The Splosh UK Forum

Hi, as you may know I don't get much chance these days to indulge in my messy activities, however today I had the chance to while out visiting in the rural districts.
I knew I would be going near a river with mudflats, and I also knew where I could park the car down a small lane and access the river bank with no problems, and no overlooking houses.
I put on a pair of white jodhpurs under my normal clothes, then when I got to the river I removed my normal clothes. I had taken some tracksuit bottoms to put on after I had got muddy, as there is nowhere to clean up.
I had planned to simply wear the tracksuit bottoms over the mudded jodhpurs until I got home, then shower and change.

I arrived at the car-parking place, there was no-one else around so I took off my normal everyday clothes, and set off down the river bank top to where the mud was nice and easy to reach. This involves a walk, my reckoning on getting muddy with the thick mud, not too sloppy and wet, meaning I had chance to dry off a bit before covering myself up with the tracksuit bottoms.

I reached the place where there was not too much distance between the built-up bank and the water line (in some places the distance between the built-up bank and the water line is 1/4 mile, as the river is wide and straight it means you can be seen for a long way off).

Here is a picture of me on the river bank, ready to get muddy.


Now for the next part, I want you all to guess what happened next, the nearest guess wins a virtual prize, answer will be shown in the next couple of days.

A boat-load of ultra-cute Japanese girls showed up, half of them in sailor-girl uniforms, the other half in tracksuits, drove the boat ashore, and leapt frolicking into the mud, playing till all bar two of them were totally covered, then the two clean ones came for you and dragged you in with them?

(Hell, a man can dream! )

A nearby boat gets into trouble, call the lifeboat who turn up, with the helicopter, and film crew. While helping the stricken boat they spot you in the mud, think you are in trouble and fly over to assist. You try and hide but they think you are unconcious and call in the fire brigade and coastguard, all filmed for national telly.
You think "Oh Crap, better play along", so you get resucued, and taken to a hospital 30 miles away, with no chance of getting home. So you have to call someone and ask them to come and get you.

Either that or you step in dog poo

asdamax wrote:A nearby boat gets into trouble, call the lifeboat who turn up, with the helicopter, and film crew. While helping the stricken boat they spot you in the mud, think you are in trouble and fly over to assist. You try and hide but they think you are unconcious and call in the fire brigade and coastguard, all filmed for national telly.
You think "Oh Crap, better play along", so you get resucued, and taken to a hospital 30 miles away, with no chance of getting home. So you have to call someone and ask them to come and get you.

Either that or you step in dog poo

I shouldn't have read that while I was drinking coffee............

Hi, I am back again.
I am a bit dissapointed with the small number of replies to this post, I thought more people would have given an amusing story.

First prize has to go to asdamax, this amused me no end

The real outcome was this.

After I had prepared the camera and took the clean pictures, I heard a vehicle arrive on the gravel of the car park. I looked over the top of the banking to see a police 4x4 parked on the river bank top, with a police person standing near the car using binoculars
I picked up my camera, and proceded to take random pictures of the river, before wandering casually further away down the riverbank, but keeping well away from the mud I walked at the bottom of the flood embankment, to keep out of sight. After I had wandered a few hundred yards, I thought I was well out the way, when a dog appeared from the top of the flood banking, followed by a man in hunting camoflage clothes. He came down the bank about 50 yards away.
As I passed him we commented on the nice day etc. I mentioned about the police, this was his reply.
" A short while ago, someone reported to the local police a small boat being rowed out from the river bank as the tide was coming in. It went towards the shipping lane, retrieved something out the water and came back. It turned out parcels of drugs were being thrown from big ships into the water, then little boats would row out and collect the parcels. The police patrol a nearby industrial site which is considered a terrorist target, so as they patrol the roads around the area they come down to check on river activity hoping to catch smuglers of drugs as well."


I said goodbye to the man, and wandered off, in search of somewhere more discreet. Thinking I had found it I decided to check around, only to find another dog-walker about 100 yards away, and getting closer.
I decided that was enough, and walked back in the direction I had come from, feeling not at all inclined to play in the mud any more.

As I got near the car-park (still on the river side) I saw a tin of spray paint laying in the long grass, obviously deposited by the high tides.
I decided to use the paint and a marker pen to mess my jods, as by this time there was no-one else around, and I figured I could simply cover myself up before getting into the car. Here is the rather poor results.


Keep watching, as this was not a good start to my first attempt at an outdoor wam session, however I shall try again when I get the chance. Also the white(ish) jods still have to have a good messy session.

You messed up a pair of Gorringe jods! Couldn't you have found something cheaper?

Liked your story - kind of been there myself, with the coastguard who were looking for "lost" mines from Foulness island.

The white jods have survived, and are still wearable (at the moment).
To be honest, I can't remember where I got them from, I think I was given them with some other stuff a while ago, they have always had the pink (pen, I think) marks on them, as can be seen in the first picture. I know for a fact that they were not new when I got them.
I wish I had the money to be able to afford to mess up some new clothes, I would love to do a full riding outfit one day in the mud.

Oh, and thanks for the reply to my pictures!