The Campaign (Part Three)

[Slapstickman]

As promised/threatened, here's part 3. We hope you enjoy this instalment.

The Next morning I was at Sploshingham Hall for 7.30am. Kate called me into the drawing room. She had dropped the van back off without incident the afternoon before leaving a nice wad of cash and an apologetic note in the glove compartment to ensure the matter was taken no further. My jaw dropped to the floor as I saw that she had somehow transformed the old room into a bustling operations centre. There were maps of the constituency, details about the residents – from age to income to social grouping and a couple of young interns collecting paperwork ready to make phone calls canvassing support. It was very impressive. We discussed strategy until Lady Tara emerged resplendent at about 9.30.

“This is more like it” Lady Tara smiled when she saw the work we had done “and so it should be, I pay you two clowns very well. And don’t you think for a moment I've forgotten about yesterday”.

“No your Ladyship” we both replied sheepishly in union.

“So, what can you tell me?”

“You’re very popular with males over 25 who watch the news, particularly local news” Kate reported very professionally.

“That comes as no surprise” Lady Tara nodded “sophisticated, well informed men”

“Who like Mud Wrestling” Kate continued a little less enthusiastically. Lady Tara glared at her, the night at the factory still fresh in her memory.

“Where else have I got support?” she snapped. Kate and I looked at each other desperately.

“Er, well we think you’re great” I smiled weakly

“There’s plenty of time to improve things, my Lady” Kate smiled confidently “We've got all kinds of activities lined up to increase your profile and improve your image. Allow people to get to know the real you”

“Good. These useless plebs wouldn't recognise a decent politician if I hit them in the face. How I rue the day they introduced universal suffrage in this wretched country”

“You see, its comments like that you need to cut down on during the campaign” I advised.

“I've lined up a great photo opportunity this afternoon” Kate interjected as Lady Tara glared at me “you’re going to work a shift at the local Slopcos Supermarket and then give your first speech. It will give you chance to interact with the female vote that will be crucial to winning the seat”

“Katherine” Lady Tara replied “I think I must have misheard as I thought you said I am going to do manual labour”

“You won’t be doing much” Kate reassured her “Matt and I will be with you to do the hard work, you just smile and pretend to stack shelves or something. It will all be carefully stage managed”

“It had better be!” Lady Tara returned, threateningly.


It was 4pm by the time we arrived at Slopcos. We were met by a well dressed woman in her late twenties.

“Hello, I'm Louise Jones; Deputy Manager. Welcome to Slopcos”

“Thank you” Lady Tara said, smiling as sweetly as Kate could persuade her to.

“We’re so happy you've chosen to visit the afternoon shift. The staff are so excited”

“So they should be” her Ladyship replied, before noticing Kate glaring at her “I mean so am I”

“We've got two of our brightest young prospects to show you the ropes this afternoon” Louise continued and ushered in two young staff members. Our faces dropped as we instantly recognised our hosts. “Tracy and Kylie, please welcome our prospective parliamentary candidate, Lady Tara of Sploshingham Hall”

“You've got to be kidding” Kate groaned.

“Carefully stage managed huh?” Lady Tara seethed “I'm leaving”.

“You can’t walk out, it’ll look terrible” Kate whispered.

“I don’t care” Lady Tara replied “Matthew, bring the car round”.

“Everything ok?” Louise asked.

“Yes, fine” Kate smiled as though she didn't have a care in the world.

“Great. Girls, please go and fetch our guests some Slopco uniforms”.

“With pleasure” Kylie sniggered.

Louise said her goodbyes and went to undertake other duties noting first how she was looking forward to an inspirational speech later. We were left alone with Kylie and Tracy.

“Here you go” Kylie smiled unceremoniously tossing Lady Tara, Kate and me a uniform each. We went to our respective changing rooms to get dressed.

I pulled on my uniform; but the hideous looking yellow and white striped shirt was too tight and the trousers were several sizes too big, they just kept falling every time I let go of them and there was no belt provided.

“I think you've given me the wrong size uniform” I said to Kylie as I ventured out of the changing room, feeling ridiculous.

“Sorry, that’s all we have in stock” Tracy smiled sweetly. “You’ll have to manage”

Suddenly the ladies changing room doors burst open and Kate and Lady Tara stood in the doorway. Both Ladies had been given skirts so short, that when they bent over even slightly, the bottom of their pert, toned buttocks were almost visible. Their yellow and white blouses were so tight they had to undo several buttons, revealing ample cleavage. The uniforms were topped off with black thigh high boots and stockings for Lady Tara and yellow knee high boots and white stockings for Kate.

“Just take deep breaths” Kate whispered, trying to calm her Ladyship down.

“Perfect fit” Kylie chuckled, watching the two of them squirm with embarrassment. “Now come on, follow us”. We were led to the dairy section.

"Your first job today" Kylie grinned "is to stack these cream cakes onto the shelves here". Tracy wheeled a huge container in from cold storage. Lady Tara was giving Kate daggers, so Kate and I began to stack them, whilst Lady Tara looked on, angry and bored. I was only able to use one hand, as I was holding my trousers up with the other, but we soon got the job done.

“Your Ladyship” Kate chipped in “why don’t I take a photo of you putting the last cream cake on the shelves?”

“If I have to” Lady Tara sighed grumpily. Kate handed her a cake and her Ladyship posed with it, smiling as best she could. Kate took way too many photos, but eventually she was done. She turned away to see what pictures she’d taken.

Lady Tara was still holding the cake and whilst no-one else was watching, Tracy picked up a banana cream pie from the shelf. Giggling to Kylie, she lifted up the back of Lady Tara’s tiny skirt and slapped her pie with force over her Ladyship’s black lacy knicker clad bottom. Lady Tara jolted forwards, slapping the huge cream cake she was holding into her own face. As Lady Tara spluttered, her face full of dessert, Tracy pressed the empty pie tin into my free hand. As Lady Tara span round furiously on her heels, she saw me holding the empty pie tin.

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I slowly lowered my hands dropping the silver foil plate to the floor, blinking through the thick mess covering my face. I stared at Matthew, he hadn't just done that, had he? Surely he wasn't that stupid? But there he was holding an empty pie tin brazenly in front of me with a ridiculous smile on his face. I am actually going to kill him this time, I thought to myself. Slowly, I raised my newly manicured nails and clawed at thick pie covering my face, inhaling a deep breath as I flung handfuls of creamy goo to the floor. I shuffled slightly on my heels, my senses becoming aware of a cold soggy feeling all over my bum. I paused, momentarily reliving in my mind the fact I had just been pied on my bum causing me to push an even bigger pie into my face.

"M.....M......M......Matthew! Why, I'm going to make you regret that!"

"Your Ladyship ....I.....I....I.....I....didn’t do it........" he stammered

"You are holding the evidence in your hand" I screeched with fury, jabbing my creamy finger at the empty tin. Matthew looked down.

"Oh.....erm.......erm"

Fuming I looked round at the neat display of desserts and then I looked at Matthew. Stepping forwards, I grabbed him by the neck and shoulder

"How very dare you pie my bottom" I hissed in his ear and with that hurled him towards the stacked shelves of desserts

Matthew stared wide eyed, panicking he held out his arms to stop himself crashing into the desserts, this resulted in his poorly fitting trousers taking a plunge downwards

"Uh Oh!" Matthew gasped as his legs struggled against the trousers wrapped round his knees and with an almighty crash he landed on the shelves, time seemed to slow down as he lay sprawled across the wobbling shelves, his face buried in pink strawberry cream dessert. Matthew was groaning the shelves were creaking and then with an almighty whine - which was difficult to tell who it had come from, the shelving or Matthew, they collapsed in a creamy messy heap on the floor.

Kate, Kylie and Tracy all spun round; Kate with genuine shock on her face, Kylie and Tracy trying to hold back their giggles whilst looking shocked at the same time.

"Matt, Matt; are you ok?" Kate gasped tottering over she bent forwards to see if he was ok before swiftly standing up, blushing at the realisation of how ridiculously short her skirt was. "How did this happen? I don’t believe this" Kate looked slightly flustered; she had spent a great deal of time on the preparations for today " and....and why ...your Ladyship have you got pie all over you? You can’t make a speech looking like that; oh, oh, oh!"

"It was all her fault" Tracy said pointing at me. "Yes, yes, I saw her, she's mad I tell ya, you can see it in her eyes!" Kylie quipped

"How dare you!" I snapped "I've warned you two delinquents: just you wait until after the by-election when I'm in charge; you just wait!"

"Your Ladyship" Kate reminded my brusquely "best behaviour". I glared at Kate and breathing deeply I composed myself.

"Ok, Ok. I may have over reacted a little. I suppose a ticking off would have been more appropriate. Matthew I am sorry!" There was a murmur and a groan from the sprawled Matthew. "There; Happy Katherine? He accepts my apology".

"Fine. Let’s see if we can at least salvage the rest of our time here. I'll take you your ladyship to get cleaned up; in the meantime if you girls could take care of this mess and poor Matthew. Please try your best to sort him out. Come on people, let’s move". She clapped her hands and then grabbed me by the arm. We tottered off leaving poor Matthew to be slowly helped to his feet by Kylie and Tracy. He stood looking dazed, pie and gooey desserts dripping all down his front, a heap of mess scattered round his feet.

"We are so going to get the blame for this" Tracy giggled to Kylie "I know, let’s hide all this mess so it doesn't look like anything has happened!"

The two girls looked at Matthew then at each other and grinned. They began scooping all the gooey mess from the floor and piling it into his over-sized trousers. Within a matter of minutes all the ruined pies and cakes from the shelves had been scooped up and placed into the helpless Matthew’s trousers. Tracy quickly disappeared whilst Kylie made the final adjustments. She re-appeared carrying a skipping rope.

"Well, we don’t want them falling down again now do we?" She giggled as she carefully fed the skipping rope through the belt loops of the trousers. Once the girls were satisfied, they both took a side each and hoisted the trousers up round Matthews waist. The effect of the cold messy cream filled trousers being yanked up startled Matthew into life.

"What the? What are you doing? Where's Kate? Her ladyship? Why are my trousers.....EEEUUUUUWWWWWW"

"Shush, shush!" Tracy giggled as she expertly tied the skipping rope tightly with a double knot. "There that will stop those falling down again".

"And I also have these!" Kylie held up some bicycle clips which she fixed to Matthews ankles to ensure the creamy mess couldn’t ooze out.

"Right we just need the mop and bucket to give the floor a quick clean and good as new!" Tracy smiled

"Let’s get him to the bakery and then we can grab the mop bucket on the way back". The 2 girls grabbed an arm each and helped Matt waddle down the aisle towards the bakery section.

Kate and I, meanwhile, had managed to find ourselves back in the staff/store room area.

"Sit down your ladyship and I'll find something to clean you up with"

"I am not sitting down !! i have pie all over my bottom!"

"Oh yes I forgot!" Kate, trying hard not to smirk. "Well, drape yourself over something and get comfortable and I'll see what I can find out here". She disappeared through a doorway leaving me stood in the store room. I looked around for somewhere to lie down, there didn't seem to be anywhere at all and I certainly wasn't going to lie on the floor. Then, over in the corner, I spotted what looked like a big wooden barrel.

"Perfect! I’ll lay that on its side and drape myself over it” I said to myself. “That way Kate can easily clean my bum and face”. Smiling and feeling pleased with myself I tottered over to the barrel heaving it over onto its side "Tara; sometimes you are a genius" I giggled to myself "and soon I will be a genius and an MP." I allowed myself a momentary smile before carefully leaning forwards and pressing myself onto the barrel. With a gentle push, I jumped forwards, the barrel rocked as my body spread itself in an arc over the top half. "Excellent!" I grinned “That will do nicely”.

Moments later the door to the staff area opened and I could hear footsteps enter the room.

"Ah Kate, what took you so long? Come on and clean me up; I have some dreary peasants to win over!"

"Is that so?" the voice replied

"You’re not Kate!"

"No, I am a dreary delinquent peasant amongst other things you keep calling me!"

"Where's Kate" I snapped, trying to move but realising I was stuck in a somewhat compromising position.

"It looks like I have you over a barrel your ladyship" Tracy chuckled "I think you need to wash your mouth out" and with that she pushed a mop and bucket in front of me.

"Oh No! Don’t you dare!"

Before I could utter another word, she dipped the mop into the thankfully fresh water and began slapping the soggy rag across my face.

"EEUURGGNN AACKKKK PPLLFGGHHH!"

"Much better" she giggled dipping the mop in the bucket once more, "now, let’s clean that bottom of yours!"

Gasping and spluttering to catch my breath, my face drenched I stared at the mop bucket in front of my face as I felt the cold wet slap of the mop across my bum.

"You little she-devil" I squealed "Just you wait!" Tracy continued slapping the mop across my bum and then she planted to mop firmly on my bum and began to push

"Uh oh nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo" I screamed as I began to slide forwards, kicking my legs furiously but to no avail. She continued pushing until gravity took over. I slid forwards off the barrel planting my head into the mop bucket; the momentum caused the rest of my body and legs to follow me over, sending me head over heels. I landed on my bottom, the mop bucket on my head, the cold watery contents flooding down over me!

"Oh, oh, oh, oh" I sat gasping with fury pounding my fists and feet on the floor in a petulant rage the sound of Tracy sniggering as she left me.

Moments later Kate walked back into the room.

"Oh your Ladyship what on earth have you been doing now?"

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"Katherine, I'm holding you personally responsible for this” Lady Tara spluttered, soaked to the skin. Her blouse was stuck to her chest and her drenched knickers felt damp and cold against her bottom. “We’re leaving now” she continued “let’s get out of these horrid garments, get our clothes and leave the great unwashed to their miserable manual labour. I can always bribe them with cheap booze, cigarettes and Sky Television nearer the election: I just want to get out of this hell hole”.

“But your ladyship” Kate began

“Don’t ‘but your Ladyship’ me; you promised me this visit would be stage managed, well who stage managed it; Laurel and Hardy? You better smooth this over with the Manager to make me look good and then get me out of here. I’m getting changed”.

Lady Tara walked over to the locker where Kate had stored her carefully folded clothes and opened it with the key she’d been given. As the door opened, she yelled in frustration. It was empty, except for a note. Lady Tara read the note aloud.

“'Oops! Your clothes seem to have vanished. What a shame. Lots of Love, the Criminals'. Oh I don’t believe it” Lady Tara squealed “this is intolerable”. Kate, now in a panic, opened her locker and it too was empty. The note inside read ‘yours too x”.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Lady Tara wailed “I’m soaked, I’m cold, I've been humiliated and now I have to interview for a new Diary Manager after I sack you for gross incompetence. I suppose I’ll have to get us out of this mess” She turned to Kate “I'm going to need your uniform”

“But your Ladyship” Kate protested “I don’t have any other clothes”

“That’s not my problem is it?” Lady Tara replied “If you’d done your job properly we wouldn't be in this predicament. So get your clothes off, now”

Kate reluctantly started to unbutton her blouse and unzip her skirt. She passed Lady Tara her blouse and then slipped uncomfortably out of her tight, short, skirt. Her Ladyship ripped off her wet blouse and soaking skirt, making them un-wearable; she threw them bad-temperedly to the floor. She carefully removed her drenched underwear and pulled Kate’s uniform over her bare body. Poor Kate was left standing in just her boots, stockings and a matching lemon bra and thong that showed off her firm 36D breasts and trim but vivacious figure.

“What are you going to do?” Kate asked, covering herself with her hands.

“I'm going to dole out some much deserved rough justice to those chav girl criminals, recover our clothes, find that bumbling idiot Matthew and get us out of here. I won’t be long” Lady Tara marched purposefully out of the staff changing room and back into the Supermarket, leaving Kate no choice but to wait for her return.

“I’ll just stay here on my own in my bra and pants then shall I?” Kate mumbled bitterly to herself.

Her Ladyship tugged at Kate’s skirt as she made her way across the shop floor. She was even more conscious of its short length now she didn’t have any underwear on. She didn’t make it very far across the supermarket when she was stopped by a woman with a small boy.

“Excuse me” The Lady asked politely “could you tell me where I can find the custard please?”

“Do I look like I work in a dump like this, you ignorant woman” Lady Tara snapped, angry that her mission was being interrupted for such a trivial matter.

“Well, you’re wearing the Uniform, so that would have to be a yes, you rude and arrogant trollop” the woman haughtily replied.

“I beg your pardon” Lady Tara gasped, angrily. The woman repeated

“You’re an arrogant, rude, slutty trollop”. Lady Tara turned crimson with anger.

The small boy, meanwhile, was thoroughly bored with this shopping trip. A few minutes ago, whilst his Mother had been preoccupied with her search for custard, he’d found a squeezy bottle of mayonnaise on a shelf and had managed to both remove the protective cover and put the top back on. He’d already tested his new weapon on the floor, but was ready to find a more amusing target. The angry woman in the short skirt shouting at his Mummy seemed a better option than most. He squeezed the bottle as hard as he could and a jet of cold, thick mayonnaise sprayed upwards, splattering into Lady Tara’s cleavage.

“What on earth!” Lady Tara exclaimed as she felt the gooey mayo run down her blouse and over her boobs “why, you little monster” she raged, lurching forwards to grab the bottle and maybe ‘accidentally’ catch the boy with a swift, covert clip round the ear too. She didn't notice, however, the mayonnaise he had already deposited on the floor. Lady Tara’s boot slid on the slippery mess and the hapless aristocrat fell spectacularly backwards, landing with a squelch in the woman’s shopping trolley. Her Ladyship lay flat on her back on top of the collected groceries, her head at the far side of the trolley, her bum at the front and her legs dangling over the top. Beneath her, she could feel the woman’s groceries – a chocolate gateau, potato salad and some (now squashed) fresh tomatoes – soak through the back of her blouse and skirt.

“That’s my shopping, you clumsy tart!” the woman yelled.

“Your shopping will be the least of your worries when I get out of here” Lady Tara hissed, threateningly.

“I don’t think so” The woman replied, grabbing the bottle of mayo from her son. She squeezed the bottle over Lady Tara’s head, covering her hair in a thick dollop of gooey mayonnaise. “I think you’ll be leaving now” the woman grinned and pushed the trolley as hard as she could, sending it – and Lady Tara – hurtling down the supermarket aisles.

“Hellpppp” Lady Tara screamed, hanging onto her skirt as she kicked her legs wildly. Shoppers ran for cover as the trolley seemed to gather momentum the further it travelled.

Slopco; like most big, modern, supermarkets had a café specialising in cheap meals for less than discerning customers. Lady Tara squealed as her trolley careered down a final aisle, straight through the checkout and crashed through double doors leading to the café kitchen.

“Aaaaagggghhhhhh” she yelled as the trolley skidded, turning 180 degrees before landing with a crash against a full work surface.

“Well, that could have been worse” she groaned groggily lifting her head up. Unfortunately for Lady Tara it appeared she had spoken too soon. Above her head, a huge vat of cold baked beans ready for the evening’s ‘special’ had been wobbling since the trolley’s impact with the work surface. It now gave up the ghost and tipped right over, dumping 2 gallons of slimy baked beans over the accident prone aristocrat. The sloppy goo engulfed her entire upper torso – head to waist, covering her completely. As the kitchen staff turned round to see what had happened, they gasped and giggled as poor Lady Tara had turned into a human baked bean mountain, beans slid off her hair and ran down her face over and down her blouse, soaking her chest and stomach, sticking the cheap material to her skin.


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"Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh , Oh MY GOD!"

I sat sprawled in the trolley in a state of utter disbelief rage slowly beginning to boil as my eyes began to focus. Through the bleary bean juice covered I slowly glanced down to see if it was as bad as I feared.

"EEEEuuuuuWWWW!" I let out a groan. Thick gloopy beans covered my head, my face, my body, my blouse was soaked in the horrid juice; in fact beans were everywhere. I needed to get out of this stupid trolley now. Lifting a hand I slowly wiped my eyes and slicked back my hair, looking up at the smiling, grinning faces of the kitchen staff.

"Well, would one of you kind gentlemen care to help a lady out of her predicament!" I asked in my most authoritative voice.

"Oh, we'll help you out love" one of the kitchen staff replied "come on lads, let’s get this trolley out of the kitchen!"

"No, No, I meant help me out of the trolley"

"Sorry can’t do that love; health and safety"

"WHAT? How on earth does that breach health and safety?"

"Well, if you would like to attend our seminar held, bi-monthly, on the 3rd Thursday then I would be glad to inform you"

"How is leaving me in here not a breach of health and safety?” I stammered. Two kitchen hands approached the trolley and slowly eased it away from the work surface, straightening it up until I faced the same way I had just come from.

"I will have this place shut down under health and safety once I’m elected" I screeched.

"I don’t think there is any chance of that now, do you?" replied the kitchen porter, "now please keep your noise down; there are people shopping out there. OK lads send her on her way". I stared wide eyed as the trolley was given another almighty shove forwards. "Oh no, not again!" I squealed as I hurtled out of the kitchen area back into the supermarket aisles.

Part 4 will be posted next week......................