Mrs Bouquet on Holiday?...surely not!

[mustbetights]

The night we was Introduced to Splosh, was an odd one. Graham Norton was not our favourite entertainer, in all honesty but tonight as we lay in each others arms, we couldn't be bothered to look for the remote control, to see if 'Top Gear' was on Dave.
Chris placed their hand on Alex's bottom, generally caressing the soft nylon of my tights, a garment Alex loved to relax in on a cold winters night, with a tight, very clingy baselayer top.

Well, you wont find it there

Find what?

The bloody remote.

Chris was in a one piece swimsuit, the favoured garment of their choice. Chris's chin, resting on Alex's head, they closed their eyes.

Graham interrupted:-
Now there's a fetish called 'Splosh' , Here's a magazine, i'll just flick through some of the pages and, well......Oh, my lord! The things you can do with custard.
Both Chris and Alex, immediately awoke and sat upright. Custard on a chat show? The director cut to a scene away from the main studio, to see scantily clad ladies, dressed only in bikinis and another lady in a pvc catsuit. Not sure what was spoken next but one of the ladies in bikinis sat on a very large, sticky chocolate iced cake.

Bloody hell! said Chris
Language, Chris! said Alex, but bloody hell indeed! Both was transfixed by the image they just saw and couldn't look away.

I never liked puddings at school, starting to like them now. Only had mint chocolate custard at school, with a thick skin on top and what the pink ladies called hedgehogs, which were actually, chocolate covered corn flakes, shaped into a semi circle. Thought it was only for making patterns in.
Clearly, they were both turned on at this sight, as both their chosen outfits were glistening with delight.

Alex? How about trying that? said Chris, trying to crush any awkward excitement.
Don't be absurd, Alex retorted with pretend horror, trying to sound like they wasn't turned on, despite the evidence. Where would we get a fudge cake this time of night?! Dismissing the suggestion with humour.
Not another word was mentioned about it, however the passion that night, was as intense as it was the time they first kissed each and lost their virginity together.

Shit me! Alex wake up!

Not now, i'm too sore

Stop pratting about, we've over slept, the taxi will be here in less than an hour.

Sodding hell, you get in the shower, i'll make the bed. Bags and tickets are by the door, only got to sort ourselves out.

Passports?

yes, same place.

This was no time for an attack of OCD. All was checked, several times before settling down last night.

Go on, said Chris, your turn, don't worry about cleaning it afterwards. Alex got the towel and dried off.

Ding Dong, went the doorbell

Taxi's here, said Chris

Good job trackie bottoms and sweatshirt were chosen t night before, on in nano seconds

Trainers? Where's my bloody trainers? Panicked Alex

Down here by the bloody suitcase! Morning Chris, of on your hols again? Replied Trevor the taxi man

Yep Ayia Napa

Where?

Cyprus

Ooh, me and the Missus like staying in the UK, Yep Sussex in good old Blighty, does us very nicely.

Too bloody cold

Ah, we stay indoors, all we need is there.

Alex joins the party

Morning Trevor, how's things?

Morning Alex, good ta. Right have you got it all? I know you two, final checks time, suitcase?

Check, they confirmed in harmony.

Passport?

Check

Money?

Tickets?

Check. This time Chris tapped Alex on the bottom, not sure why, money and tickets was in the hand luggage!

Right, get in you two, be at airport in no time.

Driving under Queensway, Birmingham was still. Brilliant sunlight beamed down on Rotunda, looking smart and cared for, for a change. Alex thumbed up to a guy on a balcony, he just stared back and took another drag on he's cigarette.
There it was, Birmingham's own International Airport, the Midlands gateway to the rest of the world, only stopping at Manchester, to refuel if going south of the equator, Chris and Alex were not.
Two g and t's and a can of lager each onboard, helped induce a quick, snooze on the plane, which meant they were in the hotel room in no time.

Rooms a bit riffy, said Chris

Told you not to go budget, replied Alex, bed sheets are clean.

Looks like the maid didn't get time to clean the bathroom properly

Its only a week, nothings going to spoil this holiday.

Too right,lets make use of being all inclusive, fancy a cocktail?

sex on the beach?

Perhaps later, lets have a drink first.

No.....its a.....don't mater, lets have a drink.

Well midweek in and being tucked out of the way, this hotel was no magnet for fun, going out of season didn't help.

What are you wearing tonight, Alex?

Not sure, I'm feeling naughty tonight, very naughty.

go on, I dare you

to do what?

Tights! You know you want to, with those denim shorts, you look really hot in them shorts.

Can't here, folk will see, its is rather tarty, I like to keep that look for your eyes only.

Go on, put the tan tights on, its dark outside, no one will see, folk will just think you have really smooth legs.

The tingly sensation in Alex's groin meant, it was too good an opportunity to turn down.

Its about time the killer outfit was out of the suitcase and saw some delights of the Greek scenery and it would liven up this place, said Alex, backing up the idea

Chris watched Alex crumple up the tights and slip them up the legs.

Sod it! I'm putting on my swimsuit and a pair of shorts. Jobs a good one.

Sat at the dinner table sipping the first large Keo of the evening, Chris notices a new holiday maker, making her way down the steps.

Look at that women over there, a dead ringer for that one in, oh, what's was it called?

Who?

You know, husband was Richard, brother was Eddie Yates in Corrie, played Onslow.

I don't know.

Yes you do kept singing at the vicar, Boo, something.

Oh, yeah, Boo, boo, buck, bucket, the Bucket woman, I can see it now you've said it.

That's it Mrs Bucket.... Bouquet! I swear its her.

Not in this doss hole surely?!

She came over and sat down at their table, her hat was an impeccable match to her flower dress. She was humming a little ditty. Was she a member of the choral society?!!

Good evening, she said rather tunefully, in a high octave at Alex and Chris and sat down opposite, her ample bossom smacking down on the table making the drinks vibrate, Chris's lemon nearly topples out of the glass.

Flimsy plastic chairs and tables, no wonder they appear so often on You've Been Framed. Whats the food like?

Plain and simple fayre but lots of it. said Chris

Doesn't really matter, I've only a small appetite. Does the waiter come round?

No, said Alex, its self service, i'm Alex by the way and this is Chris.

That's nice for you, dear, where's the menu?

On the table over there, where the food is, said Chris

Oh, just when I got comfy, oh well, needs must.

With that, off she rose out of the chair, and charged over to the buffet table as if a starting martial had shot of he's starting pistol

What do you think her name is? said Chris

Hyacynth?!!

Couldn't be could it? Go on ask her

Shortly afterwards, she ca,e back with two plates. One containing sausages rolls, bit of salad and coleslaw. The other plate consisted of half a trifle, she placed them on the table.

Small appetite ,eh? said Alex

What dear, oh the trifle, I do have a weakness for puddings.

As she sat down, this time without incident, Chris and Alex had pulled the table nearest to them as a precaution. She pulled her chair closer to the table,

Chocolate is my fave of all time but there is none there. Pity that.

The waiter came round to the table, he seemed to take particular interest in Alex tonight.

Any drinks required on this table? he asked

What do you want, said Chris

I'll have a sweet Martini with lemonade and 3 ice cubes, dear, Said Hyacynth.

and your two, continued the waiter

Two large Keos please, said Chris.

Yes that's 2 large Keos and a sweet Martini for Hyacynth, said Alex

Chris kicked Alex under the table. Alex gave out a yelp, as the gaff was realised.

How did you know I'm a Hyacynth, dear?

Er, you mentioned it, earlier?!! said Alex

Did I dear?

Yes you did, dear!

The waiter smiled, clearly Keeping up Appearances had made it this far south.
He placed Hyacynths drink in front of her, came round between Alex and Chris, lowered himself to ear level, placed drinks infront of them and whispered, great legs Alex and as for you, Chris, no one has came down for dinner dressed in a swimsuit before.

Pardon? said Chris

The Speedo label is sticking out above your shorts, very kinky!

Hyacynth dismissed the last part of her first course and headed for her trifle. By this time the cream had melted a little in the eveningheat. She scooped up a massive chunk of the trifle on her spoon, then, just aboput to eat it, she stopped mid flow, she said

Where are you to from?

Just north of Brum, said Chris

Where's Brum?

Birmingham?

Never heard it called that before! and started to chuckle. Not that funny thought Chris and Alex.

With the motion of Hyacynths titters, the trifle gave way to gravity and with a massive splodge, the trifle fell neatly into her cleavage. Chris and Alex stopped in their tracks. She must have noticed? but no, she carried on tittering as if nothing had happened, until she ended up choking and needed help to get her breath back. They looked at each other, inevitably thinking of that tv show with Graham Norton.

You alright girl? asked Alex,

Just need my inhaler from my hand bag, be a dear and get it for me.

Alex obliged.

Come on Chris, lets get our dinner before it all goes.

Right ho

The table was neatly laid out in a dimly lit corner of the patio, next to the pool, just the two of them there.

She must of noticed? said Chris

don't think she has, said Alex

Perhaps she's a whatsit?

a what?

You know Graham Norton

Oh, a Splosher? Hyacynth? Couldn't be?

You must feel it surely?

Only one way to find out

and with that, Alex pulled Chris's shorts and the back of the low cut swimsuit open and plopped in a cocktail sausage and two vol au vents next to the skin, pinging both materials back into place.

What are you doing?!! exclaimed Chris

Well?

mmmm, feels rather nice, give it a whirl Al.

No thanks, i'll take your word for it, Chris

As they leave a large chocolate cake is delivered centrally on the table on a cardboard base, with lots of butter icing, and three layers of it.

Don't tell the Bucket woman, said Chris, There's no more room in her bra!

Behave, said Alex

Walking back to the table the Vol au vents was working its way down to the reinforced gusset of the swimsuit, very nicely. The liquid centre couldn't go down any further, only one way ot could go.
With a heavy sit down, Chris gave out a shriek of delight.

You alright dear? Asked Hyacynth.

oh yes, thanks, Just an old sports injury. Shoots up every now and again.

I suffer the same dear, sciatica

I bet you do!

This was Alex's turn to kick Chris

Stop it. Alex quietly and sternly told Chris

You started it

No I never, she did with the trifle!

Pity there's no chocolate on the menu, have to go into town and get a bar of Fruit and Nut or a finger of fudge or something .

It was their turn to choke on the food as they giggled away.

I thought I had a sausage on my plate said Alex

I think you dropped it somewhere, replied Chris

Can I have it back?

Not at the moment,Alex!

Shame about the pudding, said Hyacynth. Might have to go for seconds.

Don't worry, said Chris, Me and Alex are going up, we'll get you another bowl of trifle.

I'm sure I saw another choco.....

Chris interrupted, another trifle being out on the table. With that carted Alex off to the buffet table.

They both walked up back to the buffet table, the chocolate cake was still centre stage and intact! Chris made a be line for it and gathered it up.

Whats up with you? asked Alex

Its too good for her that cake, she aint having it!

Oh, oh, its no good. Hang on Chris, Keos is starting to work its way through, got to go and now!

With that Alex heads off to the toilets inside the main hotel. After the relief of letting go of a large beer, whilst washing hands, the door opens. Looking up at the mirror, Alex sees Chris hands obscured. Putting chin on shoulder, Chris says,

Not Sploshing tonight?

No, not here, not now

You made me do it , now i'm making you do it!

With that Chris, undoes the button and flies on Alex's denim shorts and they drop to the floor.

What you doing? exclaimed Alex

Returning the favour!

With that Chris slipped the prized chocolate cake into the back of Alex's tights.

Crying out loud! I only gave you a sausage and two vol au vents.

Yes, and you can't find the bloody sausage, that'll teach you!

Not the whole piggin' tray!

With that, footsteps approach the toilet door. With out hesitation, Chris bent down and pulled Alex's shorts back up. Cake sitting nicely, completely hidden and a perfect match for the contours of Alex's bottom. Alex fastened up the button and zipped up the front of the shorts, the tight hem of the legs gripping into the flesh of the thighs, holding everything back, just like the Thames Flood Barrier, perfect. Going back to the buffet table, they collect Hyacynths second helping of trifle and Chris gathers up a few bread sticks. Returning to the table, Alex sits down gingerly but its no good, the butter icing is going to go somewhere. Alex gives out a muffled squeal of delight! Hyacynth looks up

You play sports to, dear?

A little, yes

No pudding for you Alex, dear?

Not for me, thanks. I don't think there is any more room, i'm feeling a little full up!

The evening passes, and Alex is wriggling around, trying to get the chocolate cake to spread rather more evenly in the tights.

Right, said Hyacynth, chocy time. I'm of into town, see you two later.

Bye for now, thanks for your company said Chris and Alex.

Come on you said Chris

What replied Alex

We're going to have some fun in this dismal place tonight

O.k., be sure to stop off at the buffet table on the way past.

Why?

One chocolate cake isn't going to go far between the two of us!

They both get to their feet.

I can't move, said Alex frozen to the spot

Whats up?

The Thames Flood Barrier

Eh?

The floods breached the defences!! Its slipping down my legs!!

What is?

The bloody butter icing!

We'll make a sprint for it!

Having a bloody laff aint you?

Don't worry, i'll get the lift ready, you sprint in.

O.k. give me the thumbs up when its all clear.

Chris does just so, thankfully the lift is soon down and ready. Thumbs up! Alex sprints across the patio, the butter icing now well past Westminster Bridge. There they are in the lift, safety at last! Well, them two and a rather large gent. The lift doors close, their room is only on the 4th floor but tonight it feels like the 12th.

Why is the piggin lift so slow tonight? Exclaimed Alex

Its not, explained the gent, I'm going to the 14th floor and pressed first. You two o.k.?

Yes thanks, said Chris, Just a little issue in the shorts department!

Alex glares at Chris, the gent looks down and sees Alex's reflection in the mirrored wall of the lift, glancing at the chocolate butter icing seeping down past the shorts through down the inside leg of the tights, by now well on the way to Greenwich.

Oh, I see, said the gent, trying not to have too long a lingering look at Alex's predicament. Holiday tummy?! I suffered with that the first time I came here two years ago. You poor thing, use my beach towel, I just got it back from the sun lounger. Here you go, cover yourself up. When nature decides shes going to get rid of something internally, shes going to do it.

Oh, I do hope so! says Chris

The gent wraps the towel around Alex's waist

There you go, no one can see.

For some reason this kind hearted gent, has not cottoned on to the fact that after all this time, in a concealed metal box, the only stench is that of a sweet sticky one!

Thank you sir, said Alex you are very kind

Not at all, return when ready. No worries.

The lift doors close, they are both hysterical with laughter. Returning to their room and locking the door, Alex drops the towel. The Butter icing is now well on the way to Wembley.

This has been a fantastic night, said Chris. a great night.

The best, said Alex, and that bloke thinks I've shat myself!

Pity we couldn't get anything else of the buffet table

We didn't....but I did! said Alex

Alex produces a large glass bowl of strawberry jelly, or was it raspberry? No worries, its not important, slipping the straps off, Chris lowers the front of the swimsuit. Alex duly obliges and tips jelly in the front of the outfit, helping Chris back on with it, wrestling with the now added weight.

I've saved some jelly for the back said Alex

Well don't waste it! and with that turns around as Alex pulls the shorts and swimsuit gently back. Flop goes in the remaining jelly, covering Chris's bottom.

Chris turns back around and lovingly kisses Alex on the lips. Hands start to wonder down towards Alex's the button and zip start to undo, Alex steps out of them, leaving them on the floor. Chris's shorts fall down just moments later, completely involuntarily They both fall onto the bed. Legs intertwined the air is electric, Could this be the honeymoon?

Best Leave a big tip for the maid when we leave, said Chris. These sheets will take some cleaning in the morning!