The Splosh UK Forum

Being a professional insomniac I was listening to BBC Radio 2's Alex Lester (the Dark Lord) at 4am this morning and he mentioned "his friend Bill" a couple of times

Around 4.30 he said that "Bill" had written his "Lesters Lists" - mostly in a pub in South London

Anyways at this point he said this mornings list was "10 things to tell if your decorator is a clown" and it was written by his friend BILL SHIPTON !!!

I cant remember all 10 (its was 4am after all) but they included

When he arrives in his van the back doors drop off and foam comes out of the radiator
His shoes are so big he cant reach the door bell
His female assistant is dressed as a ballerina
He has 1 roll of wallpaper and 36 buckets of paste
His boss wears a pointy hat, has a white face, and one painted on eyebrow

There were more, however I was convinced this list was definitely written by Bill cos of ballerinas and wallpaper paste and the fact it was written in a pub!

Alex may be a dark lord

But Bill, you are a dark horse - who knew you were the creative genius behind Lesters Lists (all of which are very funny)

Long may you reign matey

Thanks! Yes, in my other guise as freelance writer I did indeed write all 270-plus Lester's Lists some of which are being reprised as part of Alex Lester's 26th Anniversary celebrations (for free - bah!). You can catch them at about 4.30am on Radio 2 each morning for this week (I am obliged to say for copyright reasons). I have also put up a couple of the ones that won't make the reprise (they were written 10 - 11 years ago and attitudes have changed!) on my Facebook page (including the legendary Kylie's Arse list!). Surprised they chose the Clown List which is more about sploshing so quite self indulgent, but I am told (and can confirm) it was one of the first I did. Shows how sploshing makes its way into everything I do!

Oh, and Alex (who I still drink with) is mistaken about one thing. They were NOT written in a pub in South London. They were written in a pub in St Leonards! The same legendary Marina Fountain I (and sometimes Alex) drink in to this day. It should have a blue plaque!

Clown in the Community 1
How to Tell is Your Decorator is Really a Clown
Circuses are closing down all over the country but where do the acts go to find work? It's easy for the tightrope walkers and trapeze artists to get jobs on high scaffolding or walking between electricity pylons 200 feet up, and the more inept jugglers will probably wind up in a sorting office at Parcelforce. But what about the poor old clowns? Nobody wants them so they have no option but to set up their own businesses. Now I'm all for equal opportunity but do you really want a clown, say, doing up your house? Of course not, so here are ten ways to tell if your decorator is actually a clown...

1) When his van stops outside, it explodes, the doors fall off and foam squirts out of the radiator

2) His shoes are so big he can't reach the doorbell.

3) He has 36 buckets of paste but only one roll of paper

4) He pours all his whitewash into a big tin bath.

5) His boss has a pointed hat and a completely white face with one painted eyebrow.

6) His female assistant is dressed as a ballerina.

7) It takes him two hours to get the plank through the door.

He can't go up the ladder without walking on the wallpaper.

9) On his break, instead of drinking tea, he plays the clarinet and trains his budgie to pull a miniature chariot.

and the final way you can spot your decorator is really an ex-circus clown...

10) When you say he's fired, his hair flips up and water squirts unconvincingly from the side of his eyes.

Cool!

Doesn't look like you can link to an exact time on the iplayer radio like you can on the TV, but should be able to find it at around 2hr26 and 2hr41 at http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b02yj09z