She handed Kate and me a ladle each and we were assigned an ingredient each. Lady Tara started with the sponge and jelly, I had the custard and Kate was on cream and sprinkles. We soon got a rhythm going and the trifles were filling up nicely. We put the finished articles, labelled illegally as ‘Organic’, into trays and before long we’d racked up enough to fulfil the order for the banquet.

“At last!” Lady Tara snapped “I’ve never seen such slow work in my life”

“She means ‘well done’” Kate whispered to me conspiratorially.

“Now take them to the holding fridge” her Ladyship ordered. I grabbed a full tray of twelve trifles, but Lady Tara put another tray on top and then another as she bent over to put a fourth on I stopped her.

“Let’s just keep it to 3 shall we? Don’t want any accidents with people being overloaded”

“Good idea” Kate added “we don’t have time to make them again”

“I didn’t realise I had such a weakling on my staff” Lady Tara sneered, but I refused to be baited into carrying more and walked safely over to the holding fridge. When I returned neither Kate nor Lady Tara had made any attempt to move any of the trifles.

“Don’t worry ladies” I said sarcastically “just leave it to me”. I walked back over to the fridge with another 3 trays. When I returned, Lady Tara was holding a ladle full of cream.

“Come here” she said, looking very stern. She opened up the front of my shorts, peered cheekily down and then dumped the ladle of cream into them “you will not be sarcastic with me”.

The cream made contact with my cock and balls, causing me to jump slightly as the shock of the coldness on my bits hit me. I nudged Lady Tara a little as I jumped, but it was enough to knock her off balance, the factory floor not being constructed for stiletto heels. She fell backwards and landed on a large tub marked custard. Luckily for her the tub’s lid was closed, so she just landed with a bump on her bum, sitting on top of the tub. Cold cream dribbled out of the bottom of my shorts, down my thigh.

“You bloody imbecile” she screamed “be careful what you’re doing. I had a lucky escape there!”

As she said ‘lucky escape’ the lid on the tub began to crack. Unsurprisingly, Lady Tara used the cheapest tubs money could buy in her factory and the force of her landing square on top of it, was too much for it to take. There was a slight cracking sound, then it got louder, then Lady Tara started to sink into the huge tub of custard. Slowly at first, then suddenly – flllluuuppppp – her middle disappeared into the yellow slop which oozed slowly over the top of the tub. Eventually my boss’s body from her knees up to the bottom of her chest was submerged in custard. Kate and I could only watch, horrified as she sat fuming in the big gooey tub.

“Kate” she yelled “pick up that tub of cream and dump it over his head”. Lady Tara pointed to the virtually full tub on the table just next to where she was sat in the tube of custard.

“Your Ladyship no, it was an accident, I’m sorry; you dropped the cream into my shorts and….” I protested

“Kate; that’s an order” Lady Tara bawled

“I don’t think that’s a great idea your Ladyship” Kate replied meekly.

“I don’t care what you think” Lady Tara snapped “I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to do as I say”

Kate looked at me apologetically and tried to pick up the large tub of cream. It was clearly too heavy for her to lift up, let alone dump over my head.

“I can’t lift it” she exclaimed.

“You’d better lift it; or I’ll be looking for a new Diary Manager” Lady Tara seethed. Kate tried to lift the tub from the table again. I didn’t like seeing her struggle, but I wasn’t going to help her cover me in thick cream. Eventually she managed to pick it up, but it was too heavy. It fell from her hands and tipped over. With a massive splosh, the entire contents were dumped over the parts of Lady Tara that weren’t submerged in custard. She was obliterated in a torrent of thick whipped cream.

Kate and I looked on in horror as Lady Tara’s entire body was covered in the white slop. Lady Tara was sat in the tub, her legs and arms dangling out of the side. She was so plastered in the thick cream she couldn’t even wipe her eyes clean. She splashed her arms down furiously and frustrated in the tub of custard.

“I am now going to kill you both” she said, unnervingly calm. She slowly lifted herself out of the tub. There was a loud ripping sound. As her Ladyship stood up, Kate and I saw her from behind and looked at each other once again in horror. When it cracked, being made with cheap plastic, the tub lid snapped and splintered and as Lady Tara’s bum fell into the tub; a sharp shard had wedged itself in the back of her dress. When she lifted herself out the piece of tub lid hadn’t moved with her and ripped out a large chunk from the back of her dress. Unfortunately for Lady Tara that chunk was right over her bum. As her Ladyship stood up, she didn’t realise her bare bottom was totally exposed.
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Slapstickman
 
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Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby Slapstickman » 11 Nov 2012, 13:55

"Oh my god! EEUURRGGHHHH!" I staggered around, thick goo dripping from every part of me.

"Why oh why does it always happen to me?” I wailed, "I'm covered in horrid mess again!"

"I hope you didn't damage any of those trifles I spent so long making" I seethed, flapping my arms around furiously sending spatters of cream and custard flying in all directions. Kate and Matthew tried their best to dodge from side to side as globules of thick goo splattered all around them.

"What are you two sniggering at?" I scowled as I slicked back my cream drenched hair. Two handfuls of cream splattered to the floor. I continued to push my hands down over my dress smearing custard and cream onto the floor. I continued the process down my legs and boots removing a fair amount of the mess.

"Are you ok your ladyship?" Kate slowly ventured

"Do I look OK? Is this how I normally spend my days? Hmmmm is it IS IT??!!!"

"Well actually you do quite...." Kate continued before I interrupted her.

"SHHUUSSHH!" - it was perhaps true that on the odd occasion I had found myself in one or two unfortunate messy predicaments....but not like this, not twice in one day and not in 2 of my most favourite outfits! I snapped out of my thought process.

"The order is nearly complete! We need pies, big pies; these are my finest creations, huge giant pies perfect for a huge feast or party. Follow me" I commanded, before elegantly spinning on my heels. I tottered into another part of my factory; unbeknown to me there was a rather large amount of sniggering behind my back as Kate and Matthew followed me, watching my gooey exposed bum wiggling through the rip in my dress.

"So, she’s not wearing even the tiniest thong?" Kate giggled

"Well, can you see it? All her regular clothes are completely ruined; I don’t think she even owns a pair of underwear now! She does have a great arse though" Matthew smiled

"You really shouldn’t be gawping at her bum" giggled Kate “although it is very amusing that she’s walking around the factory like lady muck, unaware her bare arse is on display”

"What was that?" I snapped, spinning round as we reached a huge machine complex with a large sign above saying "Giant Pie machine"

"Erm, erm, nothing" murmured Kate

"We were just wondering whether you’d be letting us watch the full moon tonight" Matthew and Kate sniggered. I just stood and glared.

"You are a very strange man!.......Ok, we need to make 6 of these giant pies, the machinery is all ready to go , the pastry is set and all loaded into the tins, so all we need to do is start the machinery off and we are good to go! Press the red button Matthew and off we go”. Matthew pushed the red button. Nothing. He tried again; nothing. He pushed the button once, twice, three times; still nothing.

"What is wrong with this useless contraption?" I screamed, aiming a kick at the machinery. I totally missed, my booted foot smacking into Matthews shin

"YEEOOWWW" I shrieked

"OOWWW" yelped Matthew as we both hopped about rubbing our respective injuries. Kate stood watching shaking her head.

"It's unplugged!" She said matter of factly. Matthew and I stopped and gazed up, high up in the factory roof amongst a mass of cables a plug was dangling in the air.

"Well don't just stand there, get up and plug it back in!" I snapped

"Me? " Kate asked quizzically

"Yes you!! We are both injured!"

"But, but your ladyship. Oh, never mind" Kate said dejectedly as she took off her jacket, adjusted her skirt, and made her way over to the service ladder which led up to the roof space. We both stood and watched her climb, it didn't take Kate long even in her tight skirt and high heeled boots before she reached the tangle of cables.

"Oh great!" she murmured stepping out onto the gantry which rocked gently as she clambered onto it

"Is that safe?" Matthew asked rather concerned "It doesn’t look safe!"

"Yes, yes of course it is......ahem.....it was approved.....by erm, erm Health and Safety officials only last week!" I cringed as I thought back to the inspection; and to the sight of the poor health and safety inspector clipboard in hand getting deluged in thick custard, his trousers and sensible underpants round his ankles.

Meanwhile Kate had managed to plug the machine in and was busy trying to unravel herself from the cables, before she could climb down the ladder. A loud crash from above soon got my attention as both Matthew and I stared up.

The gantry had given way and Kate had lunged for the mass of cables. She was now tangled and dangling somewhat lower in a mass of cables. It looked as though the cables had somehow got caught in Kate’s blouse as it was pulled up round her chest, revealing some of my Diary Manager’s boobs. Kate gasped and shrieked as she stared down at the thick vat of chocolate beneath her.

"Don’t worry, I'm coming" shouted Matthew as he sprang into life and bounded up the ladder. About half way up he reached over and, using a kitchen knife, began to hack at the cables

"Erm, what are you doing?" squealed Kate

"Cutting you free!" replied Matthew cheerily

”But, but.....not my blouse.........I’ll.....eeeeaaiiiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Matthew watched in horror as Kate plunged downwards into the thick gooey chocolate, he looked at his hand which was clutching her blouse

"Ooopps!" hurriedly he slid down the ladder and dashed to the vat and clambered onto the side to try and help poor Kate. Poor topless Kate was splashing and flailing in the thick brown goo, gasping and spluttering in disbelief

I slowly tottered over, shaking my head, feeling a bit of a draft on my bottom. I span round looking for an open window, with my back to Matthew, I gingerly felt my hands down my back

"OH MY GOD MY DRESS!" I squealed leaping backwards......and crashing into Matthew who was slumped over the edge of the vat.

"UNNGGHH" Matthew let out a startled gasp as knocked off balance; he flailed his arms helplessly before toppling head first into the chocolate vat. There was a ripping sound as his shorts caught against the side of the vat and stayed there, as his exposed bottom disappeared with the rest of him into the vat.

"No, no, no!" I shrieked, "You two are spoiling the sauce that was supposed to go into the pies! I'm going to have to make a fresh batch now!"

I tottered purposefully over to the control panel, one hand clutched across the back of my dress trying to cover my exposed bum up. I scanned the control panel until I saw the button labelled "Filling". I pushed my finger slowly down and the button lit up as it sank back into the panel.

The machinery hummed into life, the chocolate liquid and Kate and Matthew began to swirl round in the vat, the two of them clutched onto each other as they began to spin round and round. Then there was a large sucking noise as some of the sauce was dispensed into a 4 foot pie base.

"I don't like this!" splutters Kate as another sucking noise is heard, followed by loud ripping sounds and suddenly the pair of them disappeared from view. However, left dangling from the vat was a yellow mini skirt, a leather fireman’s jacket and a pair of skimpy knickers and some red braces. I looked up from the control panel to see a pie base slowly moving along the conveyor belt. I continued to stare in disbelief as laid, naked on her back in the pie base covered in thick chocolate was Kate, her legs kicking wildly either side of what I assumed was Matthew. He was covered in so much thick messy goo he was barely recognisable. His face was buried deep in Kate's exposed chocolately chest, his bare, chocolate covered, bum was stuck up in the air.

"Get off of my conveyor belt. You are going to ruin the order you pair of complete imbeciles!" I screamed, furious. Matthew and Kate tried to get up, but they were both so covered in the thick chocolate and there was so little room in the pie crust, they just slipped and slid all over each other’s naked bodies. It was like watching a slapstick version of the karma sutra as the hapless pair groped each other and fell over and onto each other. Boobs, bottoms and bits were everywhere, then came the creamy topping.

Matthew and Kate had managed, somehow, to kneel up in the thick chocolate pie, facing each other. They slowly wiped their eyes, but then came the deluge. A jet of thick cream sloshed over them at some force, slopping over their heads and chests and down their backs. They were annihilated. Covered in thick cream, they fell face down in pie, their bare bums sticking up in the air. The final novelty touch to my big pies is that two regular cream pies are balanced on top. Unfortunately for Kate and Matthew, the sensors on the production line picked up their protruding bottoms and the helpless duo were bare bottom spanked with cold cream pies, I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as their naked buttocks dripped with creamy pie filling.

“How humiliating” I sniggered, as my naked chocolate and cream covered staff trundled down the belt. Then I realised that the belt was heading towards my giant oven.

"Oh god” I panicked “I don’t want to cremate the pair of them; even if they have caused me so much trouble!"

I hit another button on the control panel to divert the pie past the oven and straight into the packaging area. I could only watch and listen as smoke and sparks rose from the machinery in the packaging area, the sounds of screams and shrieks being muffled by squelching and taping noises and then silence.

I tottered hurriedly round the corner and then burst into fits of giggles. Kate and Matthew were wrapped tightly in cling film. It wrapped almost the whole of their naked bodies. Matthew was stood up with Kate straddling him round the waist, the bottoms of her legs were free and they kicked in frustration either side of Matthew. Matthew’s hands conveniently seemed to have been taped clutching Kate’s bare bum. A pink ribbon had been semi wrapped round his head and a sell by date sticker slapped over a hole in the cling film onto his exposed bum.

"Does this mean I can deduct half your wages now as you 2 have become 1?"


Lady Tara chuckled to herself. Possibly at her little joke and probably at the sight of Kate & me absolutely plastered in gooey chocolate pie filling stuck tightly together in cling film. To be honest, it wasn’t the most unpleasant situation to be in; my hands on Kate’s naked bum, her bare chest pressed against mine and her shapely legs wrapped around me. Kate was kicking her legs, to no avail.

“Your Ladyship, any chance you could get us out of here?” I called. Lady Tara just giggled.

“You know, I kind of like things as they are” she smirked “at least now I know where you are and you can’t get up to any more mischief”. Kate and I looked at each other in disbelief.

“You can’t leave us like this!” Kate exclaimed “please your Ladyship, look at us”. She kicked her legs in frustration.

“If you want a job doing properly sometimes you just have to do it yourself. So that’s what I’m going to do” Lady Tara grinned “I might let you out later in the afternoon, if you behave yourselves and keep quiet, but first I really have to get a photograph of this, it’s absolutely priceless”

“No, please your Ladyship” Kate and I begged as our boss reached for her phone and started snapping photographs of us in our predicament.

“Hmmm, I need a better angle” she said, admiring her handiwork. In order to get a better photograph she clambered onto a conveyor belt behind me and steadied her phone.

“I wouldn’t stand on there your Ladyship” Kate warned.

“Really? Well I’ll stand where I like in MY factory and won’t be taking instruction from a jumped up little Diary Manager. I do what I want, whenever I want and you can’t…….” Suddenly there was a loud clicking noise. Then Lady Tara screamed.

“My boots, my boots; they’ve been clamped to the conveyor belt” Kate and I managed to shuffle round 90 degrees so we could both see what was happening and sure enough Lady Tara’s boots had been clamped as she screamed “Help me!”

“Not sure how we’re going to do that” I called over “we’re sort of tied up at the moment”. Lady Tara’s eyes had a look of terror in them as she realised she’d incapacitated the only people who could help her. She tried to bend over to undo her boots, but the clamp firmly clasped the boot zips. There was absolutely nothing she could do, but scream.

The line jolted into action and Lady Tara was transported with it. A mechanical arm came down from above the conveyor production line. It looked like a gun was being pointed at our hapless boss. It was a gun, but there were no bullets; it was filled with maple syrup. We knew it was filled with maple syrup as it began to spray the slimy, sticky goo into Lady Tara’s face.

Her Ladyship screamed as she took a face full of the gooey syrup; it dripped from her pretty features into her cleavage and down her dress. Worse was to come though, as it moved on and began spraying her entire body, soaking her dress, dribbling down her stomach and dripping into her boots.

“Why me?” she shrieked “what have I done to deserve this?” The line started moving again and Lady Tara was transported until she stood under a large tube. On the tube was written “custard”. Lady Tara looked up just at the wrong time and took the deluge of thick, creamy yellow slop straight in the face, as well as all down her body. She wailed as the belt moved forwards again.

Lady Tara bent over one more time, trying again to remove the clamps from her boots. Her bare bottom was exposed through the hole in her dress as she tried in vain to pull the strong clamps apart. Suddenly, two mechanical arms appeared from either side, above the conveyor belt. Lady Tara was too busy concentrating on dismantling the clamps to notice that each of the mechanical arms was holding a large custard and cream pie.

The first Lady Tara knew about this was when the first pie hit her hard on her exposed bottom. She squealed and jolted forwards. The second pie hit her straight after, square in the face. It was a truly comical sight when witnessed from the relatively safety of our cling film cage. Our poor boss’ face and buttocks simultaneously dripped pie. Kate and I could barely contain our laughter as her Ladyship flailed around on the conveyor belt.

“You two will pay for this” Lady Tara yelled “mark my words. You’ll be sorry when I get down from here!” The conveyor belt stopped again, this time under a tube labelled ‘Chocolate Sauce’. The tube promptly dumped gallons of thick, sticky, brown slop over our helpless employer. Poor Lady Tara was thoroughly plastered, her entire body covered in the gooey sauce, her face and hair absolutely covered her pretty features barely distinguishable. The little dress she was wearing was totally slopped and chocolate sauce ran over the top of her filled boots.

“Oh my god” she screamed “this is absolutely preposterous!” Her ordeal was far from over though as the conveyor belt moved on again and stopped under what looked like a thin, extendable, tube. The thin tube dropped down in front of Lady Tara’s face and worked its way into the front of her dress. Lady Tara could barely believe what was happening as the tube began to pump cold dairy ice cream into her cleavage.

“Oh my, oh my!” she gasped “help me oooohhhhhh”. The cold, thick goo oozed down and round her dress covering her nubile body. Lady Tara tried to yank the tube out of her dress but it had got caught in the laces at the front of the dress. Lady Tara yanked at it in desperation and there was a tearing sound as the front of the dress was ripped open to the waist, the tube came loose as Lady Tara’s dress fell round her waist and began to spray her face and chest in thick sloppy cold ice cream. Her bare boobs were soon coated, her erect nipples indicating how cold this latest deluge really was. She tried to cover her breasts, fight off the tube and keep her balance all at once and it was clear that she was not being successful at any of these tasks. Eventually the tube stopped pumping freezing dessert over her and Lady Tara had some brief respite as the conveyor trundled onwards, ice cream dripping from her face, hair and entire upper torso.

Lady Tara’s dress was now feeling the strain as it hung down from her waist and was open over her backside. The conveyor belt stopped again and her ladyship screamed as two pipes appeared from under the belt and began shooting warm vanilla sauce up her skirt.

“Oh oooohhhh” she gasped as the warm gooey liquid shot up her dress over the top of her thighs and splashed over her bare pussy. She squirmed, shook and twisted as the onslaught continued, coating her from the waist down. Eventually her dress could cope with no more. There was a ripping sound and then it fell unceremoniously down to her ankles, leaving the hapless aristocrat completely naked save for her boots and gloves. Lady Tara screamed in frustration at the helpless humiliation she was being subjected to, as the jet of vanilla sauce eventually slowed to a trickle.

Lady Tara was now covered from the waist up in freezing ice cream and from the waist down in warm vanilla sauce. It must have been a strange feeling, but her ladyship had more severe problems as she began to realise the conveyor belt was coming to an end. She screamed and squealed as she saw the production line disappear in front of her. Lady Tara tried for all she was worth to pull herself free, but her boots remained stuck fast to the belt. She screamed as the conveyor belt rolled over at the end of the production line and she found herself hanging upside down still clamped to the belt that was now moving below the production line in the opposite direction back towards Kate and me.

“Aaaaggghhhh” she yelled from the underside of the belt. Kate & I couldn’t help but laugh as it was such a funny sight; her ladyship naked, upside down and dripping in goo. Things, however, were about to get even worse for the luckless lady as all the slop in her boots, combined with gravity seemed to be resulting in her feet coming loose from her boots “not now, please noooooo”.

Lady Tara’s feet slipped from out of her boots and she fell from the belt, leaving her boots still clamped. Below her sat the ‘slops’ bin; a huge wheelie bin that was filled with all the days’ spillages and reject desserts. Normally this would be emptied; but, with her workforce walking out suddenly, it was left and was fuller than usual because - in an act of defiance – her staff had thrown dozens of perfectly good desserts out. There was an almighty sploshing noise as Lady Tara dived naked into the bin. She landed with such force, that a good proportion of the bin’s contents were violently displaced. Kate and I could do nothing as the sloppy displaced desserts were splattered all over us, covering the bits of us not wrapped in cling film. We grimaced and groaned.

Another consequence of Lady Tara’s crash land was that the wheelie bin began to move. Her staff had failed to put the brake on and as her ladyship landed it caused the bin to trundle forwards. Unluckily for Lady Tara, this part of the factory was on a slight gradient and the bin picked up pace. Her Ladyship was groggy, but unharmed and stood up, chest deep in the slop left in the bin. I assumed it was her ladyship anyway; it was difficult to say as she was so plastered, she more closely resembled a large blob of dessert, than a human being.

“Oh my, oh no, no, no, no” she gasped as the bin picked up pace and began to move faster and faster, taking the messy noblewoman with it.

Meanwhile, outside the factory doors unbeknown to us all, local TV news reporter, Sarah Slather, was reporting live.

“I’m outside the Fine Foods Factory here in Sploshingham where 50 staff have walked out this afternoon in a dispute over holidays and other terms and conditions. The Factory owner, Lady Tara and two unidentified companions are believed to be in the factory right now, but several local residents have reported a number of disturbances inside, including screams, yells and what can only be described as ‘sploshing noises’”. The ambitious blonde reported ran her hands through her hair contemplating her next move, when all of the sudden the factory gates were flung open and a large wheelie bin appeared. It shot straight past Sarah and the camera crew, but in the process dislodged a large dollop of dessert which splattered straight into Sarah’s face.

Sarah squealed, as the goo hit her but - despite the laughter from her camera crew - she wiped her eyes and continued to speak; this was live television after all.

“I’m not sure what’s happening, but a large wheeled bin has just rocketed past us and it looks like there was somebody inside. It appears to be heading down the hill, straight for the old pond, which resembles more of a mud bath at the moment”. The anchorman was aghast, but Sarah was instructed by her producer to get to the bottom of this, so whilst the anchorman filled in with some local sports news; Sarah ran after the bin, towards the pond.

The bin careered off the road at the bottom of the hill and hit one of the deep grooves made by the forklift earlier. The bin upended and Lady Tara was thrown out she flew through the air landing face first, spread-eagled in the mud; her bare bottom sticking up in the air. That was the view that greeted the early evening news audience when Sarah Slather put on some wellies and waded over to the prostrate naked woman in the mud.

“Oh my god, it’s Lady Tara. Naked and face down in the mud” she exclaimed “What on earth is happening?” Her Ladyship lifted her head slowly out of the mud and a microphone was shoved in her face.

“Lady Tara, your staff have walked out, strange noises have been coming from your factory all afternoon, and you speed past me, naked in a wheelie bin before landing in a huge pool of sloppy mud. You’re supposed to be a respected local businesswoman and someone people look up to. What on earth is happening? I think many of our viewers will be demanding an explanation tonight and my question to you is - are you going to let me have it?”

Lady Tara slowly prized herself from the mud and stood up, stark naked except for a pair of gloves, she dripped sloppy mud from every inch of her body. She turned to Sarah and smiled sweetly – in her gloved hands a huge dollop of fresh mud.

“Yes Sarah, I’m certainly going to let you have it…………..”

THE END
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Slapstickman
 
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Joined: 26 May 2006, 21:16
Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby ruegger » 11 Nov 2012, 21:19

Excellent story! I hope that you are able to get slapsticklady to help you write a second chapter. Thanks for posting, I hope to see more.
ruegger
 
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Joined: 22 May 2006, 20:47

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby PleasePieMeMistress » 13 Nov 2012, 14:50

Absolutely Flantastic. I too hope to read more about 'Her Ladyship' and her household in the future (especially Kate who sounds delicious)
Sploshy Haiku
Please pie me mistress,
Pour custard over my head,
Then pie me some more.
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PleasePieMeMistress
 
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Location: Wiltshire

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby kneehigh21 » 13 Nov 2012, 18:20

An absolute work of art! Thanks!
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Joined: 10 Jul 2007, 17:51

Re: The Job Interview; A Novella by Slapstickman & Slapstick

Postby JohnTony » 05 Apr 2013, 11:28

I hope that you are able to get slapsticklady to help you write a second chapter. Thanks for posting,
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