I think this would be a good place to have a jokes thread where we can all put general funnies, not necessarily splosh related.
STRONG WORDS SPOKEN BY WOMEN :
1. FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
4. GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission.
Don't do it.
5. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
6. THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to A man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome..
Jokes and Sayings
Previous topicNext topic8 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Smart Pupil
by Richard » 26 Aug 2006, 00:37
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: " 36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal & Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: " 36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal & Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
by Richard » 18 Jun 2007, 11:13
An Aussie Fairy Tale
Once upon a time in a Red Gum Tree forest in New South Wales lived a yellow toad.
One day he realized that all the other toads were avoiding him because he was yellow and they were green.
Searching out the Witch of the Woods he told her of his problem and begged her to make him green like all the other toads.
Waving her magic wand and casting a spell she turned the toad green faster than you can drink a tinny of Fosters.
The toad bounded through the Gum trees full of joy, then stopping at a billabong to get a drink, he saw himself reflected in the water and realized his penis was still yellow.
Hurrying back to the Witch of the Woods he complained of the error.
“I am a lady!” the witch exclaimed “I don’t do penises, go to the Wizard of Australia for that, and don’t ask me where he lives, because I don’t know.”
“I do” said the toad and I’m off to see him right away.” and with a quick bound, set off on his journey.
Moments later an Albino Kangaroo approached the Witch of the Woods and begged her to make him the same colour as the other Kangaroos, which she did, adding the warning that he would find his penis had remained white and as she was lady she didn’t do penises, so he would have to go to the Wizard of Australia for that,
The Kangaroo said, “How do I find the Wizard of Oz?”
And the witch said………..
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Follow the yellow prick toad.”
Once upon a time in a Red Gum Tree forest in New South Wales lived a yellow toad.
One day he realized that all the other toads were avoiding him because he was yellow and they were green.
Searching out the Witch of the Woods he told her of his problem and begged her to make him green like all the other toads.
Waving her magic wand and casting a spell she turned the toad green faster than you can drink a tinny of Fosters.
The toad bounded through the Gum trees full of joy, then stopping at a billabong to get a drink, he saw himself reflected in the water and realized his penis was still yellow.
Hurrying back to the Witch of the Woods he complained of the error.
“I am a lady!” the witch exclaimed “I don’t do penises, go to the Wizard of Australia for that, and don’t ask me where he lives, because I don’t know.”
“I do” said the toad and I’m off to see him right away.” and with a quick bound, set off on his journey.
Moments later an Albino Kangaroo approached the Witch of the Woods and begged her to make him the same colour as the other Kangaroos, which she did, adding the warning that he would find his penis had remained white and as she was lady she didn’t do penises, so he would have to go to the Wizard of Australia for that,
The Kangaroo said, “How do I find the Wizard of Oz?”
And the witch said………..
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Follow the yellow prick toad.”
Bottoms Up!
by Richard » 20 Jun 2007, 23:12
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.
It' s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob of.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.
It' s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob of.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Bottoms Up!
by DecadentDoll » 02 Oct 2007, 15:23
I love these afternoons where I visit the reading room, and i was in dire need of some comic relief...how right you are with the womens words definitions!
I'll have to post some of my own funnies, when ive stopped choking on my coffee
I'll have to post some of my own funnies, when ive stopped choking on my coffee
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr Seuss
-
DecadentDoll - Posts: 2146 [ View ]
- Joined: 23 Apr 2006, 21:39
- Location: Moderator's Chair.
Re: Jokes and Sayings
by Richard » 01 Jun 2009, 15:49
English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Bottoms Up!
Re: Jokes and Sayings
by Richard » 24 Sep 2009, 21:06
Signs Can Be Funny Too
Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Back to top
Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Back to top
Bottoms Up!
Re: Jokes and Sayings
by wampony » 24 Sep 2009, 22:21
Two men had been drinking in the pub and when they left they realised that they had missed the last bus home
As they started to walk home they passed the bus-station and Paddy said "Hey Murphy, why don't we steal a bus and then drive it home"
Murphy agreed and went into the bus garage, after about 10 minutes Paddy called in to him "What are you doing in there?"
Murphy replied "Looking for the number 36 bus."
Paddy replied "You idiot, steal the number 16 then we can walk the rest of the way!"
A male panda lived by himself in the zoo, and one night he escaped as he felt frustrated and he needed some sex.
He met a woman on the street corner who invited the panda to her flat.
Once in the flat the panda saw a bamboo chair, so without thinking he ate it (as he hadn't stopped for a pizza)
The woman thought 'it takes all sorts I suppose' as she got undressed and laid on the bed.
The panda started to have sex with the woman, but because he hadn't had any for a while it was all over in a few seconds.
The woman then said "that will be £100 please"
The Panda couldn't understand this, so the woman said "I am a prostitute"
When the panda said he didn't know what a prostitute was the woman handed him a dictionary and told him to look it up.
The Panda did so and read "Prostitute-one who has sex in return for money"
The panda then handed the dictionary back to the woman and said "look up Panda in here"
The woman did so and read "Panda-Eats shoots and leaves"
"Right" said the panda, "I'm off!"
Q.What's big, red and 'airy?
A.A London bus with all the windows open!
Two Irish men were going to the doctors for a medical check for a job vacancy.
Murphy had never had a check so asked Paddy to tell him the answers.
Paddy went in and the doctor asked "With both of your eyes, what are you?"
Paddy replied "Not blind"
The doctor asked "If I remove one eye, what are you?"
Paddy replied "Half blind"
The doctor asked "If I remove the other eye, what are you?"
"All blind" Paddy replied.
"Good, you've passed" said the doctor
Paddy left and told Murphy "The answers are not blind, half blind and all blind"
Murphy thanked his mate and went in to see the doctor.
The doctor asked "With both your ears, what are you?"
"Not blind" replied Murphy.
The doctor continued "If I remove one ear, what are you?"
"Half Blind" replied Murphy
Puzzled, the doctor continued "If I remove the other ear, what are you?"
"All blind" Murphy replied.
"How do you work that out" asked the doctor.
"Easy" replied Murphy, "My hat falls down over my eyes!"
A council electrician was sent to change the light bulb in a lift in the council offices.
He saw a notice which said THIS LIFT IS FOR 6 PERSONS ONLY, so he waited for two hours until 5 other people turned up.
A worried woman went to see a psychiatrist and said to the doctor " I want to talk to you about my husband. He is convinced he is a refrigerator."
"Well, thats nothing to worry about" said the doctor. " I would think thats a harmless obsession"
"Yes, but the thing is" Said the woman, "he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake all night"
A man went to the optician saying his new glasses were not as good as his old ones as he couldn't see as far as before.
The optician took the man outside and pointed into the sky saying "What is that up there?"
The man relied "The sun"
"Right" says the optician "it's 93 million miles away, how much bloody further do you want to see!!"
O.K. I'll get my coat.
As they started to walk home they passed the bus-station and Paddy said "Hey Murphy, why don't we steal a bus and then drive it home"
Murphy agreed and went into the bus garage, after about 10 minutes Paddy called in to him "What are you doing in there?"
Murphy replied "Looking for the number 36 bus."
Paddy replied "You idiot, steal the number 16 then we can walk the rest of the way!"
A male panda lived by himself in the zoo, and one night he escaped as he felt frustrated and he needed some sex.
He met a woman on the street corner who invited the panda to her flat.
Once in the flat the panda saw a bamboo chair, so without thinking he ate it (as he hadn't stopped for a pizza)
The woman thought 'it takes all sorts I suppose' as she got undressed and laid on the bed.
The panda started to have sex with the woman, but because he hadn't had any for a while it was all over in a few seconds.
The woman then said "that will be £100 please"
The Panda couldn't understand this, so the woman said "I am a prostitute"
When the panda said he didn't know what a prostitute was the woman handed him a dictionary and told him to look it up.
The Panda did so and read "Prostitute-one who has sex in return for money"
The panda then handed the dictionary back to the woman and said "look up Panda in here"
The woman did so and read "Panda-Eats shoots and leaves"
"Right" said the panda, "I'm off!"
Q.What's big, red and 'airy?
A.A London bus with all the windows open!
Two Irish men were going to the doctors for a medical check for a job vacancy.
Murphy had never had a check so asked Paddy to tell him the answers.
Paddy went in and the doctor asked "With both of your eyes, what are you?"
Paddy replied "Not blind"
The doctor asked "If I remove one eye, what are you?"
Paddy replied "Half blind"
The doctor asked "If I remove the other eye, what are you?"
"All blind" Paddy replied.
"Good, you've passed" said the doctor
Paddy left and told Murphy "The answers are not blind, half blind and all blind"
Murphy thanked his mate and went in to see the doctor.
The doctor asked "With both your ears, what are you?"
"Not blind" replied Murphy.
The doctor continued "If I remove one ear, what are you?"
"Half Blind" replied Murphy
Puzzled, the doctor continued "If I remove the other ear, what are you?"
"All blind" Murphy replied.
"How do you work that out" asked the doctor.
"Easy" replied Murphy, "My hat falls down over my eyes!"
A council electrician was sent to change the light bulb in a lift in the council offices.
He saw a notice which said THIS LIFT IS FOR 6 PERSONS ONLY, so he waited for two hours until 5 other people turned up.
A worried woman went to see a psychiatrist and said to the doctor " I want to talk to you about my husband. He is convinced he is a refrigerator."
"Well, thats nothing to worry about" said the doctor. " I would think thats a harmless obsession"
"Yes, but the thing is" Said the woman, "he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake all night"
A man went to the optician saying his new glasses were not as good as his old ones as he couldn't see as far as before.
The optician took the man outside and pointed into the sky saying "What is that up there?"
The man relied "The sun"
"Right" says the optician "it's 93 million miles away, how much bloody further do you want to see!!"
O.K. I'll get my coat.
We'll have to drink our way out of this
8 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest