The Campaign (Part One)

[Slapstickman]

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while, but Slapsticklady and I have been working for quite some time on the sequel to "The Job Interview". This new story is the longest story I've ever (co)written and possibly the longest WAM story ever written. We're still writing and we expect to top 200 pages soon. And guess what? We're going to serialise the whole lot for you good people here on the Splosh Forum. Fans of wamstoryarchive might recognise the first couple of parts, but this story is a monster. If you like it, or have any comments, please get in touch or comment below and let us know. It will be a great boost for us as we head towards the finale. However, let's go back to the beginning. It's written by two different protagonists again, like the Job Interview. Here's the first Chapter of 'The Campaign'. Slapsticklady & I really hope you enjoy it.


I sat staring at the morning papers whilst sipping a cup of coffee. I casually flicked through the headlines until I came to the business news.

"Hmmphh" I sighed as I read the nominees for businesswoman of the year: I had been over looked again. "Absolutely ridiculous, what a group of pompous stuck up frauds" I snapped to myself. I sat thinking about all the wonderful things I had done over the course of the year. The huge profits I had earned, the businesses I had setup, the take overs I had negotiated. I had pretty much single handed put Sploshingham on the map and how do the ungrateful stuck up parishioners reward me? With nothing - again!

Maybe it was the factory incident, I thought to myself, shuddering as the events of that terrible day flashed through my mind. I squirmed in my chair as each of the sloppy messy humiliations went through my head.

"Urrgghh! Stop it! Stop it!" I squealed; rubbing my eyes to rid the thoughts from my head. I sipped more coffee as I picked up the final paper. It was the local Sploshingham Rag and a familiar face was on the front cover again. "Sarah Slather!” I exclaimed almost spitting out my coffee in disgust “she is everywhere". If I'd thought about that statement I clearly would have had to admit that it was because she was the face of local news "What has she been poking her nose into now?"

I casually glanced at the article, but my interest was piqued and I began to read it more carefully. One of the local MP's had sadly had to step down from his position as he'd been caught fiddling his expenses. Sploshingham was therefore on the lookout for a new Member of Parliament. The by-election would be held in just over a month’s time and any parties interested in becoming a candidate should lodge their intentions with the local mayor by noon today. Campaigning will then take place over the next 4 weeks and polling day will be the first Thursday of next month.

"Noon today! That doesn’t give me much time. Oh, I am so going to become a member of parliament". I beamed as I uttered the words "one does feel that one could give a dedicated service to one’s constituents" I said proudly in my poshest voice. “Oh yes, this will be perfect! Then it’s goodbye to boring old Sploshingham.....hello to the bright lights and big shopping of London!!" I looked up at the giant kitchen clock; it read 10:30 am.

"I'm going to have to get my skates on. I think I will need some help with this". Still in my dressing gown, I got up from the table and marched out of the back door across the courtyard to a gleaming new glass and steel building. Inside, beavering away at computers sat 2 figures.

"Good morning workers!" I announced as I breezed into the office "Stop what you are doing, you have a high priority job to do!"

Matt and Kate both turned and looked up from the piles of paperwork surrounding their desks.

"Come on, come on! Look lively"

"What on earth is going on your ladyship?" Kate asked.

"I am going to be a Member of Parliament" I announced proudly.

Both Matt and Kate burst into fits of laughter, the laughter continued for some time until they both realised, by my stern demeanour and the glare I fixed upon the pair of them, that I was deadly serious.

"Y...y....y....you are serious?" Matt asked holding back another chuckle.

"Yes I am. I think I would be perfect. I wouldn't expect the likes of you two to understand, but some of us are born to lead, to be a shining light, to be a pillar of the local community!"

"But don't the applications have to be in by now?" Kate enquired, still smirking.

"Noon today, so we don't have any time to spare. Here are your orders! Matthew print off an application form and fill it in then bring a car round the front and wait for Kate and me"

"Oh and Matthew; tuck your shirt in. We are going to go see the Lord Mayor!" I tutted.

"Kate, you are on wardrobe duty, pick me out an outfit that is suitable to greet the Lord Mayor!"

"Right everyone lets go, go, go, go; we have 15 minutes before we must leave!!"

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As Kate rushed off to grab suitable attire for meeting with the Lord Mayor I thought I should try and talk some sense into Lady Tara.

"Are you sure this is a good idea your Ladyship?" I asked.

"Of course I'm sure" she snapped.

"It's just well.....do you actually have any policies?"

"Policies?" she asked.

"Yes, what do you stand for? What's your platform?"

"I have lots of platforms" she snapped "Don't be impertinent"

"Well what would you do if you were elected then?" I asked.

"I'd abolish Council Tax for country Manor houses, remove VAT from cakes and desserts made in the UK, ensure there were automatic prison sentences for anyone who pies or gunges a member of the aristocracy" Lady Tara stated.

"Wow!" I replied "Those are just the kind of policies ordinary people are crying out for right now".

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Matthew" Her Ladyship snapped. "Don't worry I'll throw the plebs a few bones too. Anyway Dimbleby, you don't have time to debate with me. You need to fill in my application form or you'll be another Unemployment statistic"

"You do realise Sarah Slather will be covering the election, don't you?" I confirmed "so you're going to get a hard time from the media"

"I told you never to mention that woman's name again" Lady Tara hissed "anyway I'm not afraid of her. Where is Katherine with my dress? Form Matthew! Finish my form!!"

I started work on the form as Kate reappeared with her Ladyship's outfit.

"About time" she snapped, snatching the dress from her Diary Manager. "I want that form finished by the time I'm dressed" she ordered me and stormed out of the room.

“Let me guess" Kate sighed "you tried to talk her out of running".

"It's going to end badly" I said to Kate.

"Of course it is! But you know what she's like, there's no reasoning with her. Come on, I'll help you with that form". Kate & I had completed the form by the time her Ladyship returned.

"How do I look?" Lady Tara asked. She was wearing a black leather skirt suit; the perfectly tailored jacket matching the short skirt. Underneath the jacket she wore a white blouse with the top couple of buttons open revealing plenty of cleavage and the outfit was finished off with stockings and patent leather thigh high boots.

"Wow!" I gasped.

"Do you need a hand there?" Kate asked

"Eh?" I replied

"Picking your jaw off the floor" she smiled. I turned a shade of crimson.

"Is my form completed?" Lady Tara asked.

"Yes, your Ladyship"

"About time" she gave the form a cursory glance and handed it back to me "make sure nothing happens to that"

"Of course not your Ladyship" I said reassuringly

"Right then, let’s get this over to that old duffer, I mean his grace, the Lord Mayor before he goes for his afternoon nap. Bring the car round Kate".

It was a frustratingly long drive to the Lord Mayor's chambers in the middle of Sploshingham, but we arrived with half an hour to spare. We walked into the reception and smiled at a somewhat stony faced receptionist.

"I have an application to run for Parliament" Lady Tara proudly announced. "Where is the Lord Mayor?"

"He's supervising the painting of the Council Recreation Rooms" the Receptionist replied.

"How charming" Lady Tara replied "Well, I'll just leave this application with you then"

"I don't think so" the receptionist replied. "It's more than my jobsworth. Applications must be handed into the Lord Mayor himself"

"That's ridiculous" Lady Tara snapped "do you know who I am?"

"Yes madam" the receptionist smirked "I saw you on TV in all the mud". Lady Tara looked like she might explode.

"You snotty little......."

"How far away is the Lord Mayor" Kate asked, cutting her Ladyship off.

"About 40 minutes away" the receptionist grinned. Kate looked up at the clock on the wall; it read 11.35.

"We need to go!" she exclaimed.

"I'll grab the car" I said & dashed out of the office.

"Just one more thing before I go" Lady Tara said

"What's that?" The receptionist asked.

"This" Lady Tara picked up a jug of iced water from the receptionist's desk and slowly poured it over the receptionist's head. The snooty administrator gasped as the cold water splashed over her hair and ran down her face & then down her blouse. She was soaked, her clothes stuck to her skin. Lady Tara & Kate heard the car screech to a halt outside. "Let's go".


*******************************************************************************************

Spinning on my heels I strode purposefully out of the reception area, Kate following with a look of shock etched on her face, the poor reception sat gasping and spluttering behind her desk. Her hair and face soaked in freezing water, her soaked blouse transparent and stuck to her chest.

"Your ladyship!” Kate chastised me “you really should not have done that!"

"She had it coming to her; how dare she refer to that mud incident!" I shuddered at the mere mention of the word.

Kate and I hurried down the steps to the waiting car. Within seconds we were inside and Matthew was fighting his way through the traffic, beeping his horn and forcing his way through the centre of Sploshingham. The Bright green dashboard display clock ticked down every passing minute.

"Don't you have a siren or something?" I snapped at Matthew. "Don't they know who I am?" Matthew and Kate look at each other giving a gentle shake of the head.

"I don’t think we’re going to make it your ladyship" Kate somewhat timidly offered.

“Don’t be ridiculous Katherine; I can see the recreation rooms from here; they are just over there" I said, pointing out of the window.

"Yes, but unfortunately your ladyship when they constructed the road system they built what is called a ring road and we’re legally obliged to follow it" Matthew offered, somewhat unhelpfully

"Well that is just ridiculous; there should be a straight road from the Mayor’s office to the recreation rooms; in fact that will be one of my policies. I shall bulldoze that tatty building we have just driven round and build a gleaming new road for the aristocracy to use."

"Err, your ladyship; that ‘tatty’ building is the public library. I don't think that policy will prove too popular" Matthew replied, as Kate sat shaking her head.

"A Library! Now you are just being silly Matthew, how many of these peasant folk can actually read?" I scoffed, staring at the recreation rooms. "Matthew turn left!"

"But your ladyship....there is no road to our left, that's just an old farm track!"

"Just drive Matthew, I don’t pay you to think; if we go up there, at the top is the golf course adjoining to the recreation rooms, let’s call it a short cut!"

"I really don’t think this is a good idea....." Kate began to say.

"Shush! Katherine, I will not hear any more of your whining, Matthew DRIVE!"

Shaking his head Matthew performed a sharp left turn cutting across a lane of traffic much to the annoyance of the other road users. The car roared up the muddy bumpy track splashing through puddles as Matthew wrestled with the steering to keep the car under control.

"See I told you this would be quicker!" I said. However, with about 50 yards to go to the fence leading to the golf course the car got bogged down in a thick, slippery muddy part of the track.

"Why have you stopped Matthew?"

"It appears we’re stuck my lady" came Matthew’s reply

"Stuck? But we are only 50 yards from the fence; drive on! We’re nearly there". Kate turned round and stared at me, "Your ladyship the car is stuck, Matthew can’t drive the vehicle any further forwards. We will have to call someone to tow us out!" she said, matter-of-factly.

"Don't take that tone with me young lady; we have no time to be towed. We will just have to walk the rest of the way". With that, I opened my door to be greeted by the sight of thick soft brown mud surrounding the car. "Oh Matthew, I do believe I will be requiring a lift".

"You must be kidding" Matthew groaned "you cannot serious" Kate and Matthew both turned their heads to stare at me.

"I want to get that application form to the Mayor and, seeing as you two work for me and it is currently a working day, and your contracts say you will do as I require. I think we can all see where I’m going with this. I require you to take me to the Mayor"

Matthew opened his door and groaned as he looked out at the mud. He rolled his trouser legs up to the knees and gingerly stepped out into the gloopy slop.

"Oh this is just ridiculous" he groaned.

On the other side of the car, I heard more groans and squeals as Kate gingerly opened her door and immediately groaned as she sank her pristine red patent heels into the soft mud, holding onto the car for balance she awkwardly tottered round to the same side as Matthew and me.

"Right bring your back here Matthew" I commanded. I carefully stood up on the side of the car, hitching my skirt up a little as Matthew backed into position. Kate looked on in disbelief.

"1,2,3" I called and leapt forward onto Matthew’s back, wrapping my arms round his neck as he grabbed my legs to secure me. "Right on we go! Mush!" I commanded. "We have no time to lose!"

And with that Matthew and Kate began to make their way towards the fence leading to the golf course.


*****************************************************************************************************

With her Ladyship on my back (literally, as well as metaphorically) I sank further into the mud; the thick yet sloppy gloop touching the bottom of my rolled up trousers. Kate led the way, the mud rising up to the bottom of her sexy toned thighs, her boots filling with cold mud that caused her to wince as she waded slowly through the mire. I followed her, Lady Tara’s legs wrapped round my waist and her arms round my neck.

“Can’t you go any faster?” she snapped in my ear “we’re running out of time”

“I’m going as fast as I can your Ladyship” I replied “I’m up to my knees in mud”

“You’ll be up to your neck in trouble if I miss this deadline, do you hear?”

“Yes my Lady” I replied.

We reached the end of the muddy road and I slowly turned round, allowing Lady Tara to prize herself gently from my back onto the safety of the gate that separated the quagmire of the road from the pristine greens of the golf course. Kate and I looked up from our position entrenched in the sloppy mud.

Instead of being grateful for our help, Lady Tara had noticed her right boot had been slightly splashed with mud.

“Look at this” she screamed, pointing at the tiny muddy splashes. “Do you know how much these boots cost? Why must I always be surrounded by fools and incompetents” she wailed. “I’ll deal with you two later”. She climbed higher up the fence, the Council Recreation Rooms firmly in her sights, when suddenly a shout came from the golf course.

“Watch out”

Lady Tara turned round, only to see a golf ball heading straight for her, as an unfortunate golfer had just sliced his shot. She had few options and little time. Without thinking of where she’d land, Lady Tara hurled herself off the fence and not a moment too soon as the golf ball whistled past her head.

Kate and I could only watch as our employer flew through the air over our heads. We turned round in time to see the hapless aristocrat land with a huge ‘splosh’ face first in the sloppy mud. Kate and I, unable to move quickly enough, were splattered with the displaced brown gunk. Mud dripped down Kate’s pretty face and plentiful cleavage. I slowly wiped my eyes.

Lady Tara though, was almost entirely submerged in the swampy slop. Her Leather skirt clad bottom almost the only body part not to be covered. Kate and I quickly pulled her to safety, but her Ladyship was still not grateful. Her entire body dripped with sloppy, cold mud, she sat on the fence and wiped her eyes then scooped a handful of brown goo from her cleavage. She spluttered and gasped in shock as mud oozed out of the top of her boots. The golfer responsible for the shot had rushed over.

“Oh goodness!” he exclaimed “are you ok?”

“Do I look OK?” Lady Tara fumed, plastered as she was head to foot in mud. He opened the gate inwards to the golf course.

“I’m so sorry” he apologised profusely walking over to Lady Tara as I pulled myself out of the mud, helping Kate up too. We stood at the edge of the golf course. “Is there anything I can do?” the golfer, a handsome man in his late thirties asked.

“Yes” Lady Tara replied “just stand right here” she pointed to the piece of ground right next to her. The golfer, although a little bemused, did as she asked. Before anyone could react, Lady Tara reached for the man’s trousers and pulled them – along with this underwear – down round his knees. The golfer yelled as his bare bum and crotch were exposed. He bent down to pick up his trousers, but that only left his naked arse sticking out in the air. Lady Tara slapped his bum with considerable force, sending the luckless sportsman face first into the mud himself; his bare buttocks sticking up in the air.

“When I’m elected to Parliament, I’m going to bulldoze this golf course” she yelled at him. “Matthew, where’s my application form?”

“Surely you’re not going to hand it in now, like this?” I asked.

“Yes, I am. I don’t give up that easily” she snatched the application form from my hand and tottered across the golf course, towards the Recreation rooms at some speed, leaving the golfers friends to scoop him from the mud. Kate and I, not knowing what else to do, gave chase.


****************************************************************************************************************

"This is ridiculous!" Kate gasped as she gave chase awkwardly. "We've got to either stop her or at least get her cleaned up. We can't let her go in there looking like that."

"We can’t?" Matthew replied smiling.

"No we cannot, come on we need to catch her up, how on earth does she move so fast in those heels?"

"Quick over here" Matthew shouted, pointing to what looked like an abandoned golf buggy. Kate and Matthew hurried over and clambered aboard. "Hey why are you driving?

"I'm pulling rank" Kate smiled "and I've always wanted to do have a go in one of these!!"

Kate planted her muddied red boot onto the pedal. The anticipated wheel spinning and tyre smoking failed to materialise and Kate and Matthew slowly turned to each other as the buggy began to trundle forwards.

"They don't go very fast, do they?" Kate said rather disappointingly. Matthew shook his head and pointed up ahead

A man appeared from behind the bush where he’d been searching for his golf ball. He looked round and scratched his head in puzzlement. Then he saw his golf cart heading into the distance.

"Oh No!” He exclaimed "which fool’s taken that? I haven't fixed the brakes yet".


I stopped to catch my breath. Breathing deeply, I looked up ahead, towards the recreation buildings. Flicking back my hair, I began to totter onwards, becoming more and more aware of a feint whirring noise getting closer and closer.

"What on earth is that noise?" I slowly turned round, my eyes bulged wide.

"Out of the way your ladyship" screeched Kate. "The brakes don’t work". I stared at the 2 horrified faces heading towards me in the buggy.

"Oh my" I screamed unable to move; the next thing I know, my face is pressed up against the windscreen of the buggy, holding on tightly, staring at Kate and Matthew who both looked equally as shocked.

"Do something Katherine!" I shrieked

"I'm trying your ladyship but the brakes do not work"

Matthew frantically hit anything he could see in the buggy to make it stop and I suddenly felt a jet of cold water gush down my cleavage.

"Yyyyeeeaaiigghhh " I yelped

"Oops looks like I found the washer jets" Matthew sniggered. I shoot him a frosty glare.

"Wait until I get my hands on you Matthew"

The buggy began to pick up speed as we headed downhill. Matthew stuck his head out of the side of the buggy to try and see where we were heading.

"Kate! Kate! Turn the wheel!! Now!!"

"Which way?" a flustered Kate yelled back.

"Anyway just turn it. Oh, give it here" Matthew shouted and reached over to grab the steering wheel.

"What’s happening?" I called out, not daring to turn to see. I watched the pair of them fight over the wheel and all the time we didn’t change direction.

"Here have the wheel" Kate snapped and physically handed Matthew the steering wheel. Matthew looked at Kate then down at the wheel in his hands, then up at me.

"What is it? Spit it out!"

Matthew slowly held the disconnected steering wheel up.

A chorus of screams erupted from the buggy as we all sped helplessly downhill towards a small lake.

Within moments a huge wave engulfed the buggy as we splashed into the lake sending me catapulting forwards. I landed with a splash in the centre of the water. Floundering and splashing I spluttered to the surface totally drenched (but much cleaner)

"Uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh" I gasped and spluttered. "You Fools!" Matthew and Kate managed to clamber from the buggy, both dripping wet.

Slowly I managed to struggle to the shore and clambered out of the water. I bent over and removed my water logged thigh boots, carrying the boots over to Kate and Matthew. I fixed them with a firm glare.

"You two are in so much trouble when we get back!" I shrieked, and with that I tipped the water from my boots over both their heads.

"Now, come on, we still have time"

(Part Two Follows Next Week.....................)

[kneehigh21]

Splendid story thanks, plenty of build up, great mess and great outfits! looking forward to the next instalment...

[Slapstickman]

Thanks for your kind comments. The next Chapter is up now, so hope you enjoy that too. There's a lot more to come..........