Bah, Humbug

[qdaved]

Below is a short, seasonal tale. Hope you enjoy it.

It can also be seen in nice, pretty pdf format here.

Oh, and Five Slimy Pieces has been updated too with a couple of new images, that can be found here


It was the movie event of the year. There were a very select few though, who had turned up for the world premiere. The makeshift cinema, setup using a projector shining on to one of the blank walls of Kirsty and Geoffrey's front room. A vast array of provisions had been laid out, popcorn, snacks, drinks all carefully prepared, it was a glutton's paradise. All that was required was the movie itself.
Suddenly an explosion of noise heralded Bess bursting into the room, out of breath, hair somewhat disheveled and one hand held aloft, triumphantly clutching a single DVD. There were cheers from the assembled group of people. Kirsty and Geoffrey were there of course, as was Daisy. Katy had been invited too, and was lounging about in a typically outlandish leather and latex outfit. Lucy, the cute redheaded cheerleader was present too, having been fully inducted into the world of wam. The final guest was called Ryan, Lucy's boyfriend. He was tall with a dark complexion, and didn't say much at all. Given the bevy of forceful personalities in the room he didn't really have a chance to say much.
Bess and Geoffrey busied themselves setting up the movie. The Sploshington Girls' School Sixth Form pantomime had just been and gone, and most of the people in the room had been unable to see it. Hence the fact that Bess had wrangled her own copy of the official DVD. She and Lucy had had a major hand in the writing of it and had just about managed to cram in a few splosh scenes. The Sploshington panto was never exactly conventional, and this year was no different, it had an incredibly surreal script and was basically a huge mix of various traditional pantomime stories.
Bess and Lucy had had a little bit of trouble in getting the scenes through into the final script, but thanks to a lot of support from Geoffrey in his guise as woodwork teacher, and Miss Falls, the friend who had come on Bess' gungy hen night and had very much enjoyed it, they had managed to prevail. Mr. Brown, the headmaster, had finally relented when he considered the not inconsiderable track record Bess Blossom had with fundraising activities.
At last the film was ready to roll, and the lights were duly dimmed, everyone in the room settled down and prepared to watch.
"Is it the whole thing?" asked Ryan in a slightly apprehensive voice. It seemed that he didn't have a great deal of faith in the thespian skills of the Sixth Formers.
"No, don't worry," replied Bess in a slightly patronising voice, "I've edited it so that it's only the pertinent scenes."
As the film started, Bess reflected on the experience of being involved with the pantomime. It had been tremendous fun. There had been a great cast and a great backstage crew as well, the play had been a sellout, the first one that the school had ever seen. At first she thought that she might have had some trouble with the actresses selected to be sploshed, but in actual fact they were all very much willing to get stuck in and get messy, on all five nights.
She thought of all the girls. Samantha, tall, willowy and slim, with long dark hair. Rachel, curvy and busty, a real bombshell. Laura, with her brown hair and statuesque figure. Claire, blonde, and the most beautiful of the four, maybe the most beautiful girl in the school. Bess grabbed a handful of popcorn and sat back to enjoy her handiwork.

It was clear that the video was not professionally made from the way that the stage came somewhat jerkily into focus. The picture was clear enough though, and steady, it looked great on the big screen too. The paper trees and fake undergrowth looked a bit amateurish, but did enough to suggest that this particular scene took place in a forest.
The main point of interest about this scene though, was the huge paddling pool towards the front of the stage. It was filled with an awful lot of brown, sticky mud that looked ever so disgustingly sloppy. The audience stirred in their seats. They weren't fools, they knew what was coming. A very narrow bar was suspended about six inches above the mud pool and spanned its entire diameter. This was intriguing.
A jaunty music cue from the band heralded the arrival of the main character for this scene. It was Rachel, the luscious blonde playing Little Red Riding Hood. She had on a red and white chequered dress with a flaring skirt that was rather risque in its shortness and pure white socks that came comfortably over her knees. On her feet were a pair of black rubber boots and over her dress was a bright and shiny pvc raincoat coming down to just over her knees, obvious signs of what was to come. Her hair was done in cute pigtails and, appropriate to the character, she was carrying a wicker basket.
The audience seemed eager to see this beauty get her comeuppance, but this was stalled by the arrival of somebody else to the stage. This was a girl in a big, furry rabbit suit, munching nonchalantly on a prop carrot.
"Hi there!" chirruped the rabbit, "my name's Bunny! What's yours?"
"I'm Little Red Riding Hood," replied her companion, affably, "and I'm travelling through this forest to my grandmother's house."
"Through the forest? You'd better be careful!"
"Careful? What of?"
"Of the Woodland Critters!" cried Bunny with dismay, "you always have to watch out for them."
"That sounds dangerous. Can you help me steer clear of them?"
"I certainly can! The best way to scare Woodland Critters away is to sing."
"Really?" said Little Red, "I love singing!" Bunny produced a sheaf of papers from nowhere, and cleared her throat. The rabbit began to belt out a decent version of 'You Are My Sunshine'. There was only one verse, but it garnered a light smattering of applause. Bunny looked a little smugly across at her companion.
"Right," said Little Red with some determination, "my turn!" She cleared her throat and began to warble 'Stormy Weather'. Little Red got no more than a couple of bars into the song before all of a sudden a huge torrent of water cascaded down from on high, hitting the poor girl right on the head. It drenched her pretty blonde hair and ran down on to the top of her dress, dampening it considerably. The audience laughed uproariously at this, while Little Red Riding Hood wiped some excess water from out of her eyes, but still managed to keep a deadpan expression.
"Why don't you try again," she said to her Lupine companion.
"Okay!" replied Bunny, and immediately launched into a spirited rendition of 'Mr. Blue Sky'. The audience once again gave some applause, but having worked out the joke for this sketch, they were much more interested in what was going to happen to Little Red.
She began, somewhat hesitantly, to sing 'April Showers'. Sure enough, another deluge of water came down to fall squarely on top of Little Red. She had to suppress a small giggle, the top of her dress was really quite soaked now and it was clinging quite nicely to her magnificent breasts.
"My turn!" piped up Bunny, and sang her way through the first verse of 'Bring Me Sunshine', and of course, nothing at all happened to her.
"Okay, one more song should do it," said the bouncy rabbit, "your turn again." Little Red Riding Hood examined the songsheet in her hand. It didn't look to good to her.
"I tell you what," she said, "why don't we do this last one as a duet?"
"Okay," said Bunny, "but I think I might need a prop for this." Swiftly she ran off stage, and reemerged a split-second later brandishing an absolutely enormous black umbrella.
"You wouldn't happen to have two of those, would you?" asked Little Red, more in hope than expectation.
"I'm afraid not," replied Bunny.
"Oh well."
The rabbit put up her gigantic contraption and the pair began to sing a duet of the recent chart hit 'Umbrella'. Water cascaded down more forcefully than ever before, there were showers all over the place, but of course Bunny was totally protected. They did a little dance together as Little Red Riding Hood got totally and utterly drenched, the water spilling all over her cute red raincoat, which was no use at all and soaking her pretty dress. Her wellies splashed about in the puddles that formed on the plastic sheeting covering the floor of the stage.
After a couple of minutes they stopped singing and the water stopped as well.
"I think that's enough," said Bunny, "the Woodland Critters will be well frightened away now."
"Good," said Little Red, wiping a lock of wet hair away from her face, "because I'd better be going."
"Good luck getting over the bridge" said the rabbit. The pair turned their attention to the mud pit in front of them, and the bridge across it. This was basically a thin gymnasts bar extending right over the middle of it, and looked rather less than safe.
"Why don't I carry your basket over for you?" said Bunny, and with that she took hold of the wicker basket and pranced over the bar with ease, even performing a cartwheel right at the end. The audience gave out an 'oooh'. In truth both of these girls were expert gymnasts, and were very glad of the opportunity to show off their skills in front of a crowd.
Little Red Riding Hood looked nervously out at the bar and put one booted foot out on to it. The audience made anticipatory noises and a drum roll started in the band. Little Red stepped gingerly out onto the bridge. She inched along slowly, ever so slowly. She was about halfway when suddenly she seemed to lose har balance a bit, and started wobbling around. She recovered it though, and inched her way onwards. Three-quarters of the way across Little Red again ran into trouble. She began to wobble even more than before, waving her arms about in a desperate attempt not to overbalance. The audience were very much looking forward to seeing this beautiful blonde falling into the moras below. Suddenly she leapt forward the last few steps needed to complete the safe crossing and stood right on the end of the beam. She bowed to the audience who applauded her for her feat.
"Well done!" cried Bunny, and slapped her heartily on the back. This wasn't the best move. Little Red teetered on the brink for a second or two, then pitched forward right into the mud. There was a huge splash and the audience roared. Little Red Riding Hood disappeared right under the sticky gunk. She emerged a few seconds later a brown mess. Her dress was absolutely saturated underneath the pvc raincoat, which was itself totally covered. Her sexy, over-the-knee socks were no longer white and her rubber boots were full to their brims with horribly squishy mud.
Little Red cleared her face, revealing an expression of wide eyed surprise, but it was still obvious that she was having fun in the mud. The curtain came down, closing the scene to thunderous applause.

There followed a blank screen for a couple of seconds, obviously indicating where intervening scenes had been edited out, then the picture came back to life. There was more than a couple of cheers as the curtain was pulled back to reveal he second splosh scene. It was a kitchen set, with rather a cartoonish look about it. A quite enormous pair of mock tins were very prominent, one declaring itself to be custard and the other baring the legend 'baked beans'. A definite ripple of anticipation ran through the onlookers. Bess felt obliged to provide those in the room with a bit of background information.
"A previous scene explained that the kitchen was going to be booby-trapped," she said.
"Why?" asked Daisy.
"Because the wicked step-mother is supposed to be coming round," replied Bess.
"Don't worry about it," said Lucy, "the plot's not supposed to make that much sense."
"Okay," said Daisy.
During this exchange the tall, slim Samantha had walked onto the stage in her persona as Snow White. Her long dark hair was done in a ponytail and her yellow skirt was very short indeed, her slender legs being clad in bright red tights with shiny black high heels on her feet. Samantha's top half was encased in a tight, blue bodice with white, puffy short-sleeves. She acknowledged the crowd with a cheeky grin, she knew full well that she was about to be gunged.
"Time to clean up the kitchen!" Snow White said brightly. She picked up a big bucket of soapy water and proceeded to walk across the front of the stage. However, Snow White took no more than a few paces before encountering a somewhat oversized banana skin. Following the laws of comedy, Snow White immediately slipped and fell right onto her pretty behind, spilling the entire contents of the full bucket all over her. There was a whoop from the crowd, pleased at seeing this latest beauty messed up so quickly. The water soaked right through her flimsy skirt and the bottom of her blue bodice was stained a darker colour. There was a brief flash of a grin from the actress before she recovered her composure. Quickly she picked herself up.
"Oh dear!" she exclaimed, "now I need some more water." Snow White walked across to the sink. Her skirt flapped wetly against her wet legs and her suds-streaked tights. She reached the sink and attempted to turn the tap on. This action did not produce the desired result. Instead a jet of water spurted out and hit her squarely in the face. Snow White staggered backwards in exaggerated shock until her back legs brushed against one of the kitchen chairs, whereupon she sat down heavily.
She had a soft landing. Her pert little behind plumped right down into a big, creamy pie with a wonderfully damp squelching sound. Snow White shifted in her seat a little, her mouth a perfect 'O' of surprise as she felt the cream soak through the back of her skirt and into her tights and knickers.
She stood up and took another paces forward, but no sooner had she done that than she slipped on yet another banana skin, stumbled forward and ended up planting her face right into the middle of another huge pie placed on the worktop. When she stood up it became clear that the pie had completely obliterated her pretty face. Snow White scraped a large amount of cream away from her eyes and sighed exaggeratedly.
"I suppose I had better bake some replacements for these now!" she said. "First step; get the ingredients!" Snow White opened a cupboard situated at head height. Immediately a literal 'stage-hand' reached out from the black depths and planted another pie into her face, further messing up the lovely girl's appearance.
"Eeek!" she squealed, and tried her luck with the next cupboard. A pie slammed right into her front, the white, sloppy cream covering her exposed cleavage and dripping down inside her outfit. Opening a third cupboard resulted in another pie being plonked right down on top of her head, then sliding down her fine, long hair while the audience laughed uproariously at her plight. Snow White scrapped some of the mess out of her eyes, and gamely prepared to carry on.
"I guess those weren't the right cupboards!" she said. Snow White maneuver a brightly painted ladder over to the bank of cupboards in order to reach it higher realms. Upon reaching the topmost cupboard she stretched up to open it. A cascade of slimy red jelly poured down on to her head, the sticky mess dripping down all over her.
Snow White whirled her arms around in an exaggerated fashion, desperately trying not to overbalance. It was no use though, she fell right off the ladder, headlong into the open and waiting gigantic tin of baked beans. There was a huge roar from the audience at this latest and most spectacular pratfall, it was what the scene had been leading up to all the time, and they loved it.
Snow White was out of sight for fully ten seconds before she burst through the surface and took a huge gulp of air. She had been transformed from the pretty, sexy girl of but a few minutes ago into a horrible, disgusting mess, standing up to her waist in a tub of cold, clammy baked beans. Once the audience's applause and laughter had died down, Snow White spoke up:
"At least the worst has happened now! she said. She spoke too soon though. There was a rattling noise from above. Snow White glanced upwards just in time to say:
"Uh oh!"
The giant tin of custard, placed conveniently right above the beans she was now standing in teetered, then tipped right over, and a cascade of yellow gunk hit Snow White right in her upturned face. She was utterly drenched in custard, the stream fell all over her, it ran over her head, over and under her once elegant bodice. There was not an inch of the brave actress that was not saturated with beautiful mess of one kind or another.
It was the end of the scene, and Samantha couldn't help but go out of character for a moment, and flashed a brilliant smile to her devoted fans, her clean, white teeth standing out against her mess covered body. The curtain fell as the audience showed their rapturous appreciation.

Claire made a very pretty Cinderella, thought Bess as the camera awkwardly sequed into the next scene. The gown she had on was really lovely too, it complemented her natural beauty very well. It was made of pure, cream coloured silk and had veluminous, ankle-length skirts, the neckline elegantly exposed and pushed up her cleavage to make twin wonderous orbs. It was studded all about with sparkling faux-diamonds that caught the light with even the slightest movement. The ensemble was accesorized with skyscraper high heels in glittery silver and a wonderful tiara nestled in her mounds of curly blonde hair. Claire was a picture.
Her companion was fairly easy on the eyes too. Laura, crossdressing as is pantomime tradition, made a dashing Prince Charming. Her tight, white riding breeches clung skin-tight to her endless legs, and her scarlet jerkin with its bright brass buttons was cut very stylishly. Her tall figure was made even taller and her posture was made just fantasic by her high, black leather boots which came to just under her knees and had a heel that was at least four inches.
The stage was set up to look like a bathroom, but one with obvious white sheets everywhere. There was a table with some wallpaper on at the front of the stage, obviously signifying that some decorating was going on. Confirming this there was also a big bucket of thick, translucent slime that was obviously meant to represent wallpaper paste (and which Bess had spent several hours convincing the wardrobe department would absolutely not stain). For some reason the rather large bath was also filled with it.
"Don't even think about the plot at this stage," was Lucy's only nugget of explaination.
This scene was obviously meant to play out like an old silent movie, and the band's piano player tinkled away in an appropriately ragtime fashion to illustrate the exagerated, cartoonish actions of the players on stage. Cinderella and Prince Charming were obviously preparing to try to decorate the bathroom.
The roll of wallpaper was unravelled along the long trestle table and held in place by Cinderella. Prince Charming took hold of the brush and dunked it into the bucket, ensuring that its bristles were heavy and sagging with paste. She then proceded to describe a huge arc with it, running the brush along the wallpaper, right to the end... and continued on running a trail of slime up over Cinderella's heaving bosom and onto her face. The transparent goo dripped off Cinderella's less than amused features.
Indingnantly she took the brush from Prince Charming, dunked it in the bucket again, then very deliberately smeared it all over Prince Charming's face. Prince Charming didn't really complain, rather she gave a helpless, 'I deserved that' look to the audience and prepared to carry on.
Somewhat gingerly and unsteadily Prince Charming mounted a stepladder positioned next to the wall, carrying the burden of the still mostly full bucket in one hand and dragging the wallpaper behind her with the other. All the while Cinderella was standing just below gesticulating with her arms and obviously giving out some less than helpful advice. When Prince Charming finally reached the summit a particularly severe bout of finger wagging caused her to look downwards. Unfortunately this movement caused the bucket to waver in her grasp somewhat, and a large amount of the pase slopped over the side and smacked wetly right down on top of Cinderella's pretty face. The see through mess splattered all over her lovely hair, dampening her coiffure somewhat and rinning disgustingly down inside he neckline of her beautiful, pristine gown.
There was an expression like thunder on her besmirched face of Cinderella, and an extremely guilty one on Prince Charming's. Shamefacedly she stepped down the ladder slowly and stood, shoulders hunced in front of Cinderella. Cinders vindictively grabbed hold of the bucket. Very deliberately and slowly she raised the bucket above Prince Charming's head and tipped it agonisingly over her head. Her ponytail was swiftly slimed and the goo ran down over the top of her nice red jerkin, staining it a darker shade. It ran down inside as well, trickling horribly against her bare skin.
Punishment satisfactorily doled out Cinderella grabbed hold of the wallpaper in a manner which suggested 'if you want something doing properly, you've got to do it yourself.' She began to climb the ladder, a little awkwardly due to her veluminous outfit. She had got about halfway up when Prince Charming bent down in order to pick up the paintbrush which had fallen on the floor. This caused her to bump the ladder, not by a lot, but enough to cause Cinders to waver. She wobbled unsteadinly for a few seconds accompanied by a tension building trill on the piano, then fell headlong. Her fall had a soft landing, she landed sqarely right in the middle of the gunge filled bath. A huge splash was caused by her impact, and in an instant her posh frock was soaked through. The clinging, sticky stuff soaked ever crevice of her outfit and her body. THe beautiful silk folds of her dress, the sexy silver heels, her expertly arranged hair.
Cinderella struggled to get to her feet and clambered clumsily out of the bath. The cream dress glimmered in the harsh stage lights and it clung wonderously to Cinderella's body. Her long gloves were rumpled and had obviously taken on board some slime. Cinders fixed Prince Charming with a steely, determined gaze and pointed one finger at her in an accusatory manner. Prince Charming looked down at the ground demurely, then turned to regard the audience with an 'I just can't win' expression.
She knew what was coming next, as did the audience, and Prince Charming saw no reason to prolong the inevitable. She resigned herself to her fate. The tall, willowy brunette took a couple of steps towards the gunge filled bath, then unhurreidly and calmy proceded to climb in and sit down. The slime flooded quickly into her tall leather boots, then soaked into her thin white britches and her smart red jacket. She dipped her head right under the surface, the welcoming gunk seeping into her long, flowing hair.
The audience went absolutely wild.
Seen as it was very nearly the end of the show, Laura and Claire felt justified in breaking character for a minute. Laura climbed out of the bath and squelched her way in her gunge filled boots over to her companion, where the pair took a salutory bow. Laura's tight, white leggings were almost seethrough from their soaking in the slime and the gorgeous dress plastered to Clair's immaculate body was certainly a sight for sore eyes.
The curtain fell to a standing ovation.

There was a brief silence in the room as the last splosh scene of the Sploshington Girls' School Pantomime came to a close. A brief moment of reflection from the assorted experienced wammers as they considered the very fine sights they had just witnessed.
"That was great!" exclaimed Daisy, breaking in on everyone's private reveries.
"It was good to see my handiwork being put to good use," said Geoffrey. It was of course he who had provided much of the technical wizardry that the production had required.
"Why can't all pantos be like that?" asked Kirsty rhetorically.
"It's not over yet," said Ryan in his deep voice, causing everyone's attention to snap back to the screen instantly.
Sure enough, the blackness of the video once again gave way to shots of the pantomime, but this time obviously taken from somewhere behind the scenes. The paddling pool from the first scene was again in shot, but this time there was not just mud in there. There was beans and custard all mixed in with the dirt, along with a thick layer of slime floating on the top like a scum. It was truly a vile mess.
The four members of the cast who had just been seen being messed up were present, but now completely cleaned up and in their civvies.
"This was the last night," said Bess by way of explanation, "and they wanted some revenge."
Sure enough, the quartet had prisoners. Rachel and Samantha were carrying Lucy in their arms, whilst Laura and Claire had hold of Bess. Lucy was in a festive forest green dress, plainly cut, and dark red fabric knee high boots. Bess had been helping out behind the scenes, and so the stunning blonde teacher was clad in tight leather trousers and a figure hugging roll-neck sweater, both in jet black, along with black leather boots.
Without ceremony they were dumped headlong into the moras, vengeance for five nights of slapstick mess. The pair went right under, their heads disappearing into the muck, their entire outfits being totally messed up. Lucy's floaty dress moved all over her slim body, the sensations absolutely wonderful, her boots flooded totally with the slop. Bess, such a connoisseur of gunk, thought the sensations of the cold mud combined with the stickiness of the slime and the oozing of the foodstuffs quite delicious, especially inside her tight leather trousers.
It was clear that Lucy and Bess were taking their dunkings in good spirit, and this made the cast feel happy. In fact the two sliding around in the gunge filled pool were probably enjoying this moment more than they had enjoyed the whole of the rest of the production. They both got up, mess oozing from their bodies, and tried to ensnare any of the four lovely actresses in a gungey embrace, while the girls fled wisely out of harm's way. Bess turned round to blow a slimy kiss to the camera and the screen faded to black for the last time.
There was a hearty round of applause in the room for this bonus wamming.
"You never told me about that!" cried Daisy.
"I wanted to keep it a surprise," replied Bess, "besides, I knew you'd only be jealous."
"I am," said Daisy.
"Lucy told me," said Ryan, with a big grin on his face. Katy giggled.
"That certainly has made it a Christmas to remember," said Kirsty. "Although there were a few details that I'd like... reminding of."
"I'm already there," said Geoffrey as he set the DVD to replay.[/url]