Messy poetry (Death and the Messy Maiden)

[TottyMcGee]

This has been on the Wamdrogony site for some time, but I thought I'd post it again here because, quite frankly, I'm an attention whore.

Anyhow, this is my attempt at doing a piece of classical epic verse around the theme of Death And The Maiden, and the associated challenge of coming up with enough rhymes for slime, gunge, goo and so forth. It wasn't easy, no wonder Coleridge turned to drugs.

Anyhow, here it is for your enjoyment.

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Death and the Messy Maiden
by Miss Helen

A-sploshing in the yard one day
A fair maid she did gaily play
Mixing up the goop and slime
Planning out a messy time

When into view a figure came
Black velvet cloak, dress of the same
Her hood was up to hide her face
Yet her voice echoed throughout the place

She lifted up a hand so pale
With raven painted fingernails
“Put down those pies!” she spake grimly,
“For I am Death; I’ve come for thee!”

Our maiden cried out, “Nay, please nay!
Allow me just more time to play!
I’m much too young, and still too clean
Next week I was going to try baked beans!”

But Lady Death just shook her head
“You must away with me”, she said
“I care not for your custard flans
For destiny has other plans”.

The maiden flicked aside her hair
“Then come and take me, if you dare
I shan’t go down without a fight
Thou fiendish creature of the night.”

“So that’s your wont”, said Lady Death,
“To challenge me with thine dying breath”.
She was interrupted suddenly,
As a cream pie nailed her perfectly.

Lady Death removed her cowl,
Her pale face wore a nasty scowl
She petulantly wiped the mess
Dripping from her face and dress

“Thou naughty mortal”, the dark Lady fumed
“Thou must prepare to be consumed!”
“Tits to you, Miss!” mocked the maid
And sprayed the spectre with lemonade

Before Lady Death could catch her air
She felt something cold land in her hair
A sweet yellow ooze ran down her face
And slopped about all o'er the place

“Mere custard shall not hinder me”,
Spake the apparition furiously
The maid snatched up a pail of soup
And soaked the ghoul in orange goop

“Brief mortal, ye shall rue the time
You chose to challenge me with slime!
For I am of eternity
And none commands more gunge than me!”

She snapped her fingers, and appeared,
(although this might sound rather weird)
A spectral bucket of purest dread
Hovering o’er our maiden’s head

The maiden looked up with surprise
A torrent hit between her eyes
Of ectoplasmic slime of green
The likes of which ye’d never seen

The slime kept coming, far much more
Than any earthly vessel could store
When finally the flow did stop
She could scarce be seen from within the slop

Lady Death smiled evily
“What do think of that?” said she
“Very nice”, spoke the lass in goo
“But is that the best that you can do?”

The Dark Lady scowled, and gestured hard
When at once there flooded through the yard
A tidal wave of slime bright pink
Both were submerged within the drink

The maiden lost track of the time
They swam together in that slime
When as suddenly as it had come, it passed
Leaving them dripping on the grass

The maiden gave a messy sigh
“Well, if for truth my time is nigh,
At least you brought such messy glee
And so I shall submit to thee”.

“Very well,” said Lady Death
“Prepare to take thine dying breath!
Though verily I must confess
We had a lot of fun in mess

“Thou messy mortal, soothe your head
I like you better gunged than dead
I shall return another time
To play with you once more in slime”.

With that the Lady winked and smiled
Bade farewell to the messy child
Her dripping cowl she once more donned
And with a breeze of eerie wind, was gone

The Maiden settled sloppily down
Wringing out her gooey gown
Soaked as thoroughly as a sponge
“Farewell, my Mistress of the gunge”.

[Hayley]

Great stuff, Miss Helen. I love parody poetry, and have contributed a couple to our Mucky Tales book - I am particularly proud of my dildo-related version of Jabberwocky called Rubbercocky! Unfortunately as the less than vast sales of Mucky Tales prove, I'm not sure everyone gets the joke. Not that I'm saying sploshers are not well-read or anything, oh no!

Feel free to express your attention whoredom by posting anything here. I particularly liked your tranny Dr Who post. I reckon that could be worked up into a story no trouble.

Hayley

[TottyMcGee]

Thanks Hayley!

I like the sound of Rubbercocky (Beware the Rubbercock, my friend...), maybe further literary parodies could include a Bronté inspired pie fight or mudwrestling contest on the moors ("Smothering Fights") and Coleridge's tale of messy fun on the high seas, "The Slime Of The Ancient Mariner". Of course there's been a ton of Alice parodies over the years, but then that book (or certainly it's sequel) had all the lolita-esque scandal around it to build interest.

I'll have a word with the Wamdrogony team to see if we could do a tranny Doctor Who spoof - I can imagine a KLF-style low budget spoof could work quite well, with cardboard box daleks squirting gunge through their guns and the Doctor and his(her) companions scrapping over outfits. It could even be fun to make this a co-production, if anyone else wants to get together in putting the concept together for the hell of it.

[andy250]

Yep can right something silly for this I have some other ideas for The Case of Miss Helen!!! but its nothing certain yet, let me know if you want too see something and I'll see if its do-able!!! Would have to have Bill and Hayley appearing in an Alfred Hitchcock!!!! type moment.

[UncleRupert]

Talented and sexy - how cool is that? Would like to hear more. And if I may have to track down a copy of Messy Tales just for the Rubbercocky!